


Retrospection

by EmmaEsme



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Canon, Amnesia, Amnesiac Castiel, Angel Hadraniel, Angel Tabbris, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Archangel Gabriel (Supernatural), Archangel Nathaniel, Archangel Zadkiel, Bisexual Dean, Brotherhood, Brotherly Love, Canon-Typical Violence, Castiel/Dean Winchester UST, Chuck is God, Conflict of Interests, Conflicted Dean, Depressed Castiel, Depression, Dhampir, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Emotional Castiel, Emotional Dean, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Castiel, Emotionally Hurt Dean, Eventual Romance, Falling In Love, Feels, Gay Sex, Human Castiel, Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Castiel/Dean Winchester, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internal Conflict, Love, M/M, Nudity, Oral Sex, POV Alternating, POV Castiel, POV Dean Winchester, POV Sam Winchester, Post-Canon, Protective Dean Winchester, Sam Ships It, Sex, Shower Sex, Slash, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Slow Burn, Suggestive Themes, Swearing, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Vampires, Werewolf Garth, Werewolf Kate, Werewolves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-02
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-07-19 15:43:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 67,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7367638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmmaEsme/pseuds/EmmaEsme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Castiel and Dean have a falling out over the new rules of the Angel Garrisons, which Chuck arranged before leaving Earth, Castiel disappears with out a word. Dean falls apart without him; not knowing why he left, or if he is even alive. Him and Sam haven't given up looking (and praying), but just as Dean is about to go over the edge, hope appears. Castiel is closer than he thinks, but with no memory of who is or where he came from. As Castiel pieces together what little bits return to him, he finds himself on a journey revisiting trying moments of his existence. While he attempts to reconcile what he's done in the past, we find out how he returned and meet someone who would rather he hadn't.</p><p>*Only TFW are tagged as main characters, to maintain an element of surprise in the story, but other characters are in the additional tags.<br/>**Please read the additional tags if you are concerned about triggers, however Chapters containing content with possible triggers have notes.<br/>***This fic is written in the style of a short novel for mature young adults and is very much similar to canon.<br/>Thank you so much for reading! <3</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. THE BEGINNING OF THE END

**Author's Note:**

> *DO NOT READ THE CHAPTER TRIVIA IF YOU DO NOT WANT SOME POSSIBLE SPOILERS. You have been warned!*

 

                He awoke, staring at the sky. It was a cloudless night and where ever he was had no light pollution, for he could see a billion stars of the Milky Way. He wondered how he came to be here.  As full consciousness returned to him, he began to feel jolts of pain course through his body. He groaned as he sat up and surveyed his surroundings. He was in an open field, with small trees scattered on the horizon. The grass around him had been completely flattened, and he imagined that from above, it must look like a crop circle. He briefly toyed with the notion that he had been abducted and left here. Upon looking at himself, he did realise he was naked, after all. It was just too absurd and he dismissed it just as quickly. He attempted to stand, but fell back with a loud grunt. His arms and legs were very sore and he had what looked like road rash on many parts of his body. He grabbed his head. He felt dizzy from trying to get up and the realisation set in that he had a massive headache. The hum of crickets seemed to get louder. Somewhere in the distance a bird called. Not far off, plants rustled and twigs snapped. A mother deer and her two young moved out into the field. She stared at him for a good while and then ushered her young to move on. He sat, and rubbed his temples for a bit.

                His body started to calm down from whatever had happened. After a few minutes he attempted to stand again, slowly this time, first into a crouch, before straightening up. In every direction, he could see something scattered among the flattened grasses. He tried to step toward the nearest objects and stumbled, falling to his knees, barely catching himself on what strength he had in his arms. He elected to crawl over to the items instead. There were scraps of fabric littering the ground. _My clothes?_ Pieces of tan, white and navy fabric seemed to be strewn in every direction. At one point he found a small piece of blue. Unfortunately, none were large enough to be useful, none were large enough to cover him. Most seemed to have varying amounts of blood on them, causing him to once again glance at his wounds. He was not actively bleeding, and he wondered how long he had been laying in this field. He winced as he touched one of his cuts. The stinging sensation slowly died away. As if this action had brought back all sensibility, he remembered he was on all fours, naked, in the middle of a field. He stood rather suddenly, but found he was able to keep his own this time. There was nothing but nature in all directions. He started to think about where he was. He didn't know. In fact, he didn't seem to know much about his current predicament. He couldn't remember the last thing he did before waking up here. He couldn't remember yesterday. The harder he tried to remember anything, the worse it became. He did not know his own name. He began to wonder what he even looked like. Beginning to feel anxious, he brought his thoughts back to one thing he did know for certain; he was a man, body and soul, naked and bruised in a field somewhere.

                Light had started to peek over the horizon. He didn't know how far or for how long he'd been walking. His feet were sore without any shoes and his legs were aching. He was glad to have found a road so quickly, but it was small, dirt and seemed to lead nowhere.  He felt like he'd been walking for a millennia. _What did a millennia feel like?_ Suddenly the trees cleared and revealed a dilapidated barn. It was wooden with flakes of grey paint peeling away. The boards were rotting and many had been broken.  As he approached, he could see there were symbols spray painted on one side. He looked in between the broken boards. Shafts of light shone down through the holes in the ceiling.  On the floor was a large, fading red star in a circle, with characters written around the edges. He stared at it, as if it were supposed to mean something to him. He drew a blank and sighed. The rest of the barn appeared to be normal, but looked like a bomb had gone off. He didn't think too much about this though, considering the state of the exterior. As he walked along the side of the barn, he dragged his fingers along the wood. He realised the mistake, as a large splinter made its way into his finger. Snapping his hand back as though he had been electrocuted, he let out a yell. He found pain to be very frustrating. He yanked the splinter out with his teeth as he marched his way around to the door of the barn.

                The door creaked nosily as he opened it and damn near fell off its hinges. After walking all night naked, he was hoping to at least find some fabric or cloth to wrap around his waist. He found a pile of empty old grain bags. They were all torn and frayed, but large enough to cover what he needed to cover. _Modesty?_ He supposed this was his primary concern, because everything else was sums of pain. His damaged feet, sore legs, bruised arms; it all blurred together with the ache in his abdomen and the dry lump in the back of his throat. Every swallow was like shards of glass. He gave the barn a good look over, but left with just his burlap bag. Having nothing to hold it, he clenched the ends together in his left hand and continued walking. Not far from the barn, he came across a wooden fence. It was short and blissfully easy to climb over.  In the paddock, he came over the crest of a hill and he could make out horses in the distance. He was so excited, he almost ran. After a short walk, a modest house appeared. He knew what could happen if he approached, but what choice did he have? Someone appeared in the doorway as he got closer.

                "Hey! What are you doing out there?" The voice was gruff and a older man came into view. He had a large moustache, white like snow and he wore overalls.

                "Plea-" but he couldn't choke out the words loud enough. His tongue filled his mouth.

                The man approached as he fell to his knees from exhaustion. "My God son, what's happened to you?"

*** 

                Dean slammed his beer down on the table, the sound echoing through the bunker. "He's been missing for months Sam! When has he ever been gone this long, and not been in trouble?"

                Sam flipped the page in his book. Dean had been drinking a lot lately, too much. Sam had tried everything to distract him. At one point, he was finding a new case before they even finished the first one. It wasn't working anymore. Sam was growing tired of listening to Dean go through the motions every night. Progressing from steadfast determination, to frustration and finally ending with anxiety and fear. Sober Dean would never share these things, but when drunk enough, he would ramble on at Sam until he passed out. Sam's heart ached for him, but he hadn't found any new leads and didn't know what he could do. After the argument, Sam thought things would be as they always were, and they would make up again later. He'd seen the aftermath of full on fist fights, and watched them come back to terms. Almost never apologising, but always coming back to a mutual agreement. This time, when Cas disappeared, he never returned. He'd never been gone this long. 

                Even after learning that God was parading around Earth in the guise of Chuck Shurley while the world fell to pieces, Sam was still devout, but even knowing there was a God did not stop Dean from continuing to question faith. So Sam did not bother to tell Dean he prayed nightly, asking Cas to forgive Dean and return.

                "Don't ignore me Sammy!"

                Sam rolled his eyes up to look at Dean and sighed. "What do you want me to do Dean?"

                "There must be something in one of these books!" Dean pushed a pile over so that it spilled across the table and bumped into what Sam was reading.

                Sam sat back in his chair and spread his hands wide. "I've been reading for weeks Dean. Cas left by choice. We have no clues to-"

                "Maybe he left here by choice, but staying away this long..." Deans voice got softer as it drifted off and Sam knew they were into the final stages of his grief tonight. Soon, Dean would pass out and get what little sleep he can. Sam secretly looked forward to it. He made the most progress when Dean wasn't awake being drunk and distraught.

                During the night, Sam found a case nearby in Springfield, Missouri and finally convinced Dean they should go. Lately, Dean was like a machine on hunts. Focused and uncaring, blood splashed the ground as he sliced through the vampire's neck with his machete.  He bent down and wiped the blade on the dead vamp's clothes.

                "That's all of 'em Sammy." He marched back to the Impala without a second glance. Sam's shoulders slumped and he followed behind.

                Sam still couldn't get Dean to let him drive and Dean's driving had become more reckless, if that was possible. He crossed the centre line on the turns, the Impala's headlights flashing quickly against scattered trees along the sides of the road. However, the typical classic rock Dean blared in the car was silent tonight and Sam thought Dean looked deep in his own thoughts. It must have been around 2 am Sam guessed. He leaned his head against the window and stared at his reflection. The glass was cold on his forehead and the night was black. He estimated the drive back to the bunker to take another 2 hours. He considered a nap, he trusted Dean with his life after all. He couldn't help, but think about the night Cas left them, left Dean. Dean was a constant reminder, a neon sign of betrayal and suffering. How could Sam not be affected too?

                Sam came out of his room when he started to hear items breaking. Someone was throwing things in the common room of the bunker. Sam knew Dean and Cas had their limits, and found himself instead hoping none of the books were damaged. He could hear Dean, shouting.

                "You tell them to keep their feathered asses out of my business! I did my piece with them!"

                "Dean, if you would just calm down we-"

                Another loud smash. Cas still sounded calm and collected, like he did frequently, about well, everything. It took a lot to really upset him, but Sam knew Dean was pretty much the only one capable of that. Sam surmised it was Dean throwing things. _Opposites attract,_ Sam mused as he came down the last stretch of hallway. He peered around the entrance and ducked just as a book flew his way. _Damn it, these are one of a kind texts Dean!_ He picked the book up a few feet away. It had landed opened on the pages, but other than a slightly loose and wiggly spine, it seemed unscathed. He sat it on a chair and returned to the door. Dean had resumed yelling.

                "They can't order me around! I'm not one of their _'soldiers'_!"

                "I understand, but as you know, I am still part of the Garrison and I must obe-"

                "Since when Cas? Huh? You've been on Team Free Will for years! How could you let this..."

                Sam thought about all the times Cas had fought with the Angels before. All the times he still helped them on hunts regardless. All the times he proved indispensable to defeating evil.  Ever since Chuck left with his sister Amara, it was quiet on Earth. Sam wondered if they were designing new worlds together somewhere, if he is teaching her how to create.  After they left, the boys had resumed the 'monster of the week' mentality. Cas had promised them prior arrangements had been made in Heaven, and this time it was going to be run well and justly. Unfortunately, the other Angels did not see things the same way Cas did. They still did not understand Cas' relationship to humanity, to Dean. It had been causing tension since.

                Suddenly, Sam woke up. His neck was stiff and his face was pressed against the glass of the window. _I'm in the Impala? When did I fall asleep?_ He sat up and stretched as much as he could in the front seat. The Impala was parked on the side of the road, in a small stand of trees. _Dean must've gotten too tired to continue._ He turned as much as he could and gently craned his neck back to look behind him. Dean was asleep on the back seat. He climbed out of the car, the almost fifty year old door, creaking. Once free, he eagerly stretched his full six-foot-four inches and worked the kink out of his neck. He sauntered over to the closest tree and leaned against it. Unzipping his pants, he pulled himself out and relieved his bladder. He wandered back over toward the road and surveyed his surroundings. It looked like they were back over the border to Kansas and he wondered why Dean had stopped so close to home. Sam heard some twigs snap and turned to look. Dean was zipping his pants as he came over.

                "I saw it Sam." Dean still seemed groggy, but unable to hold his thoughts.

                "It?"

                "Him, it was him."

                "What was, who? Not..."

                "You'd fallen asleep. There was a bright flash way out on the horizon last night. It blinded me and I had to stop." Sam was surprised Dean hadn't started driving toward it instead and it must have shown on his face. "I couldn't pin point the exact location, but I'm sure once you do some research we'll find signs to narrow it down." Dean nonchalantly turned toward the car. "Come on Sammy! Let's get on the road, I'm starving!" Sam followed, perplexed. _That's it? One bright light and Dean's back to normal?_ Now maybe, they had a clue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> The intro scene for Cas on this fic was so vibrant in my mind at the time, I was afraid I was overdoing the details. It's still a fear of mine now. That said, I really wish I could do art to accompany it, but I also fear I wouldn't do it justice. It's now a photomanip I made to use when I post my updates to Twitter/Tumblr.
> 
> I was worried that portraying Dean as a belligerent and emotional drunk would be out of character, but I'm on Season 7 in my re-watch and his drinking is rather prominent in the story so I feel better about this choice. Given the circumstances it wouldn't be unusual for him to drink and given it's about Cas, and he can't reconcile, he'd probably be at his worst.
> 
> 15-5-17 - Now that Season 12 is almost over, I wanted to note that while this fic takes place in the timeline of Season 13, it is alternate canon and certainly could be alternate S12 canon. It does not include anything to do with the BMoL or the S12 story arc. It has more of a feel of picking up after S11, almost as though it could have occurred between S11 and S12.


	2. THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately, Castiel gets some clothes. Sam and Dean hit the road to investigate the bright light and find a new case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3

 

The ceiling was off-white and stuccoed.   _How long have I been awake?_ He was on an old brown couch, covered in a handmade quilt. The sound of metal scraping drifted in from the next room.  He sat up and took in the surroundings. There was an old television across from him. On the small coffee table sat a glass of crystal clear water. The walls were adorned with old country wallpaper and photos of a couple from the seventies.  The light green paint on the front door was cracked and the curtain on the window discoloured with age. The carpet was brown, or maybe orange, and was most indicative of the era which the house was built. He moved his toes around on it, it felt comforting on his sore feet. On a nearby chair sat a pile of neatly folded clothes. 

                "You got a name son?" As the old man with the overalls entered the room, he looked up at him from the couch.

                "Clarence." _Clarence? Is that right?_ Something about it seemed familiar.

                "Right, Clarence. My name's John." He sat a plate down on the coffee table. _John._ That was familiar too. _Am I John?_ It was a common enough name. "Do you know what happened to you?"

                "My- my car was stolen. Everything... they took everything I had." He looked at his lap, surprised at how easily he came up with a story.

                "Wonder what they needed with yer clothes..."  John scratched at his moustache. "Well, I was able to get to some water in ya 'fore ya passed out, but you should probably eat something." John gestured to the plate. On it was a serve of mashed potatoes, some green vegetable and a white meat. Now was not the time to be a fussy eater, he grabbed the plate. He picked up the fork and stuffed some of the green into his mouth. He was so hungry it didn't matter what it was, or how it tasted.

                "The clothes on the chair are for you. Hopefully they fit." John gestured to the pile.

                "Thank you." he said, through a mouthful of potatoes. He swallowed and reached for the glass of water, his throat still sore.

                "You slept away most of the day. You can stay here on the couch tonight if ya like. I'll drive you to town in the morning."

                "That's very kind of you." he replied, ripping into a piece of chicken.

                "Well, I got chores to attend before it gets dark. Make yourself at home.  Just you an' me; my wife passed away last fall." John turned and left the room before he could respond.

                He sat in silence and finished the entire plate of food. He wanted more, but somehow he knew, if he ate too much too quickly, his stomach would get upset. He put the plate back on the coffee table and looked at the clothes. There was a short sleeve green plaid shirt, jeans and a pair of socks. _No underwear?_ He pulled the jeans on and carefully zipped them up. They were sightly loose, but fit well enough.  He pulled the shirt on over his head and found it too was a bit large. At least he had _something_ to wear now. He left the socks for the time being. His feet were still quite sore from the walk last night and the carpet felt refreshing. He picked the plate and fork back up and went to the kitchen. Dish soap and a sponge sat on the edge of the sink, he looked at them a moment, his head tilted to the right a little as he stared. He blinked slowly, but then grabbed the sponge. There was a window above the sink, from this angle, he could see the horses in their paddock. As he stared into the distance, he tried again to remember anything, without luck. After scrubbing the dishes clean, he left them to dry on the counter. When he turned around, he saw there was a bathroom off the kitchen. He hadn't recalled going since he woke up in that field, and suddenly the urge was overwhelming.

                As he washed his hands afterward, he realised for the first time, he was in front of a mirror. He looked up, leaving the tap running. He immediately noticed the piercing blue eyes staring back at him, they were unavoidable. He reached his hand up and touched his cheek, it was slightly coarse. He had no more than a day's worth of regrowth. _When did I shave?_ He parted his cracked and evenly formed lips as he exhaled slowly and lowered his hand again. He felt as if he was just meeting himself. In a way, he was. His hair was short, dark brown and messy. He ran his fingers through it, which helped little. He felt out of place, in the green plaid shirt, but it was also comforting for some reason. He leaned against the pedestal sink for a few moments, staring until his vision started to blur. Gradually, the sound of the tap running brought him back to reality.  He'd hoped seeing himself might bring back a memory, but strangely, the shirt seemed to help him more than looking at himself. He gripped the sink and stared hard once more at the cobalt blue eyes before him. _Nothing._ He sighed.

                Upon returning to the living room, he saw a bookshelf he hadn't noticed before. Unsure, he glanced at the TV. It was so old, he wondered if it even worked. Instead, he moved to the bookshelf and fingered the spines. He recognized every title. _I must be an avid reader._ He reached up and ran his fingers through the hair at the back of his head, then rubbed the nape of his neck. Having somehow already read them all, he chose a thick hardcover book at random, returned to the couch and sat down to relax for a while. He was asleep again, with the book draped over his chest, when John came back to check on him before going to bed.

***

                Sam grabbed his laptop out of the back seat and followed Dean into the Biggerson's. It was still pretty early and they were seated immediately. He powered up his laptop to tap into the Wi-Fi, while Dean checked the menu. Sam wondered why he bothered, he knew what he would order.

                "Bacon cheese burger." Dean told the waitress with a wink.

                Sam handed the waitress the menus with a smile. "Coffee and a short stack, thanks."  When she walked away he shifted his gaze to Dean and heckled him anyway. "It's nine am, are they even cooking those?"

                "Hey, she didn't say no." Dean grinned.

                "It's good to see you smiling Dean."

                "Don't start with me Sammy." Dean grimaced and rolled his eyes.

                Sam didn't push it, and grabbed the little card from the table with the Wi-Fi details instead.  His only clue being 'bright white light in the northwest', wasn't especially helpful, so he started by looking for demon sign in the area; strange weather patterns, electrical storms, cattle mutilations, the works. He checked local news reports for anything unusual in multiple towns near the area as well.

                "There's nothing Dean. If anything, it's all a little too normal. Maybe it's too soon."

                Dean grabbed the laptop and whipped it around to face him. "Come on!" he groaned.

                Their food arrived, so Sam didn't bother to try to take the computer back. He dropped a packet of sugar in his coffee and stirred, as he lazily watched Dean devour his burger. Then he doused his pancakes in maple syrup and dug into his short stack, savouring every bite. He thought back to when Chuck made him breakfast. _Will I think of God every time I eat pancakes now?_

"What's so funny?" Dean said through a mouthful of burger.

                He didn't realise he'd let out a small laugh and was smiling. "Nothing, just... pancakes."

                "Right. We're gonna get on the road, just go up that way and canvas the area. While you were daydreaming about the waitress, I found a case near there." Dean turned the computer back to Sam.

                Sam ignored Dean's ridicule and looked at the screen. The headline read, 'MAN CLAIMS HIS CLONE TRIED TO KILL HIM'. "Sounds like maybe a shapeshifter?" Sam raised his eyebrows as he looked up at Dean.

                "Could be." Dean said as he slapped money down on the table and stood up. Sam snapped the laptop shut and followed Dean back to the Impala. He gently tossed the laptop onto the backseat through the open window. The doors creaked and groaned as they closed them in unison. The engine growled loudly as the car came to life. A couple heading into the Biggerson's glanced over and Sam saw a little smile on Dean's face again. Sam felt like a weight was off his shoulders as Dean put in a cassette and blasted Led Zeppelin's _Black Dog_. Sam gripped top edge of the open window as Dean whipped the car out of the parking spot, then floored it across the lot and onto the road.

                Ten minutes later, Dean had starting singing along with the music. Sam relaxed a little as _The Battle of Evermore_ played. He watched the scenery fly past as he leaned his arm on the edge of the door. The wind made a mess of his shoulder length sandy hair. He was glad to see Dean behaving like himself again, but he worried about the consequences if the light had nothing to do with Cas' disappearance. His mind wandered to the last conversation they had alone.

                 Dean had gone on a beer run, but not before nagging them to come along. Cas wanted to stay behind, engrossed in Netflix. So Sam stayed with him, continuing to watch together in Sam's room. He sat backward, straddling his old wooden chair, while Cas stretched out on the bed. Something about using that type of chair without a table still seemed to be complex for him. Sam saved him the trouble.

                "You know he won't put up with it Cas." Sam said, taking a sip of the last beer.

                "Sam." _Why does he always say my name so seriously?_ "I am obligated as an Angel of the Lord. Consider it like your natural instincts." Sam shifted in his chair. "When the Garrison calls, it is my duty to respond."

                Since Chuck left and Heaven basically hit reset again, Cas had become more concerned about his duties as an Angel. Perhaps it was because his full power had been restored, or maybe he felt obligation to God for his past mistakes. Sam considered the changes in Cas over the years. There were times where it was easy to forget he was actually an Angel. There were times he was nothing short of a monster they should hunt. Sam remembered his own times when he was nearly a monster and he thought about Castiel's perceived humanity. Cas had certainly learnt free thinking, but Sam wondered how Cas felt about the negative consequences that seemed to plague him anytime he tried to do what he thought was right. It must be complicated inside Cas' head. Perhaps every free thought he has is a battle against his instincts as an Angel. Sam decided Castiel was still learning how to deal with emotions.

                "Can't you speak to the Garrison, just tell them to leave Dean out of it?"

                "They believe that if I am to continue with a close relationship to humanity, with Dean... and you, that I should make it as beneficial to the cause as possible."

                "He's not a puppet Cas. Did they learn nothing after Michael?" Sam had been working as the mediator for a while now, not a position he asked for, but he supposed it was fitting. "You're the only Angel he trusts."

                Cas had begun confiding in Sam weeks ago, when things with Dean took a turn for the worse. Sure, Dean understood taking orders, he'd been closer to their father. It always seemed more like second nature for him, more so than for Sam. Still, Sam knew Dean always worked on his terms. The Angels had proven time and again that they had their own agenda, and would use any manipulation required to achieve it. Since Chuck and Amara had gone and there was no big bad to be defeated, they seemed to invest all their interest in meddling with humanity. It reminded Sam of the mythology of the Greek gods.

                "If I could just make him see-"

                "No one can make Dean do anything." Sam put his now empty bottle on the nearby dresser. As if on a cue, he heard the bunker door slam shut and shortly after, Dean yelling out a greeting.

                "Hey. " Dean jabbed him with his elbow. "Sam!" Sam looked up. "We're here."

                "Huh?" _Oh yeah, shapeshifter._

               "Boy, you really liked that waitress huh?" Dean gave a toothy grin and got out of the Impala.

                It was early afternoon. They were parked on a seemingly average suburban street. A few houses down and across the road, Sam recognised the address as the one for the man from the article. Dean had already pulled the suits from the trunk by the time Sam got out of the car and was quickly changing in the back seat. Then, Sam changed in the back while Dean adjusted his tie, after pocketing his 1911. Dean opened a small box in the trunk and grabbed out two badges, while Sam threw in his previous outfit and grabbed his Taurus, then Dean slammed it shut. They stuffed their fake FBI badges into their suit jacket pockets as they started across the street to question the man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> As I write, it plays out like a movie in my mind. The decision to make the man's farm house in the decor from the 70's was somewhat subconscious. I enjoy movies and shows from the era or that throw back to it. It was also to help show the farmer's age.
> 
> The choice to name that character John and to have Cas remember the name Clarence was 100% deliberate, so the reader will know somewhere inside, Cas remembers. As is the fact that he has retained all the information given to him by Metatron.
> 
> The scene in the mirror was also very vivid for me and I felt I had to be careful to write Cas and not Misha. I think there are still hints of Misha though.
> 
> I once read Jared really wanted a scene where he eats pancakes, but never got it. (Almost in Mystery Spot!) He finally got it with Chuck in Season 11. The fact that he eats pancakes here is a tribute to that.
> 
> I refused to use italics for flashbacks and instead they are used for stray thoughts. To help portray when a character is having a flashback, they first sleep or are knocked unconscious in some way.


	3. OVER THE HILLS AND FAR AWAY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel heads out on the road. Sam and Dean hit a major roadblock in completing their case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3

 

                He woke up early, finally feeling rested. The man who helped him, John, was already making breakfast. Currently, he was leaning against the tiles of the man's shower, forearms and head to the wall, hot water raining down his bare back. Showering was amazing, he'd already washed and wanted to stay here for eternity. The heat relaxed his sore muscles. He lifted his head up and let the water run through his hair. Water ran down his face and dripped off his chin. He felt like he'd been missing out on something amazing his whole life.

                John yelled to him from the kitchen and reluctantly, he shut off the water. He slicked his hair back with his hands to release some of the liquid from it, before opening the shower door. Steam filled his vision as it escaped into the room. He grabbed the towel nearby and dried off before wrapping it around his waist. The mirror was fogged from the humid air, so he wiped away the condensation with his hand to reveal the steely blue eyes looking back at him. In the mirror, he glanced down at the reflection of a tattoo of unusual characters on his abdomen. He couldn't read it and so, couldn't imagine why it was there. He heaved a sigh. He still hadn't remembered anything before yesterday. It was becoming increasingly frustrating and he didn't know what he would do, once he got to town. He unwrapped the towel from his waist and used it to dry his hair some more. It stood up in messy little spikes on his head and he smiled slightly at himself. After putting the towel on the rail to dry, he grabbed the jeans from the pile of clothes on the floor and carefully put them on again. He threw the green plaid shirt on quickly and pulled on the socks. Then he exited the bathroom to join John for breakfast.

                "Feeling better today?" John took another bite of his eggs.

                "Yes. That shower was very refreshing." He said as he sat across from John and examined his breakfast. Eggs, bacon, toast.

                "I'll take you into town when you're done eating. I have a few things to do there myself."

                "Thank you. For all of this." He started eating.

                The ride into town was bumpy. The old man had an ancient white Chevy truck that felt every pothole. Not soon enough, they were on the interstate 70, heading into Hays, Kansas. It felt nice to know where he was, finally something seemed almost tangible, felt concrete. He felt that Kansas might be important, but he couldn't recall why. He supposed, if this is where he woke up, he must have had business here, somewhere. It was warm in the truck. _It must be summertime_. He rolled down the hand crank window. His hair only got messier and fluffier as it dried in the breeze. He stared, tight lipped and watched the fields and farms pass by.

                "You got family you can call?" John glanced his way for an instant.

                "Uh..." He didn't want to get mixed up in having to formulate lies of an any family, so he just told the truth. "No."

                "All on yer own eh? Where ya from?"

                "Um, Lawrence." He thought he'd heard of it before.

                "Mmm." John seemed to mull that over for a minute. "What were yuh doing out here?"

                _Too much small talk._ "I was uh, on a hunting trip." He shifted in his seat. He became concerned that if the old man kept asking questions, he would find he wasn't as good at cover stories as he originally thought.

                "I see." John stared hard at the road ahead and went quiet. He was thankful the old man didn't continue to pry, all the way into town.

                When they arrived at Hays it was around mid-morning. The old man pulled into a home improvement store, parked and cut the engine. "I'm sorry you had to go through this. I know ya lost everything, so please, take this. Use it to get a bus back home huh?" John handed him some money. "A bus service comes through the Gas-N-Sip just the other side of the freeway." John said, pointing, then he opened his door to exit the truck.

                "Thank you very much for everything. I really appreciate it." He leaned on his door, pressed it open and fell out of the truck.

                "You take care of yerself now." John gave him a single hard pat on the back, then turned to go onto the store.

                He stuffed the money into his front pocket, turned the direction John pointed and started walking. The shoes John had given him were old and a bit worn out, but fit pretty well. As with everything, they were just a touch big and slid around on his heel a little. He stared at the ground has he walked, not really thinking about anything. _What does one think of, when one doesn't know who they are?_ He didn't know what else to do, or where else to go, so he figured he had nothing to lose by heading to Lawrence. He passed a bunch of small motels and then made his way down the sidewalk and under the freeway overpass. A car horn honked as he was stepping into the street, snapping him back to the present as he stepped back and looked up. Someone else at the crossing gave him a funny look. After a few uncomfortable seconds, the signal changed and the stranger started to cross. He followed behind, sluggishly. Once he was on the other side of the intersection, he passed a diner. _Biggerson's..._ He thought maybe he'd eaten there before. The Gas-N-Sip was next door.

                He went inside and approached the girl at the register. "I need a bus to Lawrence." He said, pulling the money out of his pocket and placing it on the counter.

                "Sorry hun, but the bus to Lawrence left at 6:50 this morning. There is a service to Junction City this later this afternoon at about four o'clock."

                "Okay, I'll take that." He said gruffly, and pushed the money toward her.

                She stared at him blankly a moment. "It's thirty-five dollars." She said, picking up the money. She took a fifty and handed him back the other one with his change. "Here you go." She said, handing him a ticket as well.

               "Thank you." He put the money and ticket into his pocket. As he left the Gas-N-Sip he passed a rack of newspapers. Glancing over, he saw the date was August 6th. He felt a little bit lighter suddenly. Every bit of certainty helped. He exited the Gas-N-Sip and considered standing outside to wait for the bus, but he remembered the clock behind the girl at the counter. _It's going to be hours._

***

                The boys made their way up the drive and Sam pressed the doorbell. Dean shifted his feet and Sam moved his hair out of his face, tucking it behind his ear. The lock clicked on the door and it opened a little.

                "Yes hello?" A man's voice came through the crack. The boys could almost see half his face.

                "Are you Steven Peters?" Dean asked.

                "Who's asking?"

                "Agents Nelson and Murdock, FBI." Sam and Dean flashed their fake badges at the man.

                "Oh..." The man actually seemed to relax a bit. The crack in the door widened.

                "We'd like to talk to you about the attack earlier this week." Sam said gently as he leaned down toward the man.

                "The police said they're looking into it... but I don't think they believe me." He opened the door a little more and he gestured for Sam and Dean to come inside. The entry revealed a hallway and a staircase. There were family pictures on the walls and children's toys littering the stairs and floor. To the right was a living area with plenty of seating. He motioned for Sam and Dean to follow him and have a seat.

                "Can I get you something to drink?"

                "No, no, we're fine. Thank you." Sam replied, waving his hand.

                "Did your wife or kids see the attacker?" Dean interjected as he and Sam had a seat on the couch.

                "Uh, no. They're visiting my wife's mother this week." Steven sat across from them.

                "Is there anybody who'd want to hurt you?" Sam asked.

                "No, no.  It was..." Steven trailed off, then changed his words. "The police are saying it was dark and I must be mistaken."

                "Say you're not-" Sam started.

                "Look." Dean interrupted, leaning forward. "We read the reports, we know what you saw, so let's get right to it. Tell us what really happened."

                "Well, it was late, I don't sleep well when everyone is away. I must've dozed off in front of the TV... and next thing I know I wake up and I'm looking in a mirror!" His eyes went wide. "He had a knife from the kitchen... he was going to stab me with it, but I kicked him, rolled off the chair and ran."

               "And he just, let you go?" Dean narrowed his eyes.

                "Yeah I guess so, I didn't look back." Sam and Dean shared a look.

                "Does anyone know your family is out of town?" Sam asked.

                "Just my mother-in-law. A couple people at work." Sam and Dean got the man's work details and thanked him for his time. They got back in the Impala and without much to go on and decided to head to his workplace to interview the man's co-workers.

                The stop at the man's work was short. Unfortunately, they didn't get any good leads, so they picked up food and Dean drove back to the motel. Sam set up his laptop and ate his salad at the tiny dining table while researching, determined to make a break in the case. He rolled his eyes at Dean who was making a mess on one of the beds, eating yet another burger, while he air drummed to the music playing through his phone.

                "Dean!" Sam watched as Dean continued passionately playing air instruments. "Hey Dean!" he said louder. Dean stopped head banging and popped out one of his ear buds.

                "Yeah?" He seemed unimpressed.

                "Nothing on the shapeshifter yet, but here's something else interesting." Sam turned the laptop toward Dean, prompting him to get off the bed. "There is a report of a crop circle outside of Hays, Kansas." He took another bite of his salad.

                "Aliens? Come on!" Dean threw his hands up and groaned as he turned back to the bed.

                "We both know there's no such thing, which means it must be a lead on something else." Sam raised his eyebrows and stared as he waited for Dean to catch on. Dean turned back to Sam.

                "The light was like a blast. It could have flattened the ground... like when I came back from Hell." Dean sat on the edge of the bed as Sam's expression softened. "We better figure out this shapeshifter case quick." Dean stuffed the last of his burger into his mouth. "If Cas is here, he could be on the move."

                "Alright, I'm on it." Sam said quietly as he turned the laptop back to face him. He returned to eating his salad and investigating the shapeshifter case.

                Hours passed as Sam continued researching, discarded salad container still next to him on the table. Sam looked over at Dean, sleeping on the bed, as he debated waking him or just heading out alone on the lead he found. He decided to wake Dean.

                "Hey, I got something!" He watched Dean for movement from the corner of his eye. Dean let out a grunt and sat up.

                "What'd ya find Sammy?" He stretched, then ran a hand through his hair.

                "So get this, I hacked into the cameras outside Mr. Peters' workplace and I found him, but it's not him. He's acting really suspicious." Sam made a face.

                "So it's the shifter." Dean got off the bed and went over to the laptop to have a look at the footage.

                "It looks like him, but it's not a shifter either Dean, look at the eyes..." Sam sat back so Dean could see better. The eyes of the man in video did not reflect the light like a shapeshifter's would.

                Dean reached up and rubbed the nape of his neck. "Well, maybe it's just Mr. Peters. I mean, what else do we know that can look like someone else?"

                "I knew you'd ask that, so I've been looking into it. This is what I  found, it would seem maybe he has a doppelgänger." He turned the laptop a little more for Dean and recited the information from the page. "In fiction and folklore a doppelgänger,  German for double-goer, is a look-alike or double of a living person. In some traditions it is a harbinger of bad luck and considered one's evil twin."

                "Okay, so how to do we kill it?"

                "Well, that's just it Dean, it would be just another person." Sam gave Dean a forlorn look.

                "Son of a bitch!" Dean fell back onto the bed, exasperated. "We're just supposed to let Mechagodzilla kill Godzilla then?"

                "Why don't we find the guy, try to talk to him. Maybe there's an explanation..."

                "He tried to kill him!"

                "Fine." Sam furrowed his brow. "What do you suggest we do then Dean?"

                "I don't know yet, but I've been trapped in here all afternoon. Let's get some drinks and maybe food, while I think of a plan." Dean grabbed the keys to the Impala and went out the motel door. Sam sighed, closed the laptop and followed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> I don't know if I can bring myself to write smut, we'll see... but the shower scene here is a bit vague on purpose, so the reader can fill in the details as they please. 
> 
> Cas was on a hunting trip... more hints.
> 
> The directions, descriptions and places (other than names of businesses) are all accurate. I made a point to look up Hays, Kansas' layout, bus routes and roads.
> 
> I took my own little twist on their fake FBI names. ^~
> 
> I wanted to introduce a new monster the show hadn't used and I've always been fascinated with Doppelgängers. I did worry it would be a bit heavy to have the first monster not technically be a monster at all though.
> 
> I was terrified to write so much dialogue. I still worry about how well it reads.


	4. WAITING ON A FRIEND

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel runs out of options. Sam and Dean find their mark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3

 

                It had been a long bus ride to Junction City. He couldn't decide whether or not it was fortunate that the person seated next to him wouldn't stop talking. At least he didn't have to think about nothing. He was glad to have the window seat and stared out beyond the horizon, as his trip buddy droned on and on. They didn't seem to care if he was even listening. He caught bits and pieces. Every once in a while he would mindlessly scratch at his patches of road rash. It was starting to heal up, and was becoming itchy. A spot of blood seeped through the sleeve of his left arm. He peeked at the passenger next him, but they didn't seem to notice and just continued to talk. He relaxed into his seat and tried to ignore the need to tend to his wounds. He let the droning voice of his neighbour lull him into a blank bliss, returning to staring at the passing Kansas fields.

                When the bus arrived at Junction City, his neighbour bid him farewell and thanked him for a nice trip. He nodded oddly in response. He didn't have a bag to pick up, so he just wandered down to the sidewalk. His stomach rumbled loudly, hungry again. He'd gone next door to the Biggerson's and eaten a small lunch while he waited for the bus to arrive, but that was hours ago. He noticed there was yet another Biggerson's across the street from him. _Those things are everywhere..._ but he didn't have the money to keep eating that way. He had just over fifty dollars left now and he needed to make it stretch. After deciding his immediate needs were most important, he bought some cheap snacks at the Gas-N-Sip before picking a nearby motel for the night.

                As he walked up to the motel office, he noticed a black car across the lot. Something about it caused him to stop for an instant. Just as he was about to continue on, two men came out of the room near it. The one facing him was tall, really tall, with shoulder length sandy brown hair.  The other was just slightly shorter, with short dirty blond hair, wearing a black t-shirt and jeans. The tall one was wearing a buttoned red plaid shirt and was gesturing as he appeared to talk to the other.  His eyes narrowed and he tilted his head as he watched the tall one lean on the roof of the car, while waiting for his door to be unlocked. He continued to stare as the boys got in and after a moment the car roared to life. Suddenly, his vision started to blur as the sound of the car turned into a high-pitch piercing whistle instead. The two red spots of the car's tail-lights seemed to explode as everything went white.

                When he came to, he was on his knees with his hands pressing against his temples. He had squeezed his eyes shut. When he opened them and looked up, the car was gone. _What the hell was that?_ He lowered his hands as he stood up. He felt like he'd blacked out for hours, but he knew it had been a matter of seconds. He almost forgot about the men. Almost. With nothing further to be done about it now, he picked up the bag of snacks he dropped and went into the office. _Maybe I really could use some more rest._ He booked a room just for the night, which took almost all the money he had left. He knew he wouldn't be able to get the bus to Lawrence anymore. He thought perhaps he'd try hitchhiking in the morning.

               As he went to his room, he made a note of where the boys came from. _119._ He was in 124, not far down, but in a separate area where the building took on an L shape. Once in his room, he threw the bag of snacks onto one of the beds and slid the borrowed shoes off. He unbuttoned the plaid shirt as he made his way to the tiny motel bathroom. Removing the shirt, he attempted to rinse the blood out of the sleeve in the sink, but it had been too long and it was dried onto the fabric. He looked at his arm instead. He'd pulled off a decent piece of scabbing skin from the largest wound on his left arm. He started to rinse it in the sink, but instead decided to shower again, pulling off the socks and delicately removing the jeans.

                After drying as best he could, he came out and sat on the bed, towel around his waist. He was regretting not having underwear, the jeans were pretty uncomfortable without. The towel seemed like a decent compromise. He decided to wait for the sound of that car returning and see if those boys could help him get to Lawrence. There was a small, shitty TV in the room, and he turned it on to pass the time. It had terrible reception and only those crap free stations no one watches. He sat on the bed and pulled out a small bag of chips from his snacks.  Through the interference, he thought he might be watching local news. They appeared to be covering a story on a crop circle that had shown up in the last few days. _Really, this makes the news here?_ He didn't make the connection and instead, changed the station. Under the circumstances, he figured some prime-time sitcom was better than nothing. Before he knew it, he'd finished all the junk food he picked up at the Gas-N-Sip and was dozing off. 

***

                Sam made sure the motel door was locked, and then followed Dean to the car.

                "It just doesn't feel right Dean." Sam continued as he leaned on the roof of the Impala.

                "We've met people before that were monsters Sam. We do what we have to do." Dean unlocked his door and chided Sam, "Get off Baby's roof!", before ducking into the car to reach over and unlock Sam's door for him. Ignoring Dean, Sam noticed someone across the parking lot, standing in the open, watching them. It was too far to make out who it was. Just as he was about to say something, he heard the lock pop on the door. He got into the car instead, just as Dean started the engine.

                "There was someone over there watching us Dean." Dean glanced in the rear-view mirror as he backed out. He made a noise at Sam that sounded like, "Ehhh" and ignored the figure watching them. Shifting the car into drive, he floored it out onto the road.

                Dean found a bar not far from the motel and pulled into the parking lot. Sam gave a small sigh of defeat, which luckily for him, Dean couldn't hear under the engine noise and music. Dean parked and they went inside. It was still early, so the place wasn't very busy. Dean went right up to the bar and Sam followed, dragging his feet. He watched silently as Dean ordered a couple beers, some chicken wings and flirted shamelessly with the female bartender. It was a pretty typical bar, but Sam had a glance around anyway. Unoccupied dart boards and nearby, a few pool tables, only one of which was in use. There were a few scattered people at tables throughout. Only one other person sat at the bar, at the end furthest from Sam and Dean. The lighting was poor, but Sam thought he looked familiar. As Dean tucked into his chicken wings, Sam lied and said he needed to use the restroom as an excuse to move closer.

                He took a roundabout path to the man, so he didn't see him approaching. As he neared, he could tell it looked like maybe Mr. Peters had come out to drown his sorrows. Thinking this was the case, Sam approached the man more directly.

                "Mr. Peters? It's Agent Murdock-" Sam began, reaching for the bar-top. The man turned around quickly.  Sam saw it was Mr. Peters, but when he saw Sam, his reaction was not as expected. The man practically jumped back toward the bar counter and away from Sam, spilling what was left of his drink. As Sam went to lean forward onto the bar with his hand, the man ducked under Sam's arm and made a break for it.

                "Dean!" Sam yelled. Dean looked up, chewing, with wing sauce on his face. "Dean, it's him!" Sam turned and pointed at the man who had paused in a doorway to look back. Sam started taking giant strides toward the man, as he exited through a back door and into the alley behind the bar. Dean regretfully abandoned his last wing, downed the last of his beer and ran after Sam and the man. Sam was thankful the doppelgänger was only human, as he was gaining on him steadily. Suddenly, Dean came up beside him, running at full speed. He passed Sam and within a few moments caught up to the doppelgänger, tackling him to the ground. Sam watched the scuffle as he approached and the doppelgänger seemed to be getting the upper hand.

                "Dean look out!" Sam hollered as the doppelgänger grabbed a stray brick, looking like he was going to pound Dean with it. Dean managed to push the doppelgänger off of him, but he regained his footing too easily and instead took a swing with the brick at Sam, hitting him square in the temple. Sam's vision went double, then blurred. Blood started matting wetly in his hair and ran down his cheek. He could hear Dean scream his name... then everything went black.

                It was quiet in the bunker and Sam was reading in his room. Fiction for once. It was always nice to read for enjoyment, instead of research purposes, once in a while. He heard the light flutter of feathers and when he looked up from his novel, Cas was standing in the room.

                "Sam." His voice was like gravel.

                "Cas?" Sam questioned, widening his eyes.

                "I've just been talking to Dean." Cas moved closer and side-eyed the wooden chair near the bed. "The Garrison wants our help. There are particular matters they feel are of more import than the cases we are following and-"

                "You know how Dean feels about the Angels." Cas continued to stand awkwardly next to the chair as Sam interrupted. "I wish I could help, but I'm not taking a side." Sam dog-eared the page he was on and closed his book. "Sit down Cas."

                Castiel looked down at the chair again, then sat in it, very stiff and straight. He put his hands on his knees, looking like an ancient Egyptian statue. "With my power restored, and my father away, I feel I must assist in any way I can. The other Angels feel you and Dean are an untapped resource."

                Sam ignored his feelings about Cas' choice of words. He knew Cas had good intentions, even if he didn't always word them the best way. "See, that's the problem Cas. Dean doesn't want to be a, resource." Sam said, accentuating the word resource. "That's, um, not the relationship he's after." Sam didn't want to say too much of what Dean hadn't said himself. "You know I want to help Heaven..." Sam started, holding up his hand to stop Cas from replying, "When the cause is just, but if that means joining you pisses off Dean... no thanks." Sam gave a little laugh.

                "I don't see how this situation is funny Sam." Cas said flatly. Sam frowned. It was as if the more Cas tapped into Heaven's powers, the more brainwashed he became. His sense of duty had become as strong as it was when they met him. He had reverted to a soldier of God, Castiel, Angel of the Lord and Sam sensed it was annoying Dean. Sam knew Dean preferred Cas on Team Free Will, helping them and making choices for himself, not taking orders from anyone... except maybe Dean. He wondered how long it would be, before Dean lost his patience. Little did Sam know, this was just beginning.

               "Sam." Cas' voice seemed distorted. "Sam? Come on, Sam!" Sam opened his eyes to see Dean looking down at him. "Hey, there you are Sammy." Dean helped him sit up. The world started to spin a little and Sam pressed his eyes shut quickly. His head hurt, he reached up and touched the site of the pain. His hand came back bloody. "It's okay, it's stopped now. Don't touch it." Dean pushed Sam's hand away. Sam had a good look at Dean, there were cuts on his face, his knuckles were bloodied, and there was something dark and wet on his shirt.

                "Dean, wha-" Sam started.

                "I got him, he's in the trunk." After seeing the look on Sam's face, Dean added, "Alive." Dean helped Sam to get up off the ground, and walked him back to the Impala. Once Sam was seated comfortably, Dean went around to his side and got in the car. The engine rumbled loudly.

                Dean backed the car up into the space in front of their door at the motel. Sam tried to get out of the car on his own, but Dean came around again and helped him into the room.

                "Dean, I'm not completely incapable..." Sam complained. He watched through the open doorway as Dean forced the doppelgänger out of the trunk and into the room by the binding around his arms. Dean disappeared for a moment and Sam heard the trunk slam shut. When Dean returned, he kicked the door closed behind him. He pushed the doppelgänger across the room and sat him on one of the chairs at the tiny table.

                "Alright, now we can _talk_ to him." Dean said, tight lipped and glaring. "Who are you?" The doppelgänger sat unresponsive. "Did you try to kill Steven Peters?"

                "I don't have to explain myself to you!" the doppelgänger yelled. He started squirming against the restraints and fell off the chair. Dean leaned down to grab him and make him get back on his feet, but the doppelgänger kicked Deans hip and his .45 clattered to the ground. Dean looked down at it, but before he could bend to reach it, the doppelgänger spun and grabbed it.

                "Dean!" Sam yelled and he tossed the Taurus when Dean turned. Dean caught it one handed and swiftly turned back to face the doppelgänger. The doppelgänger raised the .45 as Dean centered the Taurus on him. A single gunshot reverberated around the room. Dean slumped to his knees and Sam fell to the floor to catch him.

                "Sam I-" Dean dropped the gun, the sound deafening. Blood was splattered all over the wall and chair. A pool had started forming under the dead doppelgänger's head. "Sam, I had to..."

                "I know Dean." Sam held him, or surely Dean would collapse completely. Seconds turned to minutes that felt like hours. The calming silence was broken by a knock at their door. As if the sound reset his entire existence, Dean collected himself. Seeing this, Sam rose from the floor and opened the door, Taurus at the ready, back in his waistband. His tall frame consumed all the space in the doorway, blocking Dean's view.

                "Who is it Sam?" Dean growled, picking up his .45 and turning from the deceased doppelgänger.

                Sam stared at the pleading blue eyes in front of him for a moment. He couldn't register what was happening. Sam's voice was barely audible, "Cas?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> The purpose of the bus scene was to help Cas seem very typical and human.
> 
> Biggerson's... more hints.
> 
> The white out at the car is meant to keep you guessing, are these blackouts helping or hindering Cas?
> 
> I like scenes with Sam and Cas, because I feel he is a less bias source for insight on Cas' inner workings than Dean would be.
> 
> I remember reading once that the stunt crew couldn't keep up with Jensen when he runs. The fact that Dean was able to surpass Sam and catch the Dopplegänger was a tribute to that.


	5. SIMPLE MAN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Dean realise something isn't right with Castiel. The trio make their way home to the bunker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3
> 
> *THIS CHAPTER INCLUDES A CANON FLASHBACK*

 

             "Cas?" Sam repeated, incredulous.  Confusion coloured his face, and classically, his head tilted ever so slightly to the right as he stared up at the tall figure before him. His eyes narrowed as he studied the features of this man. He felt like he was grasping at something right in front of him, so obvious, but unattainable. Sam relaxed, letting go of the edge of the door and removing his hand from his gun. The door gently swung farther into the room. He was able to take in more of the scene behind the tall man...  _is that, blood?_  Alarm replaced confusion and he started to back away from the door. Concerned, Sam reached for him, "Cas? What's wrong, are you okay?"

                "Sam." Dean's voice came from behind him. It was difficult to tell if it was a question or a command.

                "I- I've made a mistake coming here, I-I really think I should go." He stammered as he backed up further and started to turn and retreat.

                "Wait-" Sam reached again and like a gentle giant, plucked him from the ground by his shirt. "Cas, wait." He squirmed and wiggled, trying to get free of the massive grasp. "Cas, stop." Sam urged as he grabbed his arm with his other hand to steady him. Sam pivoted on the spot and placed him into the room, then let go with one hand to grab the door and shut it gently. Finally Dean could see who had knocked, he lowered his gun, mouth open and he just stared in disbelief.

               His eyes were wide with terror. He grabbed his arms and pulled them tightly to his chest, maybe trying to disappear. Now, he could see the body on the floor of the room, a substantial amount of blood was pooling under it and starting to run a line along a slant in the floor. As he took in the toppled chair and blood spatter on the wall, he tried to back up again, but bumped into the dresser holding the TV.

                "Sam? What's wrong with him?" Dean asked, holstering his gun in his pants as he took a step forward.

                "I don't know." Sam ran his hands through his hair. "Cas? What happened? Where have you been?"

                 _Cas._  He thought long and hard about this, for the first time, someone seemed to know him.  "...and what the hell is he wearing?" he heard the shorter one say as he pondered. "Dean-" the taller one started to say, but he suddenly looked up at them in surprise and they stopped to look at him.

                "Dean?" he asked, his voice rough and intense.

                "Yeah? You wanna tell me what the hell is going on Cas?" Dean shifted his weight and folded his arms.

                "Dean..." he whispered to himself. Suddenly, blinding pain coursed through his head. His eyes snapped shut like a reflex. He flung his hands up to press his temples, just as the white light burst through behind his eyelids. He heard Dean holler that name as the world disappeared. Cas.

***

           

               "Who are you?" Dean growled, looking up angrily after ensuring Bobby was alive.

                "Castiel." He replied, unconcerned. He didn't bother to look at Dean and instead flipped through manuscripts on the table.

                "Yeah, I figured that much, I mean what are you?" Dean continued to glare at him from the floor.

                At this, he looked up and acknowledged Dean, staring a moment, slightly surprised Dean did not know what he was already. "I'm an Angel of the Lord." He stated simply.

                Dean's resolve wavered a little as he considered Castiel's words. They stared silently at each other, then he slowly rose from the floor. "Get the hell out of here. There's no such thing." Dean clenched his fists and readied himself for a fight.

                "This is your problem, Dean. You have no faith." Castiel shifted and moved to stand directly in front of him. He looked like a cat ready to pounce, returning Dean's challenge. Thunder crashed and flashes of lightning filled the room, startling Dean. His eyes went wide, as behind Castiel, the shadow of gigantic wings spread across the walls of the warehouse. Castiel stood tall, graceful, but earnest.  When the flashes ended, the image of Castiel's massive wings dissipated. Dean eyed him off, taking in the truth, as Castiel shifted his weight, awaiting a response.

                Dean wouldn't be moved. "Some Angel you are. You burned out that poor woman's eyes." He taunted, unimpressed.

                Castiel slumped and hung his head, clearly disappointed. "I warned her not to spy on my true form." He moved closer to Dean, giving a little shrug as he looked up. " It can be... overwhelming to humans, and so can my real voice." Finally, he gave Dean eye contact again. "But you already knew that."

                Dean nodded slowly, still unwavering. "You mean the gas station and the motel. " He narrowed his eyes. "That was you talking?" Castiel nodded in reply and Dean furrowed his brow. "Buddy, next time, lower the volume."

                "That was my mistake. Certain people, special people, can perceive my true visage. I thought you would be one of them. I was wrong." Castiel was a picture of sincerity.

                "And what visage are you in now, huh?" Dean gestured at the suit, tie and overcoat. "What, holy tax accountant?" he sneered.

                "This?" Castiel gestured to his body. "This is... a vessel." He looked a little proud.

                Dean's whole body trembled as he resisted the urge to attack, outraged. "You're possessing some poor bastard?"

                "He's a devout man, he actually prayed for this." Castiel smiled, unfazed, expecting Dean to approve.

                Dean shook his head as he spoke. "Well, I'm not buying what you're selling, so who are you really?"

                Castiel tilted his head gently to the right again, staring at Dean a moment, genuinely confused. " I told you."

                "Right. And why would an Angel rescue me from Hell?" Dean asked, his voice thick with sarcasm.

                Castiel moved even closer, their faces inches apart. "Good things do happen, Dean." He said, deadly serious.

                "Not in my experience." Dean replied, tight lipped, seconds from making a move.

                "What's the matter?" Castiel asked, tilting his head again as if inspecting Dean's thoughts. "You don't think you deserve to be saved?" It was a statement, more than a question.

                Dean seemed angry about the whole thing. "Why'd you do it?" He spit the words out as provocation.

                Castiel pursed his lips and considered. "Because God commanded it."  He stared Dean down without wavering. "Because we have work for you."

***

                He could hear them arguing when he woke up. It took a moment to remember where he was and what had just transpired. He immediately looked to the floor where the body was laying, but it was gone. Blood stained the floor in smears, hastily wiped away. He didn't want to think about it.  _How long was I out?_  The boys sat at the table... discussing him. He could tell they hadn't realised he'd returned to consciousness. He tried not to stir and focused on trying to remember the dream he had while he was out. Bits and parts came back to him, short clips, playing like a silent film, but not enough to make a lot of sense out of it. He remembered, Dean had been there. That was something he could hold on to going forward in this mess.   _Maybe I do know these people._  He coughed as he sat up, to stop Dean from repeating himself again. They looked over at him. Sam sat back in his chair and Dean turned around to face him.

                "Cas." Dean looked very relieved and this surprised him. "You've been out a couple of hours. How do you feel?"

                "Like the bus I took here ran me over." he said flatly. Dean looked at him funny, but he saw him smile a little. Then Dean looked at Sam and Sam shrugged.

                "What happened there? Angel Radio?" Dean inquired.

                He looked at Dean blankly.  _Angel Radio? What?_  "I- honestly, I'm not sure. That wasn't the first time." He rubbed his temples a bit.

                "Right..." Dean frowned. "Well, we need to get out of here. As soon as you're up for it, we should head back to Lebanon."

                Meeting them was the biggest lead he had to his identity since waking up in that field. Given the circumstances surrounding it, he felt like he should get away, but the drive to know who he is and how this came to be was stronger. He tossed the name around in his mind again.  _Cas..._  He decided to go with it. "Okay, let's go." Cas replied. He was recovering quickly, just like before. Dean glanced at Sam again and Sam folded his arms.

                "Where have you been Cas?" Sam asked. 

                The words were gentle, but Sam's manner made him feel like he was being interrogated. "Can we talk about that when we get back to Lebanon?" It was a cop-out, but it worked.

                "Alright." Dean's chair screeched loudly as it scraped the floor when he stood up. "Let's hit the road." Sam just watched as once again, Dean stuffed his problems down inside himself.  They grabbed what little they had in the room and threw it into the trunk of the Impala. Together the boys got in the front of the car, Sam shotgun. Cas opened the passenger side back door and slid onto the seat, as the sound of the engine starting reverberated into the night.

                The ride to back to the bunker was awkward, to say the least. Dean was blasting music the entire time, so no one could talk. Cas could barley think it was so loud. Sam sat in silent, but obvious annoyance.  A storm had rolled in as they made their way home, and rain pattered against the car. She glistened in the moonlight as Dean manoeuvred at top speed, neglecting the wet roadway. Cas had thought he was going to die more than once, taking corners at ridiculous speeds, but Dean didn't falter.  As a result, they returned to the bunker in record time. Dean coasted down the tunnel into the garage underneath. He pulled into the vacant spot and cut the engine, as he checked on Cas through the rear-view mirror. Cas was leaning on the door, asleep on his arm. Sam and Dean exited the car quietly. As Sam went to the trunk, Dean opened the back door on his side of the car and leaned in, reaching over to nudge Cas awake. Closing the trunk quietly, Sam smiled as he turned and headed into the bunker.

                "Cas." Dean whispered. Cas stirred and opened his eyes. He didn't remember when he'd fallen asleep. Upon seeing the classic cars and motorcycles surrounding them in the garage, he sat up abruptly.  He took in every corner of the space without saying a word and Dean stifled a small laugh. Cas started mouthing something and Dean's eyes flicked to his lips for an instant. Licking his own lips, Dean backed out of the car. "Alright, come on. Let's go inside."

                Cas couldn't believe the sheer immense size of the place he had entered. He looked around cautiously. Sam was setting down a supply bag in the common room when Cas and Dean entered. "You look beat Cas."

                Cas turned his attention to Sam. "Well, it is three am." He stated plainly. "Is there somewhere I can sleep?" Sam and Dean exchanged looks.

                "Yeah Cas, in your room." Dean encouraged. Cas only returned a blank stare.  _My room?_  Sighing, Dean continued, "Come on, I'll show you." Dean moved ahead and waved his hand, beckoning Cas. They made their way down a long hallway passing many other rooms, including eleven, Dean's room. Out of curiosity, Cas peeked into any that had the door open, but it wasn't many. Dean stopped at door seventeen, and opened it. Inside the room looked very similar to room eleven when he'd peeked in before. One bed, covered with an apricot blanket and a single white pillow, wooden side tables with lamps, a tall wooden dresser and an old metal heater. On the wall next to the door there was a sink and mirror. Decor was very sparse, but a few books and papers were scattered on a small desk next to an old black rotary phone. He noted however, that the room had a brand new television. Cas sat down on the bed.

                "Tell me where you've been Cas." Dean's eyes glistened as he held back tears. He was practically begging. Cas' lips parted slightly, but no sound came out. Defeated, he looked down at his feet. "Cas-"    

                Sam appeared in the doorway behind them. "Why don't you get some sleep? We can all talk in the morning." Cas nodded to Sam. Dean stared at Cas, it was a wordless meaningful look, he desperately wanted to stay. Instead, Dean reluctantly followed Sam out of the room and down the hallway.

                "What the hell is going on with him? It's like he doesn't know anything about us." Dean's tone was like a demand for answers.

                "I'm not sure he does Dean." Sam seemed too comfortable with the situation for Dean's liking.

                "What does that mean?" Dean grumbled.

                They approached Sam's room. "It's been a rough night Dean, let him sleep." Sam opened the door to his room and entered. "I have a feeling he'll still be here in the morning." He turned back around to Dean, flashing a gentle smile, "Good night." Then he closed the door, the metal Aquarian Star and number twenty-one staring Dean in the face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> This canon flashback was incredibly fun and interesting to write! I realise it is entirely bias to my perspective of what transpired between them on screen though.
> 
> Cas' cop-out was really mine, it was my way of admitting I wasn't sure how to make that dialogue work at the time.
> 
> While looking up something else later, I realised the bunker is not in Lawrence, it's in Lebanon and I had to make some corrections to this chapter.
> 
> Dean looking at Cas' lips, then licking his own, is a nod to you fandom. <3
> 
> Figuring out Cas' room in the bunker actually lead to me making new pages on the SuperWiki for Sam and Dean's bedrooms during my research of the bunker!


	6. LONG LONG WAY FROM HOME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam convinces Dean he knows what's happened to Cas. Dean takes Cas shopping... Sam does what he does best and finds a case!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3

 

                When he woke up, he was feeling very rested; he'd slept comfortably, soundly. He felt reassured, as if he did know this room, this place. It was a pleasant thought. He sat up and flung the blankets off. Having worn the same clothes for a few days and with no underwear at the time, he'd slept in the nude. He looked down at himself. _That's inconvenient_. He gently poked at a few of his wounds, which were healing up well. His feet were no longer sore. Just as he stood and was cracking his back, the door swung open. Cas stopped mid-stretch and looked slightly over his shoulder to the opening. Dean stood there nonplussed, stock still with his mouth agape, hand still on the door knob. As if he knew no shame, Cas just waited mid stretch, for Dean to speak.

                "Uh, Cas, I - Um..." Dean stammered a bunch of nonsense, then, pursing his lips, he squeezed his eyes shut and backed out of the room, closing the door behind him.

                Cas finally put his arms down. He considered the events a moment, and felt a little complacent. A tiny smile spread on his face as he moved to the dresser to inspect the clothing options. Upon opening the top drawer, he was greeted with an innumerable amount of socks and various underwear. He threw a pair of socks onto the bed, and took out a pair of white boxers, putting them on. The second drawer was full of neatly folded white dress shirts. He closed this one to check the next drawer, which had multiple pairs of folded navy slacks. Without a lot of options, he put on one of the dress shirts. He left the top two buttons undone and rolled the sleeves to his elbows. Then he slid on a pair of slacks, which were surprisingly soft and comfortable. Sitting back down on the bed, he pulled on the black socks.

               Heading over to the mirror and sink, he noticed a suit jacket and tie hanging on the back of the door. Ignoring them, he continued and stared once again into the pools of blue looking at him from the mirror. _Cas. Dean._ His hair was messy from sleeping, so wetting his hands, he ran them though it a couple times. _Good enough._ He opened the medicine cabinet to find it empty. He also noticed he had no toothbrush. Heaving a sigh, he left the room and navigated his way back to the main area of the bunker. After stopping to use the bathroom, he peeked into room eleven, but there was no sign of Dean. He paused and considered going in, but then decided to take in as much of the room from the hall as he could instead. The bed was still a bit messy and there were various records laying around, with a nice pair of headphones sitting on top of them. There was a lavender and blue plaid shirt draped over the back of the solitary chair. It was tidier than Cas expected. Smiling to himself, he continued down the hall.

                As Cas approached, he could see Sam sitting in the common room, laptop open in front of him. He was speaking quietly to Dean, but Cas could still hear him.

                "Think about it, Cas was asleep. When have you ever seen Cas sleeping?" Sam gestured with an air of finality. "He's human Dean."

                "Say you're right, okay, so..." Dean slapped his hands down and leaned forward on the table. "How? Why?"

                Sam glanced up from the laptop again. "I'm looking Dean, but I'm not finding much yet." He looked down again, clicking on something. "Though it looks like there might be a case in-"

                Cas cleared his throat as he stepped into the room. "Hello Dean." Dean looked up at him cautiously, a flash of the event in Cas' room before, passing through his mind. His mouth fell open a little, as he took in Cas' attire. Cas gave a little nod in Sam's direction. "Sam." Sam smiled lightly at him, even though Cas' voice sounded flat and serious. He was used to it, Cas just always sounded that way. Some things don't change.

                "Morning Cas. I had Dean make you breakfast too, come sit down." Sam gestured to a plate next to him.  Cas sat next to Sam and eagerly started in on the food.

                Dean seemed unable to hold it in any longer. "Tell me where you've been Cas." Cas looked up at Dean, fork still sticking out of his mouth. He couldn't move as he stared into Dean's glossy green eyes. The tension was malleable. Sam shot Dean a stern look and Dean blinked, shattering the spell.

                Sam turned back to Cas. "Start at the beginning. What's the last thing you remember?" He said, closing the laptop and giving Cas his full attention. Cas recounted the last few days as he ate, from waking up in the field, to finding them at the motel.

                "This is all you remember?" Sam asked, fascinated.

                "But you seem to know what's what... I mean, you still know general stuff, like... cell phones." Dean seemed puzzled.

                "I don't have a toothbrush." Cas replied plainly as he pushed his now empty plate aside.

                "He's worried about a toothbrush." Dean said, throwing a hand out in Cas' direction, but looking to Sam, exasperated. Sam just shrugged.

                "Dean, dental hygiene is-" Cas started.

                "No." Dean put his hand up and closed his eyes as he shook his head.  "Just no." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'll take you out to pick up some essentials."

                "Okay..." Cas tried not to look dejected as he picked up his dishes and exited the room for the kitchen.

                "This is like the bees all over again!" Dean exclaimed, throwing his arms up once Cas was out of sight.

                Sam stifled a laugh as he reopened the laptop. "Just be patient with him Dean." He said, looking up through his hair. "He doesn't know what we know anymore."

                "So, what? Do we tell him?" Dean folded his arms as he leaned his hip on the table. "Hey man, by the way, you're an Angel and there are Demons and monsters?"

                "I think we should ease him into it." Sam shook his head to get his hair out of his eyes, as he read the webpage in front of him. "As I was saying, there looks to be a case in Wisconsin. I think we should check it out. I'll get all the details while you're out and we'll go when you guys get back."

                "Right..." Dean started to walk off toward the kitchen.

                "Dean?" Sam said, turning to him. Dean stopped and looked back. "Don't overburden him." Dean just waved Sam off and continued on his way.

***

                The ride to the shop was short and awkward. Dean loved the Impala, but he still drove like a bat out of Hell. Surprisingly, it was Cas who broke the silence.

                "Dean?" Cas looked at him, but barely moved his head.

                "Yeah?" Dean's eyes didn't leave the road. Cas stretching that morning flashed in his mind.

                "What was happening in that motel room last night?"

                Dean faltered. "Uh, well, we were... he was a bad guy." Dean's voice became defensive. "He tried to kill someone. He was going to kill me. I had to-"

                "Self defence?" Cas interjected, now facing Dean.

                "Yeah." Dean relaxed a little, but watched the road intently.

                "Why were you after him? Are you police?" Cas' brow furrowed as he narrowed his eyes.

                "Um, no... we're hunters." Dean frowned at the road.

                "Bounty hunters?" Cas raised his eyebrows.

                "Sure, but without the bounty part."

                Cas titled his head and considered. Before he could respond, the car abruptly came to a halt in the car park. Dean quickly got out. Cas quietly followed him into the store. He picked out a toothbrush, paste and mouthwash. Then they grabbed him deodorant, a razor and shaving cream. Dean began to wonder why Cas' vessel didn't need these things when he was an Angel. He could only assume the grace within the body just regulated human needs. Angel Cas didn't sleep, he had no need to eat or drink, but could if he wanted. He didn't digest or require typical hygiene, like showers or the other items they were now purchasing. Cas grabbed some soap and a body puff, dropping them into his basket. As he watched, Dean thought he looked ridiculous carrying it around. An Angel of the Lord with a little plastic shopping basket, it was absurd... but Cas was no longer an Angel, he was human. Dean frowned, confused about the turn of events. He thought he should be happy, but instead he felt ambivalent. Cas had proven a powerful ally, but Cas without his Angelic powers was... _a baby in a trench coat._ Just then, Dean realised it could be dangerous to bring Cas on a hunt in this state. He decided to talk it over with Sam when they returned. Cas was still trying to decide between the options of what shampoo and conditioner pairing to choose, or to just get a shampoo and conditioner in one, when Dean snapped out of his daydreaming.

                "Dean." He said casually while holding up two bottles. "Do I need more moisture in my hair, or volume?" Of course, his head tilted to the right a little. Dean secretly found his naivety adorable.

                "No Cas." He said sternly, grabbing the bottles swiftly and returning them to the shelf at random. Then he grabbed some generic shampoo and conditioner in one and threw it into the basket. "Are we done?" His posture had an air of finality.

                "I forgot floss." Cas replied innocently. Dean sighed and they returned to the dental aisle.

***

                The ride back to the bunker was uneventful. Cas was unsure what to say and Dean was torn about how to say anything he was thinking. Luckily, AC/DC broke the silence at a reasonable volume. As Cas put away all his new supplies in his room, Dean brought up the hunt with Sam.

                "Looks like a vengeful spirit to me." Sam explained. "Seems to be centered around this bakery.  A husband and wife opened it up a few years back, but he passed away and now she runs it on her own." He pushed his hair back as he looked up to Dean. "Seems she can't keep any employees though..." he ended, ominously.

                "Cas can't come with us." Dean blurted. Sam leaned back in his chair, inviting Dean's explanation. "He can't remember shit and... and he's got no powers Sam." Sam looked smug. "Come on! It's too dangerous."

                "It's just a vengeful spirit Dean. Besides, Cas has helped us sans powers before. At minimal power too. He can handle himself." Sam folded his arms behind his head.

                "He- he won't know what to do with a ghost! He's barely a functioning human at this point!" Dean started gesturing wildly like he always does when he gets worked up.

                Cas stood awkwardly in the hallway, watching Dean during his tirade with Sam. He knew Dean was protecting him, even if it was in a really strange, off-putting way. It was very peculiar to see someone, he barely knew, so concerned for his well being. Admittedly, he felt a comfortable closeness when he was with Dean. As if part of himself instantly recognised part of Dean, even though he had no solid memories with him. Being near Dean, made him content. Now, hearing the concern in Dean's voice as he tried to convince Sam it was better he wait at the bunker, he felt justified in these feelings. Still, he had no desire to stay here alone.

                "I can help. Sam's right." Cas said as he stepped forward into the room. Dean swiveled around to face him, stunned. Unsure how much Cas had heard, he just stood there, stupefied. Sam took the opportunity.

                "Fine, it's settled then." He said, grinning as he stood up from his chair and made his way over to Cas. "He's coming along. We'll fill you in on the details in the car." Sam clapped Cas on the back.

                Cas stumbled forward a little, but then felt dizzy. The room spun around him until everything blurred into white. He heard Dean call out his name. It was phrased like a question. Sam had fully grabbed him now, steadying him to keep him from falling. He collapsed to his knees regardless, Sam moving with him in one even motion. White turned to black, and then to pictures... like reading a book in a dream. Suddenly, Cas knew of vile monsters, evil spirits, witchcraft... demons. As quickly as it had happened, Cas snapped out of it. When his vision cleared, Dean was kneeling in front of him, face full of concern. Considering the information Cas had just obtained, without context, he imagined he must look pretty spooked.

                "Are you alright?" Sam asked gently, letting go of Cas now that he could hold his own again.

                "Yeah, I think so." Cas pressed his hands to his head.

                "What the hell happened?"

                _Dean always sounded so urgent._ "I'm not sure..." Cas looked up to Sam.

                "Sam shook some screws loose?" Dean joked, laughing at himself hesitantly.

                "When Sam touched me, it was as if a decade of occult research was slammed into my mind all at once." Cas looked deep in thought.

                "I touched you before though, at the motel." Sam said, perplexed.

                After a few moments of silence, as if in some unspoken agreement, they all stood at the same time. "Well, now you don't have to worry so much Dean." Sam said slyly. Dean shot him a look. "Now Cas knows what we're up against."

                "Oh yeah, how convenient." Dean griped as he forfeited.

                Sam turned back as he was walking to his room, and grinned at Dean again. "Get packed. It's a seven hour drive to Mineral Point."

               Cas looked to Dean for some sort of confirmation, but Dean just threw up his arms and made his way down the hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> With how many times clothes get ripped and/or bloodied on Supernatural, I thought it was safe to assume Cas had many many spares of the same outfit. Haha
> 
> I will never not mention the blue of Cas' eyes when he looks in a mirror, so get used to it now. Hah
> 
> Domestic Cas and Dean was just too adorable... I had to write it.
> 
> I think this chapter is where I decided human Cas is going to be more like crazy Cas to avoid writing my perception of Misha. Future Cas wouldn't suit, because this Cas hasn't gone through what that one did.
> 
> The ride to the bunker was uneventful, because I didn't feel more dialogue would contribute to the tension between Cas and Dean.
> 
> In general the titles of the chapters are song, movie or TV show titles as a tribute to the episodes using the same thing. I try to make them indicative of that chapter's content.
> 
> The song and band choices in each chapter are relevant to the story at the time. The more specific I am, the more likely that song has to do with what is happening. Whether it's just the feel of the music or even the lyrics too.
> 
> The consequences of Sam touching Cas is a hint... I don't want to get too specific and spoil it!
> 
> I almost changed the title of this chapter, but then I listened to the song again and I thought, "Oh yeah, okay."


	7. LOVE AIN'T FOR KEEPING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys reach Mineral Point and start their investigation. As usual, nothing is straight forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3

               They arrived that evening, just before dark. During the road trip, Sam answered any questions Cas had regarding his new found occult library. Cas leaned against Sam's seat, pressing his lap belt into his abdomen tightly, listening intently. Dean sang along quietly to The Who, pretending he wasn't paying attention. When they stopped for lunch, Sam sat across from Dean and Cas, setting up the laptop and continuing his research for possible reasons Cas fell. Neither him nor Dean told Cas. Cas innocently indulged himself in the menu at Biggerson's. When they set out, the boys gave him one of their fraudulent credit cards and an excess cell phone, just in case they got separated. As a result, he ordered an array of things, more than he was likely to finish. Dean pulled a face at Sam and side-eyed Cas when Sam looked up. Sam just screwed up his mouth sideways in a look that said, "What can you do?"

                The boys were so used to Cas not sleeping, neither considered how to book the motel room. Thrilled to use his credit card, Cas booked his own. Dean made arrangements to have them next door to each other. Before going to their rooms, they drove over to check out the bakery. The town looked like something out of the history books, untouched by time. They made their way up Commerce Street to High Street, the main part of the small sleepy town. They quickly noticed many shops were already closed. Unfortunately the bakery was one of them.

                "We'll have to come back tomorrow." Sam said as Dean held up a hand to the glass and peeked in the window.

                "Let's get some grub!" Dean announced, abandoning the bakery and moving down the sidewalk to the nearby pub. Cas just went along with it and followed him. Outnumbered, Sam joined.

                They sat at a high top and Dean ordered a round of beers. After inspecting the menu and ordering food, they sat in awkward silence. Sam did not have the laptop with him to consume his time. Dean tapped the side of his bottle. Finally Cas broke the silence.

                "Tell me what you know about me." He looked at them cautiously.

                Sam glanced at Dean before speaking. "Well, we're not really sure where to start."

                "My name is Cas?"

                "Castiel." Sam replied.

                Dean stiffened up in his chair. _This is really happening._

               "Castiel." He whispered to himself. In his mind's eye, he saw a dark-haired woman, seated at a table with candles, holding the hands of the people seated either side of her.

                "We've known you for years. You used to help us on cases like this one." Sam continued.

                "I am a hunter too?" Cas said with surprise.

                "Um, well, not exactly." Sam glanced down at the table.

                "Oh." Cas seemed disappointed.

                Dean cleared his throat as if to speak, but then didn't say anything.  Instead he sipped his beer as Cas just stared at him.

                "You're an Angel." Sam said carefully. "Well, you were." he corrected.

                Just then the food was delivered to their table, breaking the tension. Castiel was lost in thought... a scene from his dream in Junction City flashed through his mind. Dean was kneeling on the floor, checking on someone unconscious. He looked up from a book on the table and down at Dean.   _I'm an Angel of the Lord._

                Dean took a huge bite of his burger and avoided eye contact with Cas. Sam couldn't eat yet, he just stared across the table, waiting for Cas to show some response. Cas was all, but catatonic.

                "You okay Cas..?" Sam started to reach across the table.

                As if from some other lifetime, Cas recalled falling through the sky, landing on that field outside Hays. It didn't feel real. Suddenly, Cas looked up. "Yes." his was face stern and serious. For an instant, Sam thought he was looking at the old Cas, the Angel Cas. Sam retracted his hand.

                Castiel's face softened and he grabbed a mozzarella stick. "Food is just fantastic isn't it?" he said, smiling. Dean nearly choked. A look of confusion coloured Sam's face for an instant, but he smiled lightly at Cas in understanding.

                "Yeah, it sure is Cas." Sam laughed and started in on his grilled chicken.

***

                The next morning everyone got up early to head to the bakery for breakfast. They decided to go about this case quietly and get a feel for the place first. The woman working behind the counter was friendly enough. They ordered various pastries and Dean a bacon and egg breakfast sandwich, then had a seat in a nearby booth. Cas slipped across against the window and Dean sat across from him. Sam plopped down next to Cas and pulled an EMF meter from his pocket, hiding it under the table. He looked around the bakery. Patrons were going about their morning as usual. He flipped the switch and pulled it out slightly. All the lights immediately flashed on and it emitted a muffled high-pitched whirr.

                Cas glanced over at him, chocolate smeared on his mouth, and still chewing. "What's that?"

                "Electromagnetic field detector." Sam replied quietly. "This, lets us know if I'm right about the vengeful spirit. By the looks of things, I was." Sam took a bite of his pastry.

                "Alright, we'll need to find out more about this owner then." Dean swallowed the last bite of his breakfast sandwich.

                "I'll look into current and previous employee records. You and Cas go check the husband's death records." Sam agreed, before finishing his pastry.

                Sam left for a moment and grabbed his laptop from the Impala. When he re-entered the bakery, he ordered a coffee and settled in to attempt to hack into the employee database. Dean agreed to meet him back here in an hour and got up. The Impala looked very conspicuous parked on the street in such a little town. Dean unlocked his door, climbed in and reached over to unlock the passenger door. Cas eagerly jumped into the front seat.

                "Where we going?" Cas practically bounced with excitement.

                "County Courthouse, but first, we need a change of clothes." Dean pulled away, tires screeching. "Did you bring your suit jacket and tie?"

                "Yup! I found the badge you told me about too." Cas looked self-satisfied.

                "Good." Dean said frankly.

                At the motel they went to their rooms and changed. Dean put on his suit from the trunk and Cas rolled his sleeves down, applied his tie and popped on his jacket. Somehow, maybe years of practice, Dean was still done first and was leaning on the back of Baby when Cas came out from his room. Subtly, they mutually eyed each other off. Dean suddenly felt more relaxed with Cas dressed this way. There was a comforting familiarity about him now. All that was missing was his tan rain coat. As Dean inspected him, he noticed that as usual, Cas had somehow managed to put his tie on backward. Pushing himself off the car without a word, he approached Cas and reached for it. Cas let out a small gasp and stumbled backward a step. He was unaccustomed to Dean this close. Without a word, Dean took his tie, undid it and corrected it with the utmost care and precision. As Dean backed off and looked him over again, Cas realised he was holding his breath. He released it as slowly and quietly as he could, as Dean turned to walk away. 

                 Since the town was so small, instead of taking the Impala they walked to the County Courthouse.

                "When we get there, just let me do the talking." Dean commanded.

                "Okay. I'll follow your lead." Cas smiled up at Dean.

                "No, just be quiet okay?" Dean gave Cas a stern look, he knew what'd happened on past cases with Cas.

                Cas frowned and looked down at the sidewalk. "Dean?" He said into the ground. Dean made a noise in response. "I'm glad I could come along with you. I'm having a good time."

                "This is not a... 'good time', Cas. This is serious." Dean missed the point completely.

                "Right. Case. Work." Cas continued walking in silence.

                When they reached the County Courthouse, Dean flashed his badge and nudged Cas to do the same. He made up some phoney story about researching a case in a nearby county and they got access to the city death records. Cas was impressed by how simple it seemed for Dean. Like a second nature. In the record room, their search was made easier by knowing the man's name.  Unfortunately, his record listed that his body was never found.

                "Son of bitch!" Dean tossed the folder at the table. Cas sat quietly, unsure of what to say that could help. Dean pulled out his phone and dialled Sam.

                "Dean? What'd you find?" Sam's voice crackled through the phone, just barely audible to Cas.

                "Jack shit! The guy's definitely dead, but unaccounted for! His body was never found." Dean walked circles as he talked. Cas could practically feel his frustration. His inability to help was physically painful.

                Sam's broken words came through the phone, "I was able to... employee records... high turnover since..."  Dean stopped moving.

                "Like a poltergeist?" Dean seemed surprised and Cas wondered what was going on.

                "Yeah, as if... most quit, but... she was fired." Sam's disconnected voice drifted to Cas again.

                "Alright. We'll head your way and pick you up. We can come back tonight after close and have a good look." Dean hung up. "Come on, we've got some leads." Cas knew he wouldn't get more information from Dean, so he followed him out and back to the bakery.

***

                That night they broke into the bakery to investigate. Dean swiftly picked the lock after Sam disabled the alarm system. _Why can't vengeful spirit cases ever be straight forward?_ Once inside, Sam pulled out the EMF meter again. He switched it on and canvassed the shop. Dean moved to the back of the shop, armed with one of their shotguns full of rock salt. Cas followed him closely.

                Almost as soon as they'd disappeared to the back, Sam heard dishes clattering, so he called out to them. "Guys?" The EMF meter squealed loudly and the lights went solid. Upon hearing more clattering, Sam headed for the back of the shop.  "Dean?" Sam came upon Dean and Cas standing in a pile of metal cutlery. Forks, spoons, butter knives, spatulas and more surrounded them in a heap on the floor.

                "Poltergeist bullshit, just like was reported by employees." Dean explained.

                "What the hell?" Sam didn't have time to consider however, as a pan flew at him. He put his arm up to block it, and it clattered to the floor.

                "Show yourself asshole!" Dean yelled at the void.

                As the apparition for a woman came to full power, there was a burst of energy, throwing the three of them across the room. Dean clattered into a shelf full of pots and pans. Sam smacked hard into a wall and fell, sprawled out onto the floor. Cas crashed directly into the large commercial ovens, his head bashing directly into the solid metal corner. Dean recovered first and in a clattering of metal pots, he checked on Sam and Cas. Sam was getting up off the floor, but Cas wasn't moving.

                "Cas!?" he yelled as he grabbed for the sawed-off shotgun he dropped.

                "I got him!" Sam hollered back to Dean, just before Dean fired at the ghost. Sam knelt down beside Cas and checked his breathing. Finding slow and steady breaths, he carefully scooped him up off the floor.

                "Go Sam, go!" Dean practically screamed, "I got your back!" Just then the spirit reappeared between them and Dean. Dean watched helpless, as Sam, carrying Cas in his arms, disappeared to the front of the bakery. "Come after me whore!" Dean raised the shotgun and fired again.

                Outside, Sam laid Cas in the backseat of the Impala. he was still breathing, but unconscious and a little blood was coming from his ear and nose. His hair was matted with blood where he hit his head. Sam took off his outer plaid shirt and pressed it onto the wet spot. Without notice, Dean appeared and swiftly got into the driver's seat. Sam climbed into the back, putting Cas' head on his lap, still holding the shirt to his wound.

                "How is he Sam?" Dean pleaded as he pulled away from the curb.

                "He's breathing Dean, but it doesn't look good." Sam's voice cracked a little.

                They were back at the motel in a heartbeat. Sam gingerly carried Cas into the shared room and put him on Dean's bed. Dean hovered the whole time, full of anxiety.

                "Can't you stop the bleeding Sammy?" Dean sounded more urgent than ever.

                "Head wounds always bleed worse than they really are Dean, remember?" Sam took the pressure off and refolded his now blood soaked shirt, then reapplied it to Cas' head.

                "Who was that bitch?!" Dean was pacing, swelling with revenge.

                "I think that was Julie Newman." Sam dabbed the blood away from Cas' nose and ear. "I recognised her from her picture. She was the employee who was fired, but there was no reason listed in her file."

                "We need to find out where she is and salt and burn the shit out of her!"

                "In a town this small, she's likely in the one near cemetery here. You stay with Cas, keep the pressure on until the bleeding stops. I'll go." Sam handed Dean his bloodied shirt and then took out his phone to map the nearest cemetery. He grabbed the keys to the Impala off the table by the door and glanced at Dean who was engrossed in caring for Cas. The motel room door closed with a soft click.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> It was so hard to describe those faces Jared pulls as Sam. I really hope I'm conveying the ones I think I am. Haha
> 
> Those are actual streets in Mineral Point. I looked it up again like Hays and I plan to continue to do this for accuracy. =)
> 
> Along the same lines, I looked at an actual online menu for a pub in the area to decide what Sam would even eat in a pub... I just realised I made him eat meat. Is he canonically a vegetarian? I don't think I've ever seen Sam eat meat. Hmm.
> 
> Sam does all the talking to explain to Cas, because we all know Dean can't articulate feelings easily.
> 
> Cas has food on his face and speaks with his mouth full, because as an Angel he didn't eat. Why would he have any manners about it?
> 
> I checked with my hubby, who's in IT, to make sure Sam would even be capable of hacking that database. He said it depended on the system used, but it was good enough for me. Haha
> 
> Again, I actually looked up where death records would be kept in this region of Wisconsin. County Courthouse was the best spot within town.
> 
> I just realised I missed an opportunity to have Dean fix Cas' tie and I'm going to go write it in!!
> 
> I chose a vengeful spirit, not only to make it easy for Cas, but cause I miss the good ole' days of shotguns and rock-salt.
> 
> Shout out to @Hugglewolf on twitter, who wanted a fic where Sam carries Cas. ^__^


	8. BEHIND BLUE EYES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All is revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3

                Before Chuck, God, left, he repaired the situation in Heaven. Perhaps concerned about his possible failings, he told the Angels to watch over humanity. A select few Angels were lifted up as new Archangels, a prestige Castiel knew he was not privy to... not after what he'd done. Chuck assigned these new Archangels each a Garrison and gave them new instructions. Small groups in each Garrison were assigned to stay on Earth in pairs. They were supposed to help the hunters keep evil at bay, but with strict instructions not to interfere with humanity's efforts. What must be, must be.

                The new leader of Castiel's Garrison was a Archangel named Zadkiel. He was a righteous and just Angel, but with a gentle temperament and firm understanding of mercy. Castiel couldn't help but wonder if he was assigned under him on purpose. The new Garrison ranks were gathered and Zadkiel gave a brief speech. The Angels rallied over having new purpose. To them, it was not about saving or protecting the humans, but extinguishing that which God felt needed to be kept in check. Zadkiel chose six pairs of Angels from his Garrison and assigned them to each inhabited continent.

                "What of me brother?" Castiel looked up at Zadkiel, hopeful.

                "I have not chosen you Castiel." Zadkiel's face was emotionless.

                "But brother, I have experience on Earth. Probably more than any Angel still in Heaven. I can do this best." Castiel asserted.

                "I am not sure your... methods, are appropriate this time Castiel." Zadkiel began to walk away.

                Castiel followed, relentless. "The Winchesters are knowledgeable about our ways. I am sure I can convince them it is in the best interests of all that we work together in this misson."

                Zadkiel turned, looking grandiose as his spotless white wings shuddered and settled. "Castiel. You heard father, this is not how he wants it done this time."

                "Please brother, I'm begging you, let me return. I will show you, we can make it work." Castiel's eyes looked panicked.

                "You have fallen brother. So far from your origin." as Zadkiel turned his back to Castiel, he folded his arms and put a hand to his mouth in thought. "Yet, I am not God, I cannot stop you. You have chosen free will and that path cannot be overturned by anyone, but you."

                "I will not let the Garrison down." Castiel said before he vanished.

               Months passed as he continued trying to talk Dean over to his side. Up to this point, Cas' efforts had been hopeless. Dean wouldn't hear what he was asking. He'd gone to Sam for help, but to no avail. He couldn't tell them in a way they would understand. He tried to keep up appearances, as if he was checking in with Heaven for orders, but in reality when he left them at times, he just went on his own to visit various places on Earth. He was tormenting himself, and he could no longer return and face the look of growing scorn from Zadkiel and his Garrison. He was failing. If he failed, he would lose Dean, possibly forever. Of course, he couldn't tell Dean this was the reason, there would be no way to reconcile that fact. His pathetic attempts, were the only way to keep contact, but even he could see the strain it was putting on his relationship with Dean. Foolishly, he felt that any contact, even if it proved harmful, was better than none.

                "Dean?" Cas appeared in Dean's room at the bunker. Dean appeared to be studying something at his desk. Startled by Cas' sudden arrival, he jumped a little. Cas was standing so close, looking over his shoulder, that he was almost touching him.

                "Cas! Will you never learn? Personal space!" Dean was just annoyed he'd been frightened for a moment. Even so, Cas stepped back a pace.

                "I have news Dean. The Garrison, they said-" Castiel began.

                "Do we have to do this again Cas?" Dean grumbled, getting up from the desk.

                "Dean please, hear me, this time it can be different."

                "You keep saying that. It's not happening Cas. Sam and I, we've always done things our way." He started to leave the room. Turning back, he added, "What even makes you think we'd _want_ to follow orders from Angels?" Cas just stood there, shoulders sagging, stumped for an answer. Dean scoffed and walked down the hall to the common room. As Dean entered, Cas appeared ahead of him.

                "Damn it Cas!" Dean was becoming exasperated. He shoved a bunch of books off one of the tables.

                "Dean, look..." Cas started. 

"You tell them to keep their feathered asses out of my business! I did my piece with them!" Dean smacked at one of the metal lamps attached to the table top and the shade flew off, clattering on the floor nearby.

                "Dean, if you would just calm down we-" Cas put his hands up as if to show he was not a threat. Instead, Dean tossed a book in Cas' direction. It was never intended to hit him and flew through a doorway, landing with a thud in the hall.

                "They can't order me around! I'm not one of their  _'soldiers'_!"

                "I understand, but as you know, I am still part of the Garrison and I must obe-" Cas seemed calm, serene.

                "Since when Cas? Huh? You've been on Team Free Will for years! How could you let this change your mind?"

                "I didn't..." Cas looked at the cold stone floor. "Circumstances changed.. I had no choice."

                "So when did you choose to betray us?" Dean spat.

                "Betray..?" Cas was stunned.

               "Why don't you just go do their bidding on your own, huh Cas?" Dean was livid, he'd reached the point of no return. Everything he'd ever regret started pouring from his mouth.

                Cas stood in stunned silence, taking every word. Slowly his very being fragmented and crumbled under the weight. His heart unravelled, broken. Unnoticed, a tear rolled down his cheek. Dean was lost now, furious, pacing, berating Cas. The light went out in Cas' eyes. He longed so badly to explain to Dean. To tell him he did not want to leave him. To tell him it was the only way. He couldn't find the words. What would Dean even be able say in response when he was like this. There was nothing he could do.

                "You should just figure out who's side your on!" Dean turned back and Castiel was gone.

***

                Time ticked by incredibly slowly for Dean as he stared at Cas, still unconscious. Once the bleeding had stopped, Dean discarded Sam's ruined shirt on the floor. He removed Cas' horribly bloodied shirt and cleaned him up with a damp towel from the bathroom. Not knowing what else to do, he just sat on the opposite bed and waited. Staring intently as if, any second now, Cas would miraculously awake. The illusion was broken though, when Sam had come to let him know he'd found Julie and taken care of the issue.

                "She was in the cemetery I suspected." Sam said quietly. "After I took care of things, I went back to the bakery." Dean sat silently, but Sam knew he was hearing him. "I broke in again, everything was quiet. I waited an hour or so, but nothing happened, so I think they're safe now Dean."

                Dean could barely respond. "That's great Sammy." He said halfheartedly.

                "How is he Dean?" Sam stepped toward the bed.

                "Nothing's changed." Dean didn't look at Sam, he didn't move at all.

                "At least the bleeding's stopped. That's a good sign." Sam consoled.

                "Yeah."

                "I brought you something to eat." Sam sat a bag of fast food on the table by the door.

                "Okay."

                "I'll stay in Cas' room tonight. Let me know if you need anything, alright?" Dean did not respond and Sam retreated to the room next door.

                As the hours slowly passed, Dean alternated between sitting on the other bed until he started to shake with anxiety and restlessly pacing until the shaking stopped. Finally, his guard went down and he spoke to Cas.

                "Come on man. Wake up already..." He paced again. "You can't do this, not when we've just found you again." He stopped and stared at the floor a moment. "Not when I've..." He covered his face and spoke into his hand. "Not when I've just gotten you back." He clenched his hand into a fist and dropped it to his side, fighting the urge to trash the room.

                "Don't do this to me Cas." Dean said, turning to the bed where Cas lay. He marched over and grabbed Cas' shoulders, "Wake up!" He growled through clenched teeth.

                He was about to shake Cas, but instead he fell to his knees and collapsed across him. Inhibition lost, he let go and sobbed into Cas' bare chest. When he began to calm again, he lifted his head and looked at Cas' face. _Still an Angel. Always an Angel._  Propping himself onto his elbows, he gently touched Cas' cheek. It felt soft and still warm. His tears fell onto Cas' neck and rolled off the sides. Dean rubbed his face on his sleeve. Putting his head back onto Cas' chest, he spoke again.

                "Cas..." He gasped, then sniffled. "Cas, please... you've got to come back." He fought to hold back his sobs again. "Please, don't leave me." His hand clenched Cas' arm, the muscles under Cas' skin flexed naturally in response to the pressure.

                "I can't go on without you. When you were gone, I..." He swallowed noisily. "I was nothing." The light air of Cas' unwavering breaths hit Dean's hair faintly. "I need you Cas..." He exhaled. Cas' chest rose and fell. Dean became silent and listened to Cas' heart, beating steadily.

                "I love you." He whispered.

***

                Upon leaving Dean in the bunker that day, Castiel finally returned to Heaven and submitted to Zadkiel. He promised to give up his foolish errand. He made a choice, wherever that choice may lead. He did everything asked of him, wordlessly, mindlessly. It was the same, day in, day out. At first, some Angels approached him and expressed concern. Castiel would not speak. Their attempts to make him see his choice was the correct one, fell on deaf ears. Gradually, they gave up their quest to comfort him. Frequently, he had to resist the urge to check on Dean. He never went back. He promised, after all.

                Zadkiel had been watching his misery. "Castiel, this cannot go on."

                He did nothing to acknowledge his presence, but to Zadkiel, Castiel spoke. "I have done nothing wrong brother. I do all that you ask, when you ask, how you ask for it to be done."

                "Maybe so, but you must not remain so melancholy. Surely you are no longer pining to return to Earth?"  

                Castiel looked up from his work, fire in his eyes. He knew what Zadkiel meant. Not Earth, Dean.

                "I will not let you continue to work like this Castiel."

                Castiel rose from his place now. "What do you intend to do brother?"

                "What I must."

                Castiel heard himself in those words. Spoken so long ago, so many years ago. So many mistakes ago. He had betrayed Dean then as well. It seemed this was his fate. Destined to lose Dean in the end. Ducking his head, eyes closed, he opened his arms to his brother, inviting whatever may come. White light enveloped him.

                When Castiel opened his eyes, he was sitting on a large rock among the flowers in his favourite Heaven, a balmy Tuesday afternoon in 1953. Before he had a chance to gather his wits, a familiar voice spoke up behind him.

                "Brother," it said, "Please, let me help you."

                As Castiel turned, once again he was engulfed in blinding white light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> Zadkiel, (Archangel of freedom, benevolence, mercy, and the Patron Angel of all who forgive) is character created on twitter for @DustinDorough by WhenFandomStrikes (on A03) and possibly other friends and fans. ~~He was notified he may be written into this fic~~ He has said he is honored to have been written into this fic!  <3
> 
> My use of Castiel vs Cas in situations is very deliberate.
> 
> I matched up Cas' flashback of his argument with Dean, to Sam's flashback. Sam was there listening...
> 
> Deans confession was written while listening to Kaleo's 'Save Yourself' and 'I Can't Go On Without You'... probably contributing to the mood of it. I even changed Dean's sentence to the song title, because it fit better than what I wrote originally.
> 
> Castiel's favourite Heaven is one of my favourite sets from the show as well. I was lucky enough to visit there and find out the rock wasn't really there, it was a prop. 'The Man Who Would Be King" is one of my favourite episodes, and Cas' monologue on the bench by the pond is my all time favourite set. It was still an absolutely beautiful place to visit, even without the snow and flowers.


	9. GETTING IN TUNE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys hit a detour on the way back to the bunker and run into someone unexpected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3

                Cas awoke slowly, with the feeling that he was lost. It took him a moment to realise he was still in the motel room in Mineral Point. It was completely silent, except for Led Zeppelin's Fool in the Rain, playing softly from a cell phone charging on the small table between the beds.  Then he saw him, Dean, asleep on top of the blankets and fully clothed on Sam's bed across from him. He realised he was in Dean's bed. Sam was nowhere to be found. The clock on the table read 5:16 am.

                Quietly, he got up and used the bathroom without flushing. He looked into the orbs of ocean blue in the mirror. There was still a bit of crusty blood on his hairline and neck. Turning the tap on low, he gathered some water in his hands and splashed it over his face. He rubbed at the dried blood, washing it away as he stared intently at the reflection looking back at him. Zadkiel's voice rang out in his mind. _I have not chosen you Castiel._

                Back in the main room, Cas saw his bags had been moved to this room. He grabbed a clean dress shirt from his belongings and put it on without buttoning it. Then he returned to the bed and sat on the edge, watching Dean sleep. Moments ticked by slowly as Cas tried to recount as much as he could from his dream. _So when did you choose to betray us?_ Dean's voice was like ice. _Why don't you just go do their bidding on your own, huh Cas?_ Time seemed to slow to a stop as a well of dull pain swelled up in Cas' chest. Then the song changed and he snapped out of it. The bed side clock read 5:21am. Dean stirred and Cas was taken aback. He sat up straight and waited for Dean's full consciousness to return.

                Dean opened his eyes groggily at first, then he sat up abruptly. "Cas?!" Dean's eyes went wide as he took in the figure sitting before him, lingering on the small patch of chest visible where Cas' shirt hung open, following it up to his neck, clean of blood. He glanced at Cas' lips and then found his shining blue eyes.

                "Hello Dean." Cas replied, barely above a whisper.

                Dean sat up on the other bed across from Cas, leaning in, elbows on his knees. "You... okay?"

                "I feel okay." Cas' voice was flat, but honest.

                "You've been out for over a day..." Dean looked incredulous.

                "Really, I'm okay Dean. My head doesn't even hurt."

                "Don't you _ever_ do that again." Dean threatened, straightening up and gripping his knees.

                Cas looked at his feet. Dean sighed as he leaned back and ruffled his hair with his hands.

                After a tense moment, Cas looked back up. "What happened at the bakery?"

                Dean's face became serious. "After you hit your head, we got you out of there." His expression took on an air of indignation. "Sammy found that bitch. He went out that night to salt and burn her. It's taken care of now." He paused and sighed again. "He went back to the bakery yesterday morning and talked to the owner. As soon as he brought up Julie Newman, she broke down and confessed."

                "Confessed?" Cas tilted his head.

                Dean leaned forward, elbows on knees again. "Yeah. Her husband was cheating on her with one of the young employees. Naturally, the wife fired her, but she returned and they got into an argument. The owner swears it was an accident, but... the husband is still unaccounted for and..." Dean put his face into his hands.

                "Dean..." Cas reached over and put his hand on Dean's shoulder.

                "I thought you were gone Cas." Dean mumbled into his palms.

                Cas opened his mouth to respond, but there was a knock on the door. As Cas pulled his hand away, Dean tried to hide the gesture needed to rub his sleeve over his eyes as a cough, before he turned to face the entry. The door clicked open and Sam stepped into the room.

                "Cas!" Sam lit up like billboard. Placing a bag of food on the table next to the untouched fast food from the previous day, he took two huge strides over to Cas and Dean. "You're alright?"

                "I'm fine Sam." Cas smiled that light smile he seems to reserve for Sam.

                "I'm glad to hear it." Sam smiled back broadly. "Everything is taken care of here. If you're up for it, we can head back to the bunker today."

                "Yes. Dean has filled me in on the details." Cas shifted his gaze to check on Dean.

                Dean cleared his throat and stood up. "Yeah. Get your shit together, let's go." He was stone-faced once again. The dull pain returned to Cas' chest at the missed opportunity.

                "Alright then! Breakfast on the go is here." Sam gestured at the bag and left the room to get his things from the adjacent one.

***

                Just over an hour later they were back on the road. During the ride, Sam asked Cas enough questions that his interrogation could be considered a valid medical exam without physical contact. Dean drove quietly, mouthing lyrics as his favourite songs came on. Cas had seen now, he knew what lay underneath the surface of Dean's facade. He knew Dean was relieved and happy. That Dean was listening more intently than he let on. He also realised, Dean won't willingly let it out in front of Sam.

                They stopped for lunch near the Iowa and Missouri border around noon. They were seated in a booth and Sam got out the laptop to resume searching for clues about Cas' fall in private. Cas sat next to Dean and annoyed him over the menu.

                "I want to try this one." He pointed at some kind of chicken dish with sauce. "It looks like it will taste fantastic."

                "Okay Cas." Dean literally had to shrug him off, as Cas was leaning slightly on his shoulder. Dean glanced at Sam, but Sam was engrossed in something on his computer and to Dean's relief, hadn't noticed.

                "Oh, but maybe this one!" Dean's muscles tensed as Cas moved in close with the menu again. There was no room left for Dean to slide over.

                "Hey, guys..." Sam started without looking up. "I think we might be in for a detour."

                "What is it Sammy?" Dean replied, making a face at Cas to back off. Cas pulled away, dejected. A waiter came by and took their orders.

                "Seems to be a case in Indiana. Witnesses say they saw a bright flash of light coming from the area where a body was discovered." Sam rotated the computer to face Dean and Cas. "Reports detail a body found with something etched into the areas around it. There was so much crap in the alley though, no one can make out what the etching is." Sam raised an eyebrow.

                "Sounds like an Angel death..." Dean mused.

                "Might be a good lead Dean." Sam hinted.

                Cas had been listening to them, head half cocked. He may be human now, but he wasn't a fool. "Sounds like a good plan. Maybe we can find an Angel to talk to." Sam and Dean looked at him, suspicious. Cas chose his words carefully. "I remembered... some things. When I was unconscious."

                "What things?" Dean accused. Sam gave him a glare.

                "The Garrison. The restructure in Heaven. What it was to be... an Angel." He conveniently left off the fall out with Dean.

                "What else to do your remember Cas?" Sam asked softly.

                "I'm sorry Sam. It's all bits and pieces."

                "So you know you fell." Dean said flatly.

                "Yes."

                "Do you know how?" Dean's voice got louder as he turned to Cas. "Or better yet, why?"

                "I..." Cas looked at the table.

                "Dean!" Sam scolded. "He said he remembers bits, let's not overwhelm him."

                Just then their food arrived, rescuing Cas. Sam picked up the laptop and closed it, laying it on the bench seat next to him, so the plates could be placed. In the awkward silence that ensued, Sam poured dressing on his salad. Cas gently sliced up his chicken, then ate noiselessly. In contrast, Dean spoke to Sam through mouthfuls of food, relieving the pressure.

                "So what town are we heading to then?" Dean acted nonchalant, holding his burger in such a way that it might open and spill out the contents.

                "Bloomington." Sam stabbed his salad with his fork intently.

                "Alright. We'll keep going south to the thirty-one then. Take that east till the seventy-two." He took another bite of burger. They'd been on the road so long, Dean felt like he knew every route by heart. He probably did.

                "This dish was a great choice Dean." Cas licked some sauce off his fork just as Dean looked over. "Do you want to try it?" Cas stabbed a piece of chicken with his fork and offered it up to him. Dean realised his mouth was open and closed it. He gently shook his head and, looking down, smiled a little to himself. Cas shrugged and as he popped the chicken into his mouth instead, he thought he heard Sam snicker.

***

                 The trio arrived at a motel in Bloomington just after eight. They'd stopped for dinner on the way and so, after unloading their things and preparing for any possibility, they decided to investigate the scene that night. The Angel death took place in an alley behind some shops, not too far from a University campus. When they arrived, most of the shops had already closed up and the ones still open, looked to be readying to close. Dean parked the Impala a good distance from the shopfronts. He and Cas followed Sam over to the crime scene.  They didn't see anyone around, but there were still barriers and police tape around the area. Sam tore a section of it away and walked through with Dean and Cas on his heels. Sure enough, something was charred along the walls of the building and scattered areas of the ground.  It was obvious many objects from the alley had been removed as evidence. To those in the know however, even with the missing items, it was clear they were looking at the remains of an Angel's wings.

                "Is there any way for you to know who it was Cas?" Dean pushed around some trash on the ground, looking for clues.

                "No, not just from this." Cas' face looked somber as he touched his fingertips to the burns on the concrete wall.

                "Castiel." A voice mocked him from the darkness. "I was waiting for someone else, but imagine my surprise to see you." The trio turned to see who had snuck up on them.

                As the figure exited the darkness, images flooded Castiel's vision for an instant. Then he recognised this Angel. "Nathaniel." He snarled.

                "Always with the Winchesters Castiel." Nathaniel stepped into the security lighting from the building. He was slightly taller than Dean and had short, fiery red hair pointing in all directions. His green eyes flashed at Castiel, reminiscent of Dean's, but with an otherworldly superiority. He wore a stylish charcoal grey suit accented by a bright orange tie. His glossy dress shoes clicked on the pavement and reflected the light.

                "Who were you waiting on." Dean moved forward protectively, in front of Sam and Cas.

                "Our Father has sent us to clean up your messes. Where you fail, we shall succeed." Like magic, an Angel blade suddenly glistened in his hand.

                Dean leaned forward, about to pull his own Angel blade. "Dean, he's an Archangel." Cas' gravelly whisper wafted over Dean's shoulder. Dean hesitated.

                When Nathaniel did not attack, Cas tried to reason with him instead. "What happened here?"

                "Unfortunately, Tabbris was out smarted. His partner, Hadraniel, has returned to Heaven for the time being." Nathaniel held the Angel blade parallel to the ground and poked his fingertip into the end. "Seems he was hunting no ordinary werewolf." He began spinning the blade in place between his hands.

                "Werewolves?!" Sam exclaimed. "I didn't see any news reports that indicated werewolves in this town."

                "Just because you don't see them, doesn't mean they aren't there." Nathaniel stopped spinning his Angel blade and gripped it in his hand once again.

                "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Dean retorted.

                A familiar voice called out a warning from behind them.

                "Stay out of this." Nathaniel's voice boomed. "The Angels will handle it." Outnumbered, Nathaniel vanished.

                The boys turned to see who had called out to them. A tall, lanky figure in a blue plaid shirt, wearing a trucker's hat, materialised from the darkness.

                Sam and Dean were stunned. In unison they proclaimed, "Garth?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> This chapter includes more deliberate music choices.
> 
> I checked the drive times from each location the boys went and made sure the timing worked correctly. Of course, Dean drives a little faster than the average motorist...
> 
> The Angels chosen for the chapter are very specific:  
> I wanted a snarky, fiery personality and Nathaniel is an Archangel of fire. I also gave him a "fiery" look. Being Chuck assigned new Archangels and he was not already in canon, I thought he was a great fit for this Garrison.  
> The Angel who died, Tabbris, is the Angel of self determination and freewill. This event marks Castiel's turmoil.  
> The Angel who was his partner, Hadraniel, is the Angel of love. A nod to Dean and Cas' in-so-far unrequited relationship.
> 
> I love Garth, so I just had to write him in! I have something fun in store for the next chapter. ^__^


	10. BAD MOON RISING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam, Dean and Cas learn more about what the Garrison has been up to while helping Garth escape them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3

                "Hey guys!" Garth swept Sam and Dean in for a hug. 

                From the shock of seeing him, Dean didn't raise his arms to hug back. "Garth, what are you doing here?"

                Garth released them and stepped back again. "Well, we've been moving around a lot the last few months." The seemingly permanent smile left Garth's face. "The Angels, they keep right on our heels."

                "What do you mean?" Sam's eyebrows came together in concern.

                "We haven't broken our promise!" Garth's put up his palms, his eyes wide with worry. "No one in the pack ever hurt humans, but the Angels, they won't listen. I had to fight back this time."

                Dean stiffened.  "The Angels are... after you?" Garth nodded and Dean felt frustrated that Cas was no longer an Angel. If only he could burn the warding into Garth and his pack, which had worked for him and Sam all these years. "Damn it!" Everyone turned to look at Dean. "It's just... if Cas were an Angel still..."

                "Cas?" Garth narrowed his eyes.

                "Yeah." It dawned on Dean that Garth and Cas hadn't met before. Dean shifted his body toward Cas and gestured. "Garth, this is Cas." To Cas Dean said, "Garth was a hunter like us. Until... he was bitten."

                Cas gave an awkward smile and lowered his head. "Hello."

                Garth went up and hugged him. "Any friend of Sam and Dean's is a friend of mine!" Cas stared at Dean over Garth's shoulder, his eyes calling for help as he was squeezed. Dean just replied with a toothy grin as he shrugged.

                Watching him then, Dean remembered when Cas was human before... when he almost died. He'd seen the warding tattoo Cas had on his abdomen to hide him from the Angels. Suddenly, memories of laying against Cas' chest the day before flashed through his mind. He tried not to think about the events in the motel at Mineral Point. When Dean rejoined them in the present, Garth had released Cas. "I have an idea." Dean announced, "but first, let's get out of here." then he marched toward the Impala.

                They offered Garth a ride back to where he was staying, when he mentioned he left his car back with Bess so she would have a quick escape plan. To Sam's surprise, Dean offered for him to drive. On the ride there, Dean told Garth about the warding tattoo. In turn, Garth explained about the Angels after them, tracking them endlessly across the Midwest. He went a bit quiet as he explained that most of their pack members didn't make it, including Bess' dad. When that happened three weeks ago, the pack split up, thinking it was safer to try to get away on their own. His voice cracked as he told them Bess is pregnant and due in just over a month's time.

                "So what? The Angels are hunters now?" Dean turned back, looking over the bench seat at Cas. "You wanna shed any light on this?"

                "Well..." Cas avoided eye contact with Dean and addressed Garth instead. "I only remember so much. Through the restructure, we had new Garrisons. We were told to help the cause of the hunters, but without interfering in human efforts."

                "So all the Angels are just killing anything that goes bump in the night?" Dean's voice was gruff.

                "No, not all the Angels. There were assignments. Pairs." Cas fidgeted with a button on his shirt.

                Dean couldn't help himself. "And what was _your_ assignment Cas?" Sam glanced in the rear-view mirror and as if he knew, Cas met his eyes there for an instant.

                Cas looked back down at his button. "I... don't remember Dean." He didn't want to lie, but this wasn't the place. Sam looked back at the road. Cas tried to hide his surprise when Dean accepted the answer and moved on.

                "Well, if we get you and Bess the warding tattoo, we'll have to hope they can't track your kid." Dean looked at Garth solemnly. "Best chance you got."

                "Actually, there's one more with us." Garth offered hesitantly. Just then Sam parked the car outside the address Garth had given him. Garth was suddenly cheerful again. "Ya'll are welcome to come in!"

                "That's probably a good idea until we can get you inked up tomorrow." Sam replied.

                Everyone piled out of the car. The address was an old rundown multistorey house outside of town.  As Garth lead the way, he explained they'd been squatting or renting various properties as they moved around. Personal belongings were sparse, but they picked up some essentials each move, where they could. He said Bess needed to nest in every place, even if they were only there a week. They'd been successfully hiding out here since the pack split up three weeks ago, until the Angel kill. When they walked in the door, Bess was there waiting, even though it was near midnight. She ran up to Garth and hugged him tightly, not taking in the visitors trailing behind.

                "Thank god you're okay!" She exclaimed breathlessly into Garth's shirt. Opening her eyes, she saw the boys and practically jumped backward, letting go of Garth with an, "Ooh!"

                "It's okay Bess, you remember Sam and Dean." Garth turned to the boys, smiling. "They're here to help. They heard about the Angel kill."

                "Yes, of course." She put her hand out to shake theirs. Dean introduced Cas, leaving off the part about him being a former Angel. Cas extended his hand as the others did. She took it and as she shook, he watched the action in mild fascination.

                Garth broke the enchantment and Bess let go. "Dean thinks he has a plan to keep us off the radar." Just as he was about to explain, a figured started coming down the staircase behind him and Bess. He started an introduction, "Oh, yeah! Guys this is..."

                "Kate." Sam finished for him quietly.

                She didn't look thrilled to see them. "Garth didn't tell me he knew you two." She stood on the bottom platform of the stairs, arms folded. The air in the room seemed to thicken.

                "Um..." Garth looked at Sam and Dean apologetically.

                "It's alright." Dean straightened up and folded his own arms. "Just, us and Kate, we have a bit of history."

                Garth still felt he needed to justify her presence. "She hasn't hurt anyone. She's like Bess and me." He offered hopefully.

                "We know Garth." Sam put his hand on Garth's shoulder gently. "But our last meeting wasn't pleasant... for Kate."

                Kate put her arms down and looked at the floor a moment. Then she looked to Sam and Dean. "Look, I should have never brought my sister into this. I can't blame you for what happened. If you're here to help then..." She looked back down and was quiet a moment. "I don't want to die."

                The group of them stayed up another few hours in the living room, sitting on and around the smattering of furniture which looked like it might have been picked up from the curb. Dean explained the plan to Bess and Kate. Bess voiced obvious concern for her unborn baby, but in the end, everyone concluded the risk from the Angels was greater. Kate seemed unworried about having to get a tattoo. She stayed pretty quiet during the conversation, Sam wondered if she felt a bit like an outsider. Cas was also quiet, listening to Dean's explanation of his tattoo. He still couldn't read it, but it was nice to know why it was there. When Cas fell asleep and started to slouch into Dean's shoulder, it was time for everyone to disperse to their rooms. Sam grabbed the sleeping bags and pillows they kept under the weapons cache in the trunk and they picked separate rooms.

***

                The next morning, Cas presented Dean with a photograph of his tattoo on his cell phone, as instructed. Garth packed up his gear while Bess made everyone a big breakfast. Being on the run, Garth had completely fallen back into the hunter lifestyle. Sam and Dean were unfazed to see he'd kept all his fake Id's, scam credit cards and some weapons. Bess didn't seem completely comfortable, but she said she knew what had to be done and wanted her and the baby to be safe. It turned out that Kate was in Indiana attending the nearby college. She'd run into Garth after being located by the Angels and he'd helped her escape. She skipped her classes in order to join them at the tattoo parlour later that afternoon.

                Bess gripped Garth's hand tightly as the warding was applied to her leg. While his hand was crushed, Garth's eyes screamed silently as his own tattoo was executed. If Sam had to guess, he thought Bess was handling the ordeal better. Kate was sitting next to Sam waiting for her turn, while Dean leaned against the window for lack of chairs. Cas stood near him clumsily.

                Sam tried to judge Kate's receptiveness. "So you're going to school huh?"

                "Yeah." Kate leaned on her knees, and put her hand in her hair. Resting her forehead on her palm, her hair poked out from between her fingers in all directions.

                "What are you studying?" Sam pressed.

                "Biology." She said without looking up.

                "The strongest male in a school of clownfish will become female, if the dominate female dies." Cas offered awkwardly. Everyone looked at him silently. "They have limited opportunity to mate, because they don't leave their sea anemones." He finished matter-of-fact. Kate looked at Sam and raised an eyebrow. Sam stifled a laugh.

                "You know you won't be able to stay here." Dean told her, ignoring Cas' outburst.

                "Yeah, it's okay." She sat up straight and looked at Dean. "I wasn't really enjoying it anyway."

                "Maybe you can start again at a new school." Sam suggested.

                "After trying to deal with what happened, I think I wanted to just try to go back to how things were. Pretend I could have a normal life." Kate replied. "But, I don't think a normal life is going to be in the cards for me." She could see on Sam and Dean's faces that they understood all too well.

                "Have you talked to Garth and Bess about staying with them?" Sam sat back in his chair.

                Kate looked over to them. Bess was smiling at a pain stricken Garth. They were still holding hands. Bess' other hand was draped protectively over her pregnant belly. "That's not really my scene." She said, looking back to Sam. "I'll be fine on my own. I'll get out of Indiana after this."

                "Let me give you a number to reach us." Sam replied. "If you need anything, you just call."

                "Fine." She replied rather curtly. She took her phone out and made a new contact for Sam, typing in the number he recited. As she put her phone away, Garth and Bess came over. Sam vacated his seat so Bess could sit down. The artist called Kate over and Garth took her chair.

                "Well, I don't think I'll be doing that again anytime soon." Garth looked exhausted. Bess reached over and rubbed his leg, smiling.

                "Shouldn't have to." Dean reassured. "Once Kate's done, we'll go back so you can get your stuff. Then tonight, we'll go ahead with the plan and summon Nathaniel, while you all skip town."

                "What about the other Angels?" Garth put his hand over Bess'.

                Cas quickly stepped into the conversation. "Nathaniel will be working alone. He's the Archangel of that Garrison. The other Angels are working pairs, in assigned areas. They won't deviate course."

                "And you're sure ya'll be alright?" Garth didn't look any less concerned.

                "Don't worry about us." Sam said calmly.

                "We do this all the time." Dean added, winking.

***

                That night Garth packed up the car with everything they could fit in it, determined that hopefully, this would be the last time they needed to move for a while. Hugs were passed out all around before they got in to leave. Sam insisted they call when the baby is born and tell them where they could come to visit. After thanking Garth and Bess' for their hospitality and the boys for their help, Kate left on foot. She said she would return to her previous housing, pack a bag and leave quickly. Sam tried to convince her to let him escort her to get her things, but she was insistent she could manage. He settled for a phone call letting them know when she was safely out of town. Inside the rotting old multistorey, the boys set up everything to summon Nathaniel. They had to be quick, before he could even sense which direction any of them had gone. It helped that Kate had gone the opposite of Garth and Bess. The floor was coated with rings of holy oil which were starting to give off fumes. The three of them took up position in a circle around a makeshift altar. Sam and Cas, backs to Dean, were armed with match books. Dean pulled out his Zippo and lit the ingredients in the bowl, as he recited the summoning spell flawlessly. He turned quickly, ready to set fire to his rings of oil.

                "Isn't this cute." Nathaniel gloated as he appeared near Sam. Instantaneously, they all acted at once. Sam had lit his pack as Dean spoke, and readily tossed it onto the holy oil surrounding Nathaniel. Dean and Cas quickly turned to face the location of the voice. Flames reached for the ceiling all around Nathaniel. His red hair and light complexion somehow naturally gave off a sense of malevolence in the light from the fire as he crowed with laughter. Sam fought to push away memories of Lucifer. When he finally stopped laughing, he continued. "If you mean to kill me, you're going to have to come in here."

                "We just need to keep you busy awhile dick bag." Dean retorted. "But it does sound like a tempting offer."

                "Or we could just throw this Angel blade in there with you." Sam chided, lifting the blade so it was visible. Light from the flames flashed off the metallic surface and bounced around the room.

                Castiel put his arm up to stop Sam. "No." Sam and Dean looked at him, surprised. "He needs to answer some questions first."

                "As if I would answer anything for you _Castiel_." Nathaniel spit his name like a curse word. "You all know this won't hold me long." The flames surrounding him had already started to shrink.

                "It wasn't in the plan to interrogate him Cas." Dean said sternly.

                Cas opened his mouth to speak, but Sam cut him off. "You heard him Cas." Sam said calmly as the flames lowered a little more. "He's not going to tell us anything without a fight."

                "We gotta go Cas." Dean tugged the sleeve of his trench coat as he backed away. Cas tried to stand his ground. "Cas..." He looked back at Dean, his green eyes were pleading now, "We'll find another Angel. Come on."

                Reluctantly, Cas turned and followed Dean out of the house. The image of Nathaniel cackling in the flames etched into his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> I adore Garth, and I was surprised at how hard it was to write him. I now realise it was likely because he has a continuously upbeat and optimistic personality, which I don't posses. His introduction here is very very different from how I wrote it originally.
> 
> Yup Bess is pregnant, because why wouldn't she be? Their relationship totally gave me the settle down with a family vibe.
> 
> I also really liked Kate and would love to see her again in Season 12 for more character development. Having her run into Garth and Bess is definitely something I'd be happy to see on the show!
> 
> I really love writing the little subtle interactions between Dean and Cas and their own thoughts. Cas' efforts to touch Dean, Dean's pretend dismissal etc. His surprise with himself when he reacts to Cas and the fact that he is still kinda pissed about what happened... etc, etc. I think this is extra slow burn, haha! Am I torturing you yet?
> 
> I also really enjoy writing Cas' little social idiosyncrasies. I can't recall a time he's ever shook someone's hand, so I imagine the first time would be, unusual for him. I am a little worried about his random fish comment in this chapter though. xD
> 
> It was difficult to write Kate. Having only two episodes and last we saw her, being pissed at the boys. Oh man did I feel a bit boxed in!
> 
> I was really going for a dark, moody and angsty feel on that last scene with Nathaniel. I hope it came across! He's obviously gonna be a problem...
> 
> Cas saying, "But..!" at the end felt a little petulant, so I changed it.


	11. AWAKE MY SOUL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew return to the bunker after ensuring the others are safe. Dean puts his foot down and the situation between him and Cas escalates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3

            It took just over seven hours to get back to the bunker. Cas and Sam spent most of it staring out their windows. Dean acted relaxed, occasionally drumming on the steering wheel along to the Rolling Stones. However, Cas knew otherwise and could feel his eyes looking back at him in the review mirror every once and a while. At one point Sam's phone rang and he spoke to Kate, who was calling to confirm she made it safely out of town as agreed. Afterward, Sam tried to make casual conversation, but when it failed he got some rest instead. Dean must have driven all night, because the next thing Cas knew, Sam was waking him up to have breakfast somewhere in Missouri. Again, conversation was stagnant. Cas could feel that there was some unresolved tension between him and Dean. Sam didn't even bring in the laptop, he just attempted to lighten the mood. Dean wouldn't break though and before Cas knew it, they were back on the road. Dean changed the music to a mix tape of his own design and turned up the volume the rest of the way back. Sam resumed looking out his window and Cas followed suit, forehead to the glass, watching the fields fly by.

                 It wasn't even noon yet, when they returned to the bunker. As usual, Sam opened the trunk and grabbed out the supply bags. Cas had his bag on the seat next to him and put it over his shoulder. He yawned sleepily as he got out of the car and took a moment to stretch. Feeling uneasy, he looked back as he arrived at the door to the bunker. Dean had shut the driver door and Cas saw him lick his thumb, then rub at a spot in the paint. Sam had already gone inside and Cas wondered if Dean was dawdling. He was about to call out to him when Dean spoke.

                "You need to tell me Cas." Dean moved around the car and approached. "You need to tell me if you remember." His face was dead serious.

                "Dean..." Cas stooped and looked away.

                "Nope. Not again Cas." Dean was inches from him now. "You're going to tell me."

                Cas turned to go inside. He couldn't do this now. All that build up during the drive back and he was tired. _Why did it have to be now?_

Dean grabbed his shoulder and turned him back. "I know you remember what happened!" His shout echoed through the garage.

                Suddenly, pain shot through Cas' eyes. He dropped his bag and grabbed his head. Dean's hand felt red hot on his shoulder. Images of a deep forest full of the tallest trees he could imagine, flashed through his mind. Monsters of all types were assaulting him from every direction. He was running, always running. Then, he was squatting cautiously on the bank of a stream when Dean came up behind him. _No! Dean no, you have to stay away!_ He yelled at the vision of himself over and over in his mind, but it was no use. Dean approached anyway and embraced him. It was the best feeling in the world. The trees, the monsters, the eerie stillness of the place all melted away... but someone else was there. _Benny._ The forest surrounded him again. _How long had he been with Dean?_ Then, suddenly they were arguing. _Leave me Dean!_ The voice of his mind shouted at the scene, to no avail. Dean's voice came to him. _Cas... I need you._ Pain welled up in his chest. _I'm not leaving here without you._ His heart shattered all over again. Scenes of their journey to the portal out, flicked through his mind in succession. Fighting side-by-side with Dean and the vampire, Benny. Then, like a slow motion flip book, that fateful moment when he pushed Dean's hand away at the portal settled over him. He saw the look on Dean's face all over again. The portal zipped closed on the figure of Dean in his mind and everything went black.

                "Cas?" Dean was taken over by fear now. He didn't want him to black out again. _Is this my fault?_ "Cas?" The desperation in Dean's voice was heavy. He shook Cas by the shoulders. "Cas!" Luckily, after a few moments, Cas started to recover.

                Cas pulled free of Dean's grip. "Dean just leave me be!" He bent, grabbed the bag and rushed into the bunker.

                "Cas!" Dean's voice was lost behind him. Cas rushed past Sam in the entry and made a beeline for room seventeen. Dean followed just after.

                "Dean?" Sam looked baffled. He hadn't heard Dean's shout in the garage. "What's going on?" Sam glanced in the direction Cas had gone.

                "I.. He." Dean stammered. "I think he had another one of those flashbacks."

                "What did he say?" Sam's brow furrowed.

                "Nothing." Dean sighed as if he'd been holding his breath. "Nothing. It could have been anything."

                Sam clapped Dean on the shoulder as he went past him and toward the kitchen. "Give him some time Dean. It must be a lot for him to take in."

                All Dean could manage was a grunt in response.

***

                Cas didn't come out from his room for lunch. Dean had made him a sandwich anyway and tried knocking on his door, but Cas wouldn't respond. When Cas got to his room that morning, he ripped off his coat and tie, then threw himself at the bed. He hadn't moved much since. He thought about the memories that returned in the garage. He thought about how to tell Dean everything. He knew he would have to eventually. He must have slept for some of the afternoon, but he wasn't sure how long. He spent some of the time simply crying quietly, just trying to work out what was happening to him. Asking himself, what were all these things he was feeling. Every time Dean knocked on the door, it jolted him and he went as silent as he could. Sometime between lunch and dinner, Dean gave up and sent Sam instead.

                "Cas?" Sam called into the wood of the door. No reply. "I'm gonna come in okay? I've got some food." Silence. Sam cracked the door open. Cas was lying on his side, curled up on the bed, still in his suit. His trench coat and tie were hanging off the chair at the desk.

                Cas' muffled voice drifted over to Sam. "Do you ever feel like you just keep making mistakes Sam?"

                Sam considered for a moment and tried not to laugh at the sheer irony. He knew Cas still didn't remember everything they'd been through together. "Yeah, sometimes Cas." He put the plate on the desk, then picked up Cas' coat and tie and hung them on the back of the door.

                "Why is this?" Cas sounded as though he was asking himself. "Why does it keep happening?"

                Sam straddled the chair at the desk. "If we don't make mistakes, we'd never learn anything." He folded his arms on the top of the chair back and leaned on them. The chair's front legs lifted up from the ground a little.

                Cas still didn't move. "What if maybe, we aren't learning?"

                "You must be, if you are aware of the issue Cas." Cas seemed to consider this silently, so Sam continued, "Sometimes, we need to ask for help."

                "I can't-"

                Sam sat up straight and the feet of the chair clattered on the floor as he cut him off. "You're my brother Cas. You can always come to me for help." Sam's voice was stern. Cas sniffled into his pillow. Softening, Sam added, "But I'm not going to pick sides with you and Dean. You need to work that out with him."

                Cas continued to talk into his pillow. "I will talk to him. When I can." Sam could tell he meant it.

                "You've been through a lot." Sam said, rising from the chair. "I'm sorry Deans not very patient." When Cas showed no response, Sam exited the room.

***

                That night, after Sam had retired to his room, Cas came out and crept down the hallway. He had no shoes on and his socks brushed lightly against the floor. Dean didn't hear him enter the common room. Dean was sitting at one of the huge wooden tables reading something from the Men Of Letter's library. It was dark, save for the metal table lamp. Cas noticed the shade on the lamp was slightly bent and it caused the light to splay across the table at an angle. Probably not the most ideal one to choose. Dean's flannel from earlier was draped across the back of the chair and Cas could see the rise and fall of Dean's chest as he breathed, through the shifting fabric of his T-shirt. He took a moment to appreciate the smell of hops coming from the many discarded beer bottles littering the table. The sound of the pages rustling in the book as Dean turned them. The way the skewed light splashed against Dean's handsome face and reflected in his verdant eyes. When Cas finally spoke, it felt like his voice boomed and reverberated around the room as if it didn't belong there.

                "Hello Dean."

                Dean rose his head up from his text, looking amazed. Cas stood across the room, faintly lit by the lamp light. He had on only his white dress shirt, sleeves rolled up, top buttons undone and his typical well fitted navy trousers. As Cas fidgeted from nerves, Dean thought he saw a hint of the muscles flexing under the flawless skin of Cas' forearms. Cas' toes wiggled against the floor in his black socks. Dean looked him up and down, taking in the slight curve at his waist and the slope of his chest as it broadened to his shoulders. His hair looked like he'd just woken up, a messy array of little spikes pointed in all directions. Dean loved when it was that way. The blue of his eyes shone like a beacon, even in the dimmest of light.

                "Cas."

                Cas walked over to the table and Dean closed the book. He sat across from Dean and they stared at each other in silence for a moment. Dean was flawless in his ability to hide what he truly felt. He was terrified of what came next, but he calmly looked at Cas in the tense silence. He couldn't keep his gaze on Cas' cerulean eyes without getting trapped, so he looked down at his lips. He enjoyed how perfectly symmetrical they seemed, but how they were flawed with cracks at the same time. There was so much depth in those lips, he almost let his mind wander.

                Cas watched Dean's eyes flick around his face. It felt very familiar. Dean's eyes were soft as they looked at him. It was calming and Cas wondered why he lacked that usual awkward feeling he'd experienced when this happened before. He felt like maybe they could stay this way forever. Perhaps he'd just count the freckles on Dean's face. It felt like a long time passed before Cas blinked again and he wasn't sure if he remembered to breathe. When he finally spoke, his low gravelly tone sounded like thunder in the still room.

                "I remember."

                Dean shifted slightly in his seat, but remained silent.

                "I'm sorry Dean." Castiel's nervous eyes searched Dean's face for signs of a reaction. When nothing happened, he continued. "I couldn't tell you... why."

                "Care to give it a try now Cas?" Dean replied gruffly.

                "Yes." The word came out a little more eagerly than Cas meant for it to. He started again. "Yes, it was... " Cas didn't usually stumble over words. "When Heaven was reorganized..." Dean cleared his throat. Cas quickly looked away and then back again. "I didn't have an assignment Dean."

                "Then what the hell were you doing?" Dean's voice was more forceful than intended and he immediately softened his face after speaking.

                "It was... the only way I could be with you." _There I finally said it._ For an instant, shock coloured Dean's face, just long enough that Cas saw it.

                "Cas-" Dean started.

                "Wait Dean. You can't possibly understand." Now that the hard part was over, everything tumbled out of Cas. "Heaven did not intend for me to return to Earth. I was not assigned in my Garrison. If it wasn't for Zadkiel, I may not have ever seen you again."

                "Zadkiel?" Dean looked confused, Cas had never mentioned this Angel. Dean wondered why would he do them any favours.

                "Yes. Zadkiel is the most benevolent Angel. He is the Archangel of that Garrison now. I had a feeling Father made it so on purpose.'' Cas sighed, anticipating Dean's textbook angry reaction, but it didn't come.

                "Why didn't just you tell us? You're part of this family Cas." Dean leaned forward, but not out of anger, out of concern. "We would have found a way."

                Cas didn't try to hide his reaction to Dean's words. His lips parted slightly as he exhaled and his eyes glistened with tears.  "There was no way Dean. Believe me I would have known if there had been one. When everything escalated..." Cas looked down at the table. "I finally returned to Heaven and did my service as I was commanded."

                "I prayed to you Cas."

                "I know."

                "You know?" Dean's voice cracked.

                "It wasn't easy for me either Dean!" Cas astonished himself with the shout. Both went silent for a minute to ensure Sam hadn't noticed. Overcompensating, Cas' next words came out barely above a whisper. "Believe me, I desperately wanted to return."

                Dean composed himself, slowly rebuilding his facade. He excused himself to get more beer from the kitchen. Cas rubbed his eyes and then ran his fingers over the wood grain in the table top. Scenes from earlier that day played through his mind again. He would have to tell Dean that he knew about Purgatory too.

                When Dean returned moments later, Cas explained what happened in the garage the moment Dean touched him. In response, Dean cracked a beer open for each of them and sat down again. They stayed up together, late into the night, drinking beer and talking in the common room of the bunker. As they discussed Purgatory, Cas could tell that Dean still missed Benny to this day and surprised himself when he felt the pangs of jealousy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> I actually started writing an entirely different chapter when I realised that, what became the content of this chapter, could not be skimmed over in a paragraph and required it's own chapter for character development.
> 
> I think Dean totally has a breaking point and he's reached it here. He's going to get what he wants.
> 
> I needed him to touch Cas to bring back the Purgatory memories. This was planned from the time Sam touched him and he remembered the occult. I thought the context of the Purgatory memories would work well with the required conversation regarding the fight between Cas and Dean.
> 
> I took a risk I think, saying Cas was crying. However, with everything he knew about Dean and everything he had just remembered, I think he would be very overwhelmed.
> 
> I like developing Sam's relationship with Cas as a confidant. I reckon they would probably be closer like this in canon, if Jared didn't pick on Misha during their scenes so much, haha. I can't imagine who else Cas would be comfortable enough with to share these things.
> 
> I love making Sam straddle chairs backward. It's a Jared mannerism I know, but I imagine Sam would do it too. I reckon it has something to do with his size. xD
> 
> I just wanted Cas to not wear shoes, 'cause I think that's adorable. ^^; Then, his socks worked out to this descriptive scene that ran through my mind while watching my "home movie" of what I was writing, in my head. I'm very happy it happened and I hope you are too!
> 
> I wanted the dialogue to reflect Dean and Cas fighting to *not* go through the usual motions. To show they are putting in the effort. Dean bites back on his usual impatience and temper. Cas tries to say exactly what he means. The walls come down a little.
> 
> [ Awake My Soul](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzM69btqtYI)


	12. HOT BLOOD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things settle down at the bunker and Sam gets the call to visit Garth and Bess. He finds a case to take on in Wyoming on the way there, where the boys run into trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3
> 
> *THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS MILD IMPLIED NON-CON*

                A few weeks passed and Autumn started to settle in over Kansas. The first week of October, Sam got a call from Garth with an invite for them to visit. When he hung up, he told Dean and Cas that Garth and Bess were living in Montana, off the grid and they'd had a baby boy. The trio made plans to visit them the following week. Kate had also begun phoning Sam a bit more regularly to check in with him. He never brought up the increase in frequency, he was just glad to know she was well. She'd settled down in Texas this time and was staying out of limelight. He was disappointed to hear she did not re-enrol in school, but accepted her decision.  

                The group took on a few cases over the weeks as well. They travelled as far as necessary, but the furthest from the bunker they'd gone so far was Alabama, when they were dealing with a wraith the week before. The visit to Garth and Bess was well timed actually, as they were a bit beaten up after cleaning out a vamp nest in Illinois only a few days before. The rest would do them all good. Sam kept his eyes on the news reports for the areas they'd be passing through anyway, in case there were any local cases they could take on while they were there. He'd made Garth agree that he would call and report any cases for them to pick up too, since Garth decided to return to retirement and raise his son.

                The tension between Cas and Dean disappeared after they talked all those nights ago and life around the bunker was pretty typical. No major events had returned to Cas, so he didn't mention that he had been getting little bits and pieces of memories every once in a while. These smaller sections of memory didn't cause him the pain or blackouts like the previous times, so neither Sam nor Dean noticed. Some nights, they'd all get together and watch Netflix in Sam or Cas' room. Occasionally, Sam wouldn't join them and Dean would watch with Cas by himself. The first night it happened, Dean was a little apprehensive and it made the evening a bit awkward. However, as it continued to occur, he found himself more and more comfortable alone with Cas.

                Tonight was one of those nights alone. Cas told Dean he wanted to binge watch season two of Stranger Things. They never had a lot of time to watch television, but Cas had binge watched season one not long ago and was dying to know what happened next. Dean had made a couple of grilled cheese sandwiches and some popcorn for the occasion. He entered the room, skilfully balancing the plates on his arm, with the bowl of popcorn in one hand. He pushed the door shut with his foot and Cas took the bowl from him, setting it aside as Dean handed him his plated sandwich.

                At first, when Sam stopped joining them, Dean would sit on the wooden chair at the desk in Cas' room. The last few times however, he'd somehow ended up on the bed, sharing the space with Cas. This time was no different, and without thinking about it, he casually plopped down on the mattress. Cas smiled at him and took a bite from his sandwich.

                "Mmm. It's good Dean." he mumbled around the bread and cheese.

                Dean felt his face flush a little. "Thanks." 

                Cas grabbed the remote and queued the show up to start as Dean tucked into his sandwich. He flinched a little as he took the bite, forgetting the slash on his cheek he'd received as they culled the vamp nest. As a reward for his hesitation, a tomato slice plopped onto his plate. Cas stifled a laugh as he grabbed it off Dean's plate and popped it into his mouth.

                "Hey! If you wanted tomato, you should have said so!" Dean cried crossly.

                Cas gave Dean a sheepish look. "I just don't like how they taste _with_ the cheese."

                It worked and Dean smiled, unable to continue his feigned upset. Cas shoved the rest of his sandwich into his mouth and leaned off the bed to grab the bowl of popcorn. Dean quickly cornered off the thought of grabbing Cas' ass as he watched him reach. The starting credits began, causing Cas to turn back too quickly and he spilled popcorn between them onto the bed. Dean went to grab the kernels just as Cas did, causing their hands crashed into each other. Dean just looked at him, embarrassed, halfway through lifting the kernels to his mouth. Playfully, Cas leaned in and sucked the popcorn out of his open palm. Cas smiled at him after, satisfied, and turned his head to the television. Dean was dumbfounded, but when the initial shock wore off moments later, he returned to his sandwich and joined Cas in watching the show, all the while carefully peeking at him in his peripheral vision.

***

                The next morning at breakfast, Sam noticed some change in Cas and Dean. Cas was stuffing his mouth with bacon and Sam could have sworn he saw Dean smile about it with a certain, renewed fondness. He had his back to Sam as he poured himself another cup of coffee, but Sam felt sure he may have even been shaking with stifled laughter. Sam couldn't quite put his finger on the difference from before though, so he didn't mention it. Instead he opened up his laptop and pulled up an article he'd been reading the previous night.

                "Last night I found something I think we should check out on our way today." Sam announced. "There may be a case in Wyoming."

                "You know I prefer to take the ninety north through South Dakota..." Dean whined as he turned back to the table.

                "Dean, it actually takes less time if we turn off east on the eighty, then north on the twenty-five." Sam argued.

                Dean sat back down and placed a mug of coffee on the table for Cas. Cas smiled at him in thanks. "Not when I'm driving." Dean flashed a toothy grin, then took a drink from his own mug as he sat down.

                Sam rolled his eyes. "Anyway. Casper, Wyoming. Looks like there might be a Djinn there."

                Cas picked up his coffee and took a sip. "What makes you think it's a Djinn?"

                "Well." Sam cleared his throat. "People have been going missing, but apparently, one of them escaped. The police that interviewed her described her as fanatical. She was adamant that she had been trapped in a dreamland."

                "How did she escape?" Dean smothered his toast in egg yolk and took a huge bite.

                "Uhh..." Sam looked down at the laptop screen and scanned the article. "Doesn't say. The cops went to the building where she said she was being held, but there was nothing there."

                "Huh. So we don't even know if the Djinn, if that's what it is, will still even be there." Dean mused.

                "We have to check Dean." Sam asserted.

                "Alright." As Dean agreed, Cas gave Sam a reassuring look.

                The trio packed up their bags after breakfast and loaded up the trunk of the Impala. It was just over an eleven hour drive to Casper, so they knew they'd arrive late. Sam didn't mind, he thought it would be good to have a break in the drive to Montana anyway. Dean dismissed his comments and got into the car. Cas hopped into the back behind Sam and caught Dean's eye in the rear-view as he settled in for the trip. After they pulled out of the bunker garage, Sam phoned Garth to explain they would be a day or two later than discussed. Garth agreed that was fine and asked Sam to let him know if he needed any help. Dean stopped off the highway for a quick lunch at Lincoln, then dinner in Sidney, Nebraska. Each time they stopped, he changed the music, and as they pulled into a motel in Casper, he was singing along to Lynyrd Skynyrd. They agreed to visit the girl who escaped, Sarah Gardner, in the morning and booked a room for the three of them. Cas ended up on a roll out cot for the night.

***

                In the morning, Dean went to a nearby coffee shop and bought them each a drink and breakfast sandwich. Leaving the food and drinks on the table, he kicked the leg of Cas' cot on his way to the bathroom.

                "Come on, get up." Dean grumbled. "Let's get on the road!"

                "Not everyone runs on four hours of sleep like you Dean." Sam retorted on Cas' behalf as he buttoned his white dress shirt.

                Cas let out a moan as he shifted in the bed, but the kick loosened the joint just enough, that the corner of the bed collapsed as he moved. He shot awake at the impact of it. Upon hearing the crash, Dean laughed from the bathroom as he unzipped his pants to take a leak. Sam stifled his own laugher as he went to help Cas up, offering his hand to Cas. The pair gripped each other's wrists and in one swoop he was standing. When Dean came out of the bathroom he was momentarily stunned by Cas standing there in nothing but his white boxers.

                Dean cleared his throat. "Right. Get dressed."

                Sam gave Cas a knowing smile as he headed to the bathroom.

                They arrived at Sarah's listed address not even thirty minutes later. Sam and Dean got their guns from the trunk and holstered them. Cas kept quiet as he fidgeted with his fake badge in his pocket, knowing Dean wouldn't let him carry one. As usual, he was going to be the 'trainee agent'. Cas sighed as they walked up to the house. A petite blond woman answered the door.

                "Hi, are you Sarah Gardner?" Dean smiled politely.

                "Yes?" Sarah's voice shook as she replied.

                "I'm Agent Wayne and this is Agents Grayson and Gordon. We've been assigned to take on your case." Dean said gesturing to Sam and Cas.

                The trio flashed her their badges in unison. Dean side-eyed Cas to ensure his badge was not upside down, yet again. He felt proud when he saw that it wasn't. Sarah stared at them in disbelief, but then she excitedly offered them to come in and have a drink. Sam and Dean had a seat on her couch, Cas sat near Dean in an armchair. Dean worked on his second coffee of the morning as Cas sipped tea.

                "You know." Sarah said as she poured Sam a coffee as well, "I didn't think the police believed me. It's so nice to know they are taking this seriously."

                "Yeah." Dean replied. "Very seriously." As Sarah put the coffee pot away, Sam jabbed him with an elbow for the sarcastic edge in his voice.

                "So," Sam started as Sarah sat down across from the trio, "how long were you trapped in that warehouse?"

                "In the dream it felt like I was there for years." Her gray-blue eyes were bright and wide. "I was told I was only gone five days."

                "Was there anyone else there?" Dean inquired.

                "No. I was alone." Sarah grabbed her arms and pressed them to her chest, rubbing her right bicep.

                Astonished at the sound of Cas' voice, Sam and Dean looked over at him. "So, how did you escape?" Dean gave Sam a look that said he was impressed.

                "Well... Agent Gordon was it?" Sarah began, " I don't know. I just woke up." She paused and looked at the floor. Sam sat his cup on the table and reached over to rub her hand. "I- I was tied to a chair... it took ages to get free and then I just ran.  I never saw anyone else."

                "It's okay Sarah." Sam rubbed her should this time instead. "Thank you."

                "We're gonna go take a look at the warehouse, see if we can find any new clues." Dean added as he stood up. Cas followed suit. Sam thanked Sarah again for her time and the trio headed back to the Impala.

***

                The boys arrived at the warehouse just before lunchtime. The Impala's tyres crunching softly against the gravel outside as Dean drove once around the perimeter. There were desolate trucks littering the lot and countless deteriorating pallets and boxes scattered everywhere. When they pulled back around to where they arrived, Dean cut the engine and they hopped out of the car. They approached the warehouse cautiously. One of the large roller doors for deliveries was open and they entered through there. The light coming through the roller door and several broken windows was all that penetrated the deserted place. It bounced off discarded metal laying around the open space.

                They all faced in different directions as they scoped out the location. It was very quiet and no one seemed to have been there in a long time. They came upon the chair Sarah had escaped, on its side, in the back corner of the room.

                Dean kicked at the chair with his boot. "There's nothing here..."

                As if Dean's words were a signal, suddenly two figures appeared across the room from them. "Try again." The voice echoed through the chamber. The trio swiftly turned around, faced with the fiery height of Nathaniel.

                "Nathaniel!" Cas cursed. Sam held him back from foolishly running right at the Archangel.

                Instead, Nathaniel approached them methodically, Hadraniel tagging along in his shadow, behind him.

                "What are you doing here?" Sam asked, his voice grim as he released Cas.

                "She woke up, because _you_ killed the Djinn!" Dean exclaimed as he realised. Sam and Cas looked at him, surprised by his outburst.

                "Of course." Nathaniel sneered. "Unlike you, I get the job done."

                "You aren't even supposed to be here." Cas growled back. "You are supposed to assign Hadraniel a new partner." In unison, as if Dean could feel Cas' aura, they stepped forward as a challenge to Nathaniel. Sam looked to Hadraniel. Her eyes cried out him and she had the look of prisoner. She was definitely not there of her own volition.

                "Hah!" Nathaniel laughed mockingly at Cas. "As if you are one to follow any rules!"

                Dean looked over to Cas knowingly. Cas looked affronted and was at a loss for words. In one swift motion, Dean drew his Angel blade and lunged for Nathaniel. Sam took huge strides after him in an attempt to stop him. Nathaniel was too quick for him though, and reappeared just behind Castiel, as Sam and Dean stumbled into the now empty space where he'd stood.

                "Aww, did I hit your trigger switch?" Nathaniel teased as he grabbed Castiel's shoulder, securing him in place. Cas saw the fear rise up in Dean's eyes as he stared at them. Nathaniel leaned his face in close to Castiel's and Cas could feel his breath on his neck. A tremor ran through Cas as he felt Nathaniel run his fingers through his hair just above his ear. Every fibre of him desperately wanted to lunge away in revulsion. Forced to hold still, he watched as the fear in Dean's eyes turned to disgust and anger. Ashamed, Cas looked down at the cold dirty concrete.

                "Let him go!" Dean roared as he lunged again. A gust of air smacked him in the face, as he landed in the freshly empty space. The sound of wings flapping reverberated through the vacant warehouse. Nathaniel, Hadraniel and Castiel were gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> I wanted to be sure to show that more time is passing than it may seem and nothing passes time quite like babies. xD
> 
> I was nervous about the development of Cas/Dean here... it's important and must occur, but I don't want to go *too* far out of character for them, yet still show what it may be like should their love be requited. It's a very fine line I'm finding. I was trying for, adorable, but not too corny? xD Omc that pun was an accident. 
> 
> If you haven't figured out by now that Sam already knows what's up between Cas and Dean (and ships it), hey, Sam knows... and ships it. xD I just wanted to reiterate his point of view.
> 
> I feel good about the breakfast dialogue. I hope I'm right. >.>
> 
> As usual, locations, drive times etc are all fact checked.
> 
> Poor Cas and his roll out cot, I feel like I was a bit mean to him this chapter. =(
> 
> Our last FBI names were a take on Marvel characters, so this time I thought, why not DC? xD
> 
> Again, Cas... why is he batgirl? The world may never know...
> 
> Cas has tea at Sarah's house as a nod to Misha's preference for it.
> 
> Seeing Nathaniel touch Cas like that, helpless in front of Dean in my minds eye made *me* feel icky... so I apologise dear reader, but it was a necessary evil.


	13. BRUISES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel is confronted by Nathaniel. Dean loses his shit for a bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3
> 
> *THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND TALK ABOUT SUICIDE*

                Where ever Cas ended up next, he knew he wasn't even in North America anymore. He was surrounded by dense forest and the night was pitch black. The only light present, was that of the moon. There was no point in trying to run, Nathaniel could have taken him anywhere and he had no means to get back to Sam and Dean. A short distance from him, he could see Nathaniel intimidating Hadraniel. She cowered and then disappeared. Nathaniel turned his attention to Cas.

                "So. _Brother_." Sarcasm dripped off Nathaniel's tongue. "Let's have a little chat, shall we?" Nathaniel stepped up to Castiel, until he was forced to take a step back. Cas let out a small grunt as he landed in a seated position on a stump he wasn't aware was behind him.

                Castiel tried to gather his wits about him. "That's an excellent idea. I have questions of my own." The blue of Cas' eyes glowed in the moonlight as he glared up at Nathaniel.

                "Ooo, this should be fun!" Nathaniel smirked as he drew his Angel blade and circled Cas on the stump.

                "What are-" Cas was cut short as Nathaniel jabbed the tip of the Angel blade into his throat.

                "I'll do the talking _Castiel_." Nathaniel's eyes were wild. "We're going to make you pay in spades for what you did."

                "What I-" his words cut off again as the blade dug deeper.

                "I am not the only one who's suffered your choices." Nathaniel loosened up on the blade as he continued. "There are still those who believe Father has not given you the punishment you deserve. We are sick of his favouritism! You deserve no better than Lucifer!"

                Tears welled up in Castiel's eyes. " I don't know what you're tal-" Nathaniel lowered the blade and gripped Castiel by the throat with his free hand, almost crushing his trachea.

                "Don't know?!" Nathaniel screamed, spittle hitting Cas' face. "Oh _little brother_... don't you remember?" his voice was silken and nefarious. "Here, let me help you." Nathaniel released Cas' throat and pressed his palm to his forehead instead.

                Castiel was instantly blinded. Searing pain shot through his eyes and head. In his mind's eye, he was alone, painting on a wall with a jar of blood, in the light of the moon. He stepped back, chanting to himself. The ground began shaking and the wall cracked. Bright light came from the hole that formed and a million shadows erupted from the centre, smashing into Castiel like a freight train. As he absorbed each one he could feel the immense power rising within himself. It was overwhelming, sending him almost directly into a state of madness. As the wind from the blast died down, pieces of the concrete wall which had been hovering, dropped to the dirt around him. Somehow, he was able to hold his ground. A grin spread across his face and he laughed uncontrollably. Then everything went black again.

                Cas thought he was opening his eyes, free of Nathaniel, back with Sam and Dean. He had trouble deciding where and when he was and what was real anymore. As his vision came into focus, he could see thousands of bodies scattered in a field. Enormous wings scorched the ground and other bodies all around him. He wanted to scream, but as if he was dreaming, he just stood there cold and empty. Justified. He watched, horrified, as he saw himself killing hundreds upon hundreds of humans in the name of Heaven as well. He thought he would be sick, as flashes of Dean passed in front of his eyes, scenes of subversion, humiliation. Castiel's inner dialogue had begun begging for it to stop. He was beyond hurt, he was disgraced, damaged. He remembered talking to Dean about how he'd feared he'd kill himself. He wanted to die now, anything to make it stop.

                Then, he snapped out of it. Nathaniel was raving like a lunatic, pacing in front of him and the damp tree stump which he was still sitting upon.

                 "You killed thousands of Angels in Heaven! Then, you brought The Fall upon us!" Nathaniel roared. "I will ensure you see your newfound humanity as the curse it truly is!" Malice seemed to seep from Nathaniel's pores.

                Nathaniel's words trailed off as Castiel realised. He had become complacent. He had everything he wanted and he'd forgotten of how much, he was still so blissfully unaware. The last few weeks with Dean suddenly lost their lustre. "Just do it." he mumbled.

                Nathaniel stopped in his tracks. "Do it?" He looked down at Castiel with only a shift of his eyes.

                "Yes." Castiel huffed. "Just kill me."

                "I don't want to kill you Castiel." Nathaniel stowed his Angel blade and leaned on Castiel, hands on Cas' knees. His face was a millimetre from Castiel's. "I want to watch you suffer." Castiel slumped, defeated. Nathaniel pressed off Castiel's knees and stood his full height. "It's irrevocable Castiel. The tiny spark of Grace, I can feel it still in you." Castiel looked up at him, eyes wide at this revelation. "There is nothing you can do. There is nothing anyone can do. You can't stop it. Everything will return to you and you will be broken." Nathaniel leaned close again. "And just when you think it won't get any worse... I will be there and I will take everything that matters from you."

                In a renewed sense of defiance, Castiel was about to lunge for Nathaniel, but just as he left the stump, he found himself instead colliding with loose gravel. The sun was just setting and he was outside the warehouse in Casper, Wyoming.

***

                Dean whipped the Impala carelessly around the corners as he raced back to the motel from the warehouse. He had a death grip on the steering wheel and Sam was holding onto the door, his left hand pressed to the roof of the car.

                "What the hell are we gonna do Sammy?" he snarled through clenched teeth. Sam had no reply as he held on for dear life. "We're never gonna find him!" Dean slammed on the brakes and Sam gripped the Impala's dash as he flew forward. "They could have gone anywhere!" Dean floored it again, tyres screeching. He had gone mad.

                When they made it back to the motel room, Dean had pulled out the laptop and started researching everything he could on Archangels and teleportation. Sam had to keep a level head for both of them. A few hours later, when Garth didn't answer his call, he told Dean he was going to take the Impala and get some food for dinner. Dean didn't even acknowledge him. As he drove to a nearby Biggersons, Sam thought about what had transpired in the warehouse. He worried for Cas' safety, but he felt certain Nathaniel wouldn't kill him. _Why take him, if he planned to kill him?_ It didn't make sense. Sam knew Dean couldn't think about that rationally right now though.

                When he returned with a burger, Dean continued to ignore him and he didn't touch the food. Short of ideas on what else he could do, Sam used the internet on his phone to help Dean research. After night had settled over them, Garth finally called him back. Sam was explaining to Garth what happened at the warehouse and the current state of affairs, when there was a thump against the motel door. The very air of the room went still as Dean looked up. He had the appearance of a deer in headlights, he was so alert. Dean rose from his chair in one swift motion, drawing his .45. Sam told Garth he'd have to call him back, hanging up and dropping the phone on the bed, as Dean cracked the door open. Dean could feel weight against the door, and he pulled it open farther. Cas' body tumbled into the room.

                "Cas?!" Dean's voice was impossibly high. Castiel coughed in response and Dean sat his gun down on the floor and made to lift him up.

                "Dean..." Cas choked. Sam got up to help Dean bring Cas over and they sat him down on the end of Dean's bed. Dean bent down and held Cas by the shoulders as Sam got him a glass of water from the bathroom sink.

                The pent up anxiety in Dean exploded verbally. "Cas, you okay? Where were you? What happened?" Sam handed Cas the glass of water and he gulped it down eagerly.

                Cas sputtered a few times, then replied. "I'm fine. I look worse than I am." Dean's expression of angst didn't change so he added, "Really Dean." Dean grabbed the chair at the nearby table and sat, facing Cas. Sam took a seat on the other bed next to them as Cas continued. "I don't know where he took me, but it wasn't Wyoming."

                "What'd he do? How'd you get back?" Dean was vehement.

                Cas felt the lie slip off his tongue. "He choked me pretty good, my throat is killing me, but otherwise I'm no worse for wear." Cas rubbed his throat and took another drink before continuing. "Then I was back at the warehouse. I walked back here."

                "You walked..." Sam was bemused. _That warehouse was about twenty minutes by car._

                "Yes."

                "Why didn't you just call us?" Dean chided.

                "My phone.. is gone."

                Dean just sighed in response. He gave Cas his bed for the night and took the cot. Cas pushed them, until they agreed to continue on to Garth and Bess' place in the morning. Sam made the call and filled Garth in on the details. Then Cas passed out on Dean's bed still in his suit. Dean managed to wrestle his trench coat, tie and jacket off him beforehand at least. Sam wished Dean goodnight and turned in early as well, shutting off the only light in the room. Dean lay on the cot still clothed, staring at the ceiling in the dark, unable to sleep. His mind ran through all the possible scenarios that could have happened while Nathaniel had Cas. Every one of them was more unsettling then the one before it and he knew he'd have to wait to ask Cas for the details.

***

                The next morning everyone quietly reflected on the previous night during the drive. Creedence played at a reasonable volume as they made their way to Montana, but Dean didn't sing along. When they arrived, Garth and Bess were very welcoming. They were also understanding, when Sam explained they decided they were only going to stay a night or two, after everything that happened. Due to the naturally sunny disposition in the Fitzgerald home, the boys felt warmly received. Garth and Bess had named their son Garth, carrying the tradition into generation five. The trio took turns taking care of the baby and helping out with domestic duties while they were there. The visit proved good for the boys and took their mind off the events of the previous days. Sam could see in the glances between Cas and Dean over dinner though, that they hadn't totally forgotten. The distraction was so welcome however, that they ended up staying both nights and not leaving until after lunch on the third day. As they departed, everyone agreed to a visit again for Christmas.

                They arrived back to the bunker at an ungodly hour of the night. Sam immediately took his leave and went to his room. Dean tapped on Cas' door after he was sure Sam wasn't going to come back out. Cas answered, looking exhausted. The bags under his eyes had grown heavier and he almost appeared to have more wrinkles than Dean remembered. A jolt shot through Dean at the sudden realisation that as a human, Cas' vessel was aging and that in reality, Cas was truly older than him in every way.

                "Sorry Cas, maybe I should-"

                "It's okay Dean, come in." Cas opened the door all the way.

                They sat next to each other on the bed. "You look tired Cas."

                "I am." Cas' voice was flat so as to not deceive his emotions. Now that he knew Grace remained inside him, a bigger picture was coming together. He understood how he recovered so quickly from his scrapes when he fell. Why he could remain unconscious for days after the head injury in Wisconsin without negative consequences. It's effects were not immediate, but the Grace did it's work on him slowly.

                "Really man, I can-" Dean made to get back up, but Cas waved him down.

                "It's fine." Dean couldn't know the Grace would just reverse everything. That he would be alright.

                "Can we talk -" Dean changed course, "I mean, do you want to talk about Nathaniel?" The pair stared at their feet.

                "There's not much to say. He didn't..." Cas glanced at Dean who was already looking at him now. "He just wanted to talk. About Heaven."

                "You expect me to believe that?" Dean retorted.

                "Yes." Cas squeezed his knees. "I need you to trust me Dean."

                Dean eased up a little. "What did he say?"

                Cas sighed in resignation. "He brought back some memories actually." Dean failed at trying to hide his interest, Cas could see it all over his face. "I have done... many things... I've come to find I regret Dean." Cas leaned forward and put his head in hands. "I apologise for deceiving you with Crowley. And there is nothing that can be said to amend for the resulting massacre due to my actions."

                "Cas." Dean put his hand on Cas' shoulder. "Do you remember when we talked at the motel in Oklahoma? When Fred was making everything wacky?" Cas gave a subtle nod. "You told me you were afraid you'd... you'd hurt yourself." Dean felt Cas take a deep breath. " I never told you, you scared me that day. I thought that if someone like you could-" Dean rallied his nerves." If someone like you could feel that way then, what hope was there for me? For humanity?"

                Cas straightened up a bit and Dean's hand slid down and across the muscles of his back. "Dean-"

                Dean cut him off. "Sammy and I, we've fucked up Cas." Dean turned his body toward Cas on the bed and began the gesturing he always did when he got riled up. "We've almost ended the world- how many times, I can't even count anymore!" The volume of Dean's voice increased. "We've been to Hell and back and we've gotten so many people killed..." The wind left Dean's sails and he went quiet.

                Cas knew about the time Dean made a demon deal to save his brother, but hadn't told him he remembered. He had recalled vividly the fight through Hell with his brothers and sisters to retrieve Dean. He had seen himself come upon Dean and watched as he gripped him firmly and whisked him out. It seemed ages ago when he recollected their first meeting in that dilapidated barn. He also remembered their resulting journey afterward, to stop the apocalypse and ultimately, Sam's sacrifice. He couldn't apologise enough for botching Sam's rescue and the resulting agony inflicted in the effort to put Sam's soul back in its rightful place. Now, the holes during that time had been filled and he knew how much worse it really was then. Regardless, he couldn't let Dean give up.

                "Dean, you've _saved_ the world as many times over." They looked at each other. "That's what you do. You save people."

                Dean looked away. "Saving people, hunting things... the family business." he mumbled. "You were there Cas, you've helped us." Dean had looked over at him again. "You chose to help us save people. Maybe, all those saved, can cancel out all those lost."

                Cas looked down. "Maybe Dean..." he replied quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> As I wrote, I was worried that Nathaniel was coming off a bit like Lucifer, but I think Lucifer didn't have as much anger as Nathaniel has, and I want to express that. Lucifer is suave and calculated, Nathaniel is maniacal.
> 
> Cas is back to the state he was in when the events he remembered actually occurred, so don't expect things to improve too quickly...
> 
> Dean is furious and frantic, but instead of drinking himself into a stupor, he's harnessing that energy into action, however erratic. I hope this shows character growth as intended.
> 
> Twenty minutes by car would take almost 3 hours to walk.
> 
> This chapter was supposed to have a whole section with Garth and Bess including dialogue, but I think it worked out like this.
> 
> I really hate finding ways to make Sam "go away" so Dean and Cas can talk...
> 
> This conversation was supposed to be Dean making Cas feel better and improving things, but... that's just not how it would work if you ask me, so here we are.


	14. ALL WE DO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas falls deep into a depression and Sam and Dean are at a loss what to do. When he finally goes on a case again, things take an interesting turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3
> 
> *THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS DESCRIPTIONS OF DEPRESSION, IMPLIED NON-CON AND MILD GORE*

                Over the next few weeks, Sam and Dean continued to go on cases. Life had to go on after all. However, Dean noticed Cas said no to coming along with increasing frequency.  He worried about him constantly while they were gone, once costing Sam a minor injury, for which he would never forgive himself. Every time they returned to the bunker, Dean felt the anxiety well up in the pit of his stomach as they went inside, expecting Cas to be gone or worse... but he never was. Cas was always there, whether reading from the library or watching Netflix in his room. As they entered December, the most time Dean could remember Cas spending with them was just the previous week, when Dean made Thanksgiving Dinner and they all ate together. Dean knew he couldn't let him go on like this, but Cas wouldn't talk to them about what was upsetting him either.

                Sam noticed that Dean continued to have a few more drinks each day as November progressed. To take the edge off, he'd say. Both of them could tell that Cas was depressed. He barely left his room when they were at the bunker and Sam couldn't convince him to come on cases any more than Dean could. He wasn't joining them for many meals and Sam found himself bringing Cas' food to his room much like that night so long ago, when Cas remembered being in Purgatory with Dean. At first, he tried to offer Cas an ear, as he had before and as he always would, but Cas wouldn't have it. So Sam didn't push, he knew Cas would talk to them when he was ready.

                Cas continued to be flooded with memories. Some were actually even pleasant, but most were typical of the lifestyle of a hunter. He now had many vivid memories of his times with Dean, hunting together, talking together... dying together. Cas closed himself off, telling himself he needed time to process. It seemed like since Nathaniel's influence in his mind, he was remembering faster. As if Nathaniel had done something to the Grace, to speed up the process. When he did emerge from his room, every once in a while he would overhear Sam and Dean discussing how despondent he was. He knew he couldn't go on like this either, but he felt devoid of energy. He did the daily mundane things of humans, like bathe, toilet and brush his teeth. When Sam brought food, he ate. When he actually felt hunger, which was rarely, he came to eat. When the boys were gone, he ate only to ensure he survived to see Dean return. Otherwise, he felt he was just floating around the bunker, worth nothing, contributing nothing of value. Nathaniel had said, there was nothing he could do about his future. He was destined to be destroyed, so he figured, why fight it.

***

                It was December fourth when Cas finally agreed to join them on a case again. No one knew why he'd agreed, not even him really, but none of them questioned it either. Sam had gotten a call from another hunter about a case in the Green Mountain National Forest of Vermont. That hunter had a contact who reported a vamp nest nearby, but they were unable to go out that way. The boys were packed up and on their way to Manchester before Cas knew it. It was a very long drive, almost twenty-four hours, and as much as Dean wanted to go the full way without a break, Sam convinced him to stop in Ohio for the night.

                It was cold and rainy when they arrived in Vermont on the evening of December fifth. They ended up squatting in an unused cabin just west of Manchester. On the other side of town were a couple of ski resorts. Snowfall was surprisingly good, so they were bustling with tourists. When Sam researched local news, reports showed people had started disappearing from the slopes. Trouble was, the resort was surrounded by the national park lands and the vamps could be staying anywhere.

                The next morning, Dean drove the Impala carefully on the ice slicked mountain roads as they searched for any signs of where the vamps might be staying. The previous day's rain turned to snow flurries overnight and the water already on the ground had froze. In the areas toward the resorts, most of the cabins were still quite new and given the snowfall, inhabited. They didn't have much luck and stopped for lunch while they were in the area. When they hit the road again after, it seemed like it was already getting dark due to the overcast weather. Then sun set on their search just after four pm.

                Dean pulled the Impala up a dirt drive to yet another cabin to search for signs. As they approached the building, Sam told him he was sure he saw movement in the window. The three of them leapt from the car and Dean quickly popped the trunk. Arming themselves with various blades, they approached the house. As Sam stepped onto the porch, a vamp jumped down from the roof above and landed square on Dean. Dean dropped his blade, but he didn't hesitate. He elbowed the vamp in the face, did a spin and shoved him off his back. As the vamp stumbled backward, Cas lifted his weapon and took its head off with a clean slice through his neck. Liquid crimson splattered the pristine snow around the cabin. Dean had straightened up from retrieving his blade, just in time to witness. He gave Cas a crooked smile of surprised approval and Cas smiled back proudly. It was the first time Dean had seen that smile in weeks.

                Just then, the door to the cabin flew open and two more vamps ran out at Sam in succession. As the first took on Sam, the second came at Dean and while he wanted to take them out, Cas couldn't get a clean shot. The first vamp had somehow dropped Sam and just as Cas was about to intercede, someone slipped from the shadows of the porch and whacked the head right off the vamp. It landed with a soft whoosh in the bank at Cas' feet, blood droplets dotting its travel across the field of snow between them. Dean had finished off his vamp, then turned to face Sam. Upon seeing Sam on the ground, he made to lunge for the woman who had materialised from the porch.

                "Dean, wait!" Cas cried. Dean hesitated and instead turned to look at Cas. "No!" Cas' scream echoed as the woman moved off the porch with impossible speed, toward Dean. Before Dean had time to look back, she landed a strong kick in Dean's side and he went flying into the nearest snowdrift with a grunt. Sam jumped up from the damp wood of the porch.

                "Dean!" Sam and Cas called in unison. There was movement from the snowdrift, so the boys, still on alert, turned back to the new assailant. Sam readied his knife.

                "Hey, hey! I'm not a vamp!" She was still holding her weapon, but she put her hands up as if in truce.

                "That was one hell of a kick!" Sam exclaimed as came down off the porch.

                "Then just what are you?" Cas interjected.         

                "I'm Dhampir." She said casually. "Human-vampire offspring. I'm more human than vamp." She sheathed her bowie knife at this point. "I don't have the bloodlust. I just _really_ like red meat." She added with a small laugh.

                "Still a monster." Dean grumbled from the snowdrift.

                "I hunt. Just like you." She countered, putting her hands on her hips and leaning her weight on her right foot.

                "Don't mind him, he's always like that." Sam interrupted as he moved between her and Dean, still holding his knife at the ready. "What's your name?"

                She dropped her arms as she brought her honey brown eyes up into Sam's gentle gaze. "Phoebe." 

                "I'm Sam, this is Dean and Cas." Sam gestured behind him where Cas was helping Dean up out of the snow. "We came up this way to clean out the vamp nest here."

                "Nests." She corrected.

                "Nests?" Sam's eyebrows came together.

                "Yeah. I've cleaned out one already, I was working on this one when you three showed up." She thrust her thumb out, pointing it at the cabin over her shoulder. "There's at least one or two more."

                Dean was on his feet now and came up next to Sam. " _You're_ killing Vampires?" Dean said dubiously. "Why the hell would you do that?"

                "Oh, because I asked for this life, sure!" She leaned forward now, spitting the words at Dean. "My mother was held by a nest when she was young. It wasn't her choice!" She stepped forward. "Then, when they took her from me I-"

                Sam put his hand up to stop her advance. "Phoebe, we understand. It's okay." He lowered his hand and finally, his blade, when she stopped. "If you two can get past your issues, we can work on this together. It'll be easier and faster for all of us."

                Dean tugged Sam back from her. "You wanna work _with her_?" his words came out as a low rumble.

                "Yeah Dean, she's already working the case, she might even know where the nests are."

                "I don't trust it Sammy. Not a bit." Dean turned from Sam quickly and continued, louder, "Alright fine. You and me, we're going for one nest, Sam and Cas you go for the other." Cas was about to speak out against the plan, but the look on Dean's face stopped him.

                Phoebe gave Sam the suspected location of the second vamp nest and they split up, her with Dean, as discussed. That new location was nearby to this one, so Dean took the Impala to where the other nest might be with Phoebe, leaving Sam and Cas to walk up the road a bit further. Sam zipped his jacket, thrust his free hand into his pocket and started up the road, Cas casually strolling alongside him. He couldn't help but wonder how Cas stayed warm in only his suit and trench, especially since he didn't bother to button it. Perhaps as an Angel it made sense, but as a human, he had to be cold, surely. He didn't mention it to Cas. The twenty minute walk to the next location felt longer in the freezing wind of the mountains, but they made it.

                Everything outside appeared quiet and there were no footprints in the snow anywhere they could see. Drawing their blades, Sam and Cas approached the house. It wasn't a cabin like the other houses they'd come upon, it looked more like a summer home. It was a large two story, with huge picture windows and a wrap around veranda. Snow blew into the doorway with them as they entered and the breeze ruffled the sheets covering all the furniture inside. Cas went left and Sam right, toward a staircase. As Sam turned to tell Cas his side was clear, a figure appeared at the top of the stairs. Before Sam could take any action, the vamp had straddled the rail of the stairwell and ridden it to the bottom, landing in front of him with a bang. At the sound of it, Cas turned away from the doorway he was investigating and was immediately jumped from behind by a vamp who was waiting in the next room.

                The vamp at the stairwell grabbed Sam and threw him across the foyer. Sam crashed into the wall by the door with a thud, his knife making a metallic scarping sound as it slid with him. Cas struggled with his own vampire, until he finally flung him back into the room he came from. Sam scrambled to grab his weapon before the other vamp reached him. Just as the vamp was grasping for Sam, he felt the handle of his knife and, getting a good grip, swung it upward, stabbing the vamp through the neck just under his chin. The vamp let out a disgusting gurgle as blood flowed down the blade and toward Sam's hands. Sam twisted the knife, slicing the thin skin of the vamps throat to the left in the process. Then Sam forcefully sliced to the right, successfully decapitating him. Cas looked at Sam in awe, but while he was distracted, the other vamp returned and pulled Cas into the other room.

                Sam jumped up and ran through the doorway. He eyed the room to get a better idea of the space he where he would be fighting. It was sitting room of some kind, with a fireplace. Cas and the vamp had already destroyed the coffee table and shuffled around a considerable amount of furniture in their struggle. Sam lunged forward in Cas' defence as he saw him drop his sword. Unable to get a clean shot to the neck, Sam instead shoved the vampire over a couch. When Sam checked that Cas was okay, Cas nodded, then went to rearm himself with his sword that fell nearby.     

                As the vamp got up, he grabbed an iron poker off the mantel and circled back to Sam. Sam knew the vamp had better reach than he did with his knife, but he went for it anyway. Cas turned just in time to see the iron poker plunge deep into Sam's shoulder, causing Sam to drop his weapon. Cas saw the point come out the other side of Sam, dripping blood. In one swift motion, the vamp ripped it back out of him again, tearing the flesh as Sam screamed in agony. The vamp then took the poker, hit Sam over the head with it and watched as Sam crumpled to the floor. Cas cried out as he charged the vamp. As he turned in surprise at the shout, Cas sliced his blade through his neck in one clean swift motion. Blood splattered Cas' clothes and splashed onto the floor, narrowly missing Sam nearby.

                Cas knelt next to Sam and opened his jacket. Underneath, he unbuttoned his plaid overshirt, then ripped open the hole made in his t-shirt by the poker, to assess the wound. The release of pressure from his clothes caused the blood start pouring out. As he stared helplessly at Sam, laying there bleeding, Cas could feel the tickle of the Grace within him. It was almost singing out to him, trying to tell him something. His head tilted as he looked at his palms, and then to Sam on the ground. Instinctively, he held his palm over the wound on Sam's shoulder. A dim white glow emanated from the space between his hand and Sam's wound. For a moment, he almost panicked as the bleeding increased, but then it subsided and he saw the cavity in Sam's shoulder shrink. As the soft light dissipated, Sam was left with a minor oozing cut instead.

                Cas fell backward from the sudden pain in his eyes. He knew exactly what was happening this time, but even so, he had no control over it. The world was spinning around him, then suddenly he was in an office. A woman was berating him, telling him to do the unthinkable... and then there _he_ was, bloodied and bruised. He was looking at what he'd done to Dean. He watched as he dropped an Angel blade and instead picked up an inscribed rock. _The Angel Tablet_... Just as he reached to heal Dean, the image dissolved. _Naomi!_ His mind screamed to go back and strike out at her, but instead he was lashed to a chair in an institutional room and someone was hovering over him. He was powerless as his throat was slashed and a lustrous white material poured from his neck, to be held captive in a tiny bottle. _My Grace..._ His mind's eye was flooded with the images of Angels falling through the sky, their wings burning away. He saw them crashing into the Earth like meteors. The hardships he'd endured as a human passed before him, until he was driving with someone. _Metatron!_ He felt immense satisfaction, as he saw himself punch Metatron in the face. Relief that felt like coming home washed over him when he witnessed his retrieval of his Grace. As he watched himself swallow it down, everything went white.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> The first three paragraphs worry me that they don't read like the rest of this fic, but I need to show progression of time and character and I want to make sure all three get their say.
> 
> I chose Vermont, because they boys haven't gone there on a case in Supernatural yet.
> 
> Again, distance, time, routes and locations are all checked for accuracy.
> 
> I know, there's a lot of vamps in this fic, but I wanted a new creature and Dhampir was it... strangely enough because I actually dislike stories where vampires can reproduce. Sex sure I guess, reproduce, not when something is dead honey.
> 
> I also realised after writing, that everyone drops their weapon in this chapter... I was gonna change it, but that's so like Supernatural, isn't it? xD
> 
> It was hard to pick a name, but I liked Phoebe. Her last name is unimportant on purpose. I'm not sure Phoebe fits such a sassy, independent personality, but it worked for me.
> 
> Originally I had Dean go with Cas and get injured, but then I realised, Dean wouldn't allow a threat to be around Sam or Cas, so I changed it.
> 
> I feel like I haven't had a chapter this light on dialogue in a while. It was kinda nice to write in pictures again. The fight scenes were fun to write too! Especially when Sam gets tossed against the wall and shoves his knife in the vamps throat and has to twist it... >.> Is that concerning?
> 
> Poor Cas, still not over the last set of memories... maybe he shouldn't have pushed himself to try to heal Sam... but he couldn't let Dean down.


	15. WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mass vamp nest clean out comes to a resolution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3

                The cabin where Phoebe directed Dean was a thirty minute drive away, farther up in the mountains. He had no idea how she figured out these locations, but instead of feeling foolish for trusting her and heading blindly into the forest, he reminded himself that he could take care of any trouble. Between the icy roads and the other winter conditions, he expected the drive to take longer than necessary. After starting off on the wrong foot, neither of them felt particularly chatty and it made for a tense trip.

                After what felt like an eternity, they finally pulled up to a tiny cabin. Dean cut the engine. He had thrown his machete into the backseat before they took off. Now, he reached over the seat and grabbed it before getting out of the Impala. Dean surveyed the area, it was the kind of quiet that's noticeable. Not even the birds were stirring and the air was still. Dean noticed there were no footprints in the snow outside the cabin. Instantaneously, Phoebe appeared next to Dean as he heard her car door close. He'd been surprised, but kept his cool and just looked at her blankly, then started toward the cabin. Phoebe slowed to his pace and they approached the rundown cabin together.

                Upon closer inspection, the cabin was severely derelict, much worse than the one where the boys had chosen to squat. The windows were smashed and there were shards of glass all over the tiny porch. The door didn't hang on the hinges properly and couldn't be closed all the way. Dean looked through a broken window. There was sparse, demolished furniture littering the floor inside. He couldn't imagine even vamps were staying here. _Is this a trap?_ Engrossed in the windows, Dean didn't hear the approaching threat behind him. He heard a cry, followed by the swish of metal through the air and a gooey thud. He turned back and Phoebe was wiping her blade on the dead vamps clothes.

                "You're welcome." She said as she straightened up.

                "Th-thanks." Dean's mouth hung open in amazement. She'd helped him. Saved him. _What the hell?_

As if she could read his mind she said, "We're not all monsters Dean." before entering the cabin.

                Dean took one last look at the vamp and went inside. "They can't possibly be staying here?"

                "They'll stay anywhere." She circled the interior, it was only a tiny cabin, less than five rooms altogether. "The more remote you go, the more they put up with." She began ransacking what little there was in the cabin, unnecessarily. "I've seen them stay in caves, burnt out cars, condemned buildings. It doesn't matter much."

                Dean could only assume the difference was that he and Sam stuck to towns and cities more often. _High class vampires, heh._

                "There's no one else here." She confidently strolled out of the cabin. Dean was flabbergasted, but followed. He looked again at the vamp on the ground outside. The skin was grey and looked thin, almost like the vamp was decaying. _Perhaps he was starving..._

                "He must be a straggler." She sheathed her bowie knife as she approached the car. "Outcast from one of the other nests for whatever reason. I have to say, he didn't look so hot." She giggled.

                Dean raised an eyebrow as she got back in the car, but she didn't seem to notice. He opened his door, threw his blade over the seat again, then got in the Impala. The roar of the engine echoed through the mountains as he started the ignition. He expertly backed Baby down the drive and out from the cabin, to the icy mountain road.

                "You know, you don't have to worry about me Dean." Dean gave her a glance that screamed skepticism. "I don't drink blood!" she, declared. "Look, I don't even have fangs." Dean let off the gas, leaving the Impala to coast, while he inspected her open mouth.

                He looked back at the road. "Alright."

                "You're just a ray of sunshine, aren't ya?" She irked.

                "Oh yeah." Dean pressed the gas.

                They arrived to pick up Sam and Cas at the location where they'd been sent, as agreed, but neither Sam nor Cas was anywhere to be seen. Dean got out of the car and Phoebe followed suit. Both grabbed their weapons, just in case. The front door was still slightly open, so Dean pushed it with his shoulder, grasping his machete with two hands. On the floor was the decapitated vamp Sam had killed. There was a large suspicious void on the floor where the blood had spilled. The vamps head wasn't far off. Dean and Phoebe crept through the room, until Phoebe saw their bodies through the doorway to the sitting room.

                "Dean!" She turned and waved him over, "Here!" Then she vanished.

                Dean ran over to the room to join her. She was kneeling next to Cas, who was unconscious on the floor.

                She touched his throat for a pulse. "He's alive!" Dean made his way over, just as Sam let out a groan.

                "Sammy!" Dean called as he dropped to the floor. "What happened?"

                Sam moaned as he sat up and rubbed his head. "Vamp frickin hit me! And he-", realisation hit Sam and he looked down at his shoulder. He was covered in blood, but his wound was small and the blood had dried up and caked over it. _What in the-?_ He looked up at Dean, "I could have sworn he stabbed-" Then Sam noticed Cas next to him. "Cas?" He scrambled to check on him.

                "He's okay Sammy. Just knocked out." Dean put his arms under Cas and braced himself to lift his weight. Sam let out the air he was holding, in a whoosh. Phoebe helped Sam up and they returned to the Impala together. Dean laid Cas in the backseat and double checked his breathing, before closing the door. Holding himself up on the open passenger door, Sam watched Phoebe and Dean.

                Dean rubbed the nape of his neck. "I didn't say thanks for back there."

                "It was nothing, really." She placed a hand on her hip.

                "Did you want to-" Dean gestured at the car.

                "Nah." She smiled at him. "I'm kinda always on the move. I got places to be. _Real_ monsters to kill." She gave him an exaggerated wink.

                "Right." Dean smiled in spite of himself. Then she was gone.

***

                Sam and Dean drove back to the dilapidated cabin in silence. They both knew it was going to be a long night. Sam tried to insist on helping Dean carry Cas inside, but Dean wouldn't have it with his shoulder hurt, so Sam held the door instead. Dean laid Cas on his sleeping bag and knelt down beside him, surveying the damage. After he grabbed his duffle bag, Sam went into the next room. They didn't have a shower here, so Sam conceded to the dirty and disappointing drive back to the bunker, but at least he could change clothes.

                Dean noticed Cas' trench coat hadn't suffered much of the blood spatter. _It_ _must have flown open._ He removed the trench from Cas and folded it up, putting it aside. As he loosened Cas' tie, he felt a single tear on his cheek.  Sighing, Dean gently removed the tie and looked down at it, it had almost escaped the blood, but there was a large drop, just on the tip. He threw it aside. Cas' dress shirt was now red and pink instead of white. Dean slowly undid the buttons, carefully measuring the rise and fall of Cas' chest in his mind as he worked. He attentively opened the shirt and removed it, brushing his fingers lightly on Cas' soft skin. He felt the muscles of Cas' arms flex as he pulled down each sleeve gently. A total loss, the threw the shirt at the tie on the floor.

                Sam quietly came upon the scene. He could see the intensity with which Dean went about his task, so he stopped in the doorway, not wanting to interrupt. Dean undid Cas' belt and slid it out from under him, then scrupulously removed Cas' navy trousers. The dark colour of the pants didn't give away the amount of blood contained on them. When Dean had finished removing them, he saw Cas' usually pristine white boxers, we're dark pink with blood that had seeped through. Dean could see the contour of Cas' manhood under the fabric. He felt a sudden primal urge rise within himself as he stared. He blindly reached for Cas' trench coat and unfolding it, covered Cas' with it like a blanket.  As he moved the open portion of the sleeping bag over Cas, he heard Sam enter the room. He zipped the sleeping bag, Cas safely inside and after a moment, stood up.

                Sam was sitting on his sleeping bag, his long legs stretched out across the floor. "He's going to be okay Dean."

                "I hope so Sammy." Dean rubbed his hand over his mouth as he sat down across from Sam on his own bag.

                "I know he will." Sam leaned back, putting his weight on his hands behind him. "Cas is tough Dean. He's been through a lot and he always pulls through."

                Dean leaned forward, arms across his knees as he nodded ambiguously.

                "Besides, he's got you to come back to." Sam added casually.

                Dean looked up, apprehensive. "Why would you say that?"

                "Because he does Dean." Sam smiled broadly and Dean wasn't sure if he was being mocked. "I've seen how you look at him."

                "Well, I, it's just-" Dean stuttered. He never expected this conversation to ever occur. He finally decided on words. "He needs someone to look out for him, you know?"

                "Sure Dean."

                "We're all he's got." Dean looked over at Cas. He appeared to be sleeping peacefully, nothing more. "I mean, he's family..."

                "You're right. " Sam straightened up. "He's like a brother to me. I've told him so."

                "You did?" Dean was intrigued.

                "Yeah. When he was hiding out in his room that first time." Sam's face softened. "After he remembered Purgatory. When I brought him your sandwich."

                "Oh." Dean mulled this over.

                "Oh?" Sam laughed, it was just like Dean. _Never gives a hint of what's going on in that brain of his, if he can help it._

               "Yeah... brother..." Dean looked like he was still forming a thought. "I told him that once too you know."

                "Really?" Sam blurted the word with a little too much gusto, almost choked on it. _No wonder._

                "Yeah." Dean noticed Sam's scrutiny. "What?"

                "Well... I just think, maybe you should work on..." Sam raised his eyebrows, "expressing yourself?"

                Dean stood up. "Whatever."

                "Where are you going?"

                Dean opened the door to outside. "Take a piss." Without looking back at Sam, he bolted out of the cabin.

***

                Cas was already awake when Dean woke up, but Sam was still sleeping nearby. Dean sat up and pushed his sleeping bag off, but Cas didn't stir. He was just sitting on his sleeping bag, back against the wall, across from Dean, staring. As if trapped in his gaze, Dean sat too, and stared back in fascination for a few moments. He wasn't sure if he saw Cas blink the whole time he looked. Finally, his senses seemed to return.

                "Cas?"

                "Good morning Dean."

                Dean didn't want to reply. The familiar low rumble of Cas' voice was all he wanted. He wanted to hear it forever.

                "How did you sleep?"

                The words drifted over Dean like a warm blanket. but then Sam rolled nosily in his sleep, breaking the illusion. "Sleep- How did you Cas? Are you okay?"

                "I'm fine Dean."

                "You don't look fine." Dean became uneasy.

                "I regained some new memories. You know of Naomi?" Cas adjusted how he was sitting. Dean felt relieved that Cas finally moved, even if a little. "And Metatron?"

                "Yeah..." Dean didn't know what else to say, what would be safe. He couldn't know what Cas remembered and what he didn't.

                "I beat you Dean..." Cas subsequently looked away. "almost killed you." 

                Dean leaned forward aggressively. "No Cas! That bitch _made_ you do that! Don't you feel sorry!"

                Dean's shout woke up Sam and he made a sound like, "Hnnnggggg" as he rolled over.

                "Good morning Sam." Cas said placidly.

                Sam shot up in his sleeping bag. "Cas! I knew you'd be alright!" Sam's hair was wild from sleeping as he peered at Cas through it. "You are alright, right?"

                "Still in one piece Sam." Cas smiled his light smile.

                Dean stood up, annoyed that once again, his moment had passed. "Need to piss." He explained as they both looked at him, and he went outside.

                "We should head back to the bunker today." Cas' words didn't match his tone and Sam found it unsettling as he continued to sit unnaturally still.

                "You up for it Cas?" Sam replied precariously.

                "Yes. You?"

                "Yeah... actually Cas, I wanted to ask you about that." Cas waited for Sam to continue, expressionless. "My shoulder- I could have sworn that vamp got me with the poker pretty bad." Sam narrowed his eyes.

                "I guess it wasn't as bad as you thought."

                Sam opened his mouth to reply, but just then Dean came back in, stomping snow all over the floor.

                "Had a pretty decent snowfall last night. Hope you're up for getting out of here before we're snowed in." He knelt down and started rolling up his sleeping bag.

                Sam looked at Cas tentatively. "Yeah, we were just agreeing that we should." Sam stood up, threw his flannel back on without buttoning it, then excused himself to go outside.

                Dean finished rolling his bag and turned to Cas. Sometime after Sam left, while Dean had his back turned, Cas had stood up and removed his bloodied boxers. He was standing with his back to Dean, completely naked. Dean dropped the bedroll, bewildered. Cas quietly pulled on a fresh pair of crisp white boxers from his bag, then turned to face Dean. They looked at each other in a moment of wonderment. Dean closed his mouth and neither of them spoke. The air felt electric and Dean wasn't sure if it was the cold, or something else. Cas blinked, freeing him, and he bent down to grab his bag and bedroll. Just as Sam came back in, Dean stumbled out of the cabin and Sam looked at him curiously.

                "What's with him?" Sam asked.

                "No idea." Cas said shrewdly as he pulled on his pants. Sam peered at him, mystified, before turning and rolling up his own sleeping bag.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> Originally, I was going to only say there were no vamps where Phoebe took Dean and he suspected her of laying a trap, but that was boring.
> 
> I actually can't remember if speed and decay are a part of SPN vamp lore, I didn't check! /gasp, but they are a part of general vamp lore... 
> 
> It feels a little out of character to me, for Dean to not notice a threat or not know where vamps would stay, but I needed to endear him to Phoebe, as well as develop her character. He's still his good ol', cold-shouldery self in the car.
> 
> I love the feel of the scene where Dean and Phoebe say goodbye. It plays out so well in my head. Dean's trying to show emotion and admit she's not all that bad, but she still picks on him anyway, not making it any easier.
> 
> I love writing these intimate scenes between Dean and Cas, it's the best way to get Dean's emotions across, since his character is so closed off and doesn't want to talk about them.
> 
> I realised afterward that maybe Sam wouldn't lean back and put his weight on that shoulder, but then again, it was pretty much healed up, so while it's probably sore, it's not like it could have been.
> 
> I really hope the dialogue here between Sam and Dean works... I feel it does, but I can't know what it's like to others. I thought it was important to address the fact that Dean called Cas a brother in canon and explain it. It seems like sometimes, the writers are in a battle between making Destiel canon and not, leading to lots of mixed signals. I used Dean's difficultly with emotions to explain that he didn't understand what saying something like that would cause for Cas in the development of a romantic relationship. As well as the fact that, in this fic anyway, Dean is only just coming to understand that he is bisexual.
> 
> I was attempting to portray that Cas was trying to show good face, but actually felt dead inside. I hope this came across. There are very few descriptors from Cas himself as to what he's feeling, only the unease from Sam and Dean as they perceive him. He is not better, but perhaps, what he's feeling is no longer depression either. In some ways, maybe he's worse... He's trying to make some decisions and testing the waters.
> 
> I don't know why, but I suddenly wanted to listen to Nine Inch Nails a couple days ago. As a result a few chapters got song titles and this was one of them. I know it is not the intended interpretation of the song, but as I was listening I felt the first half fit Cas and his battle with being human versus an Angel. The second half fit Dean for me, by his way of suppressing his emotions and his confusion over his sexuality as he tries to figure out what he's feeling. I think it says a lot about their character development at this stage.


	16. LANDSLIDE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys return from Vermont and take a needed rest. While Dean is out, Sam tries to talk to Cas.
> 
> (AKA - Potentially boring filler that should be character development needed to get Cas out of his funk. >.>)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3

                Winter followed them to the bunker and miraculously, it snowed in Kansas. The flat ground of the Midwest was dusted with white as far as the eye could see. It crunched under Dean's boots as he trekked across the parking lot and up to the grocery store. It had been over a week since they'd returned from Vermont and supplies were low, even before they'd left. Cas had been eerily silent since they got back and Dean had wanted some air. He needed some time to think and he knew he had to be strong for Cas. Cas needed them right now. So, he let the months of despair while Cas was missing be forgotten and pushed the bad memories down inside himself. Cas was still quiet, sure, but Dean thought he still seemed slightly improved after their trip. At least he was coming to eat meals regularly again. Dean tried to remain optimistic for Cas, but according to Sam's face at breakfast that morning, he may have been trying too hard.

                Cas still did spend a lot of his time alone, whether in his room or not. When Sam found a case a couple days after they returned, Cas declined to go again, saying he'd only want to join if they were nearby and not likely to get complicated. Sam and Dean didn't know, but Cas' opinion was also dependant on the memories he regained that day. Cas knew it was really just poor timing. At any rate, Sam did a mysterious one-eighty, suggesting perhaps they should all rest before going to Montana instead.

                It was seemingly too late, that Cas had finally remembered being human before. Those events with Metatron that lead to it happening. He remembered the hardship as part of humanity. When you can remember life as an Angel, the difference is night and day. He could recall the first time he felt hunger pangs and thirst, the requirements of the body to process these things. Sleeping was an inconvenient loss of time then, but now he quite enjoyed it. He found dreaming particularly wonderful. He also remembered his first and only time having sex, when April took him in as he hid from the Angels. As a result, he took out some of his tension alone in his room that night, after he was certain the boys were asleep.

                 In addition to the event of The Fall, he recalled Gadreel's escape from Heaven's prison and his time possessing Sam, when Dean tricked Sam into letting him in to heal him. He remembered killing one of his misguided sisters out of necessity. He remembered his travels with Hannah and her subsequent death. He knew he'd taken Grace from a brother to escape capture. He recalled the time he obtained more stolen Grace via Crowley, just in time to save Sam from his brother; when Dean had become a demon from dying while possessing the Mark of Cain. He had been the cause of yet another split in Heaven and another war between factions. So much destruction, because of him. He did not mean to use his brothers and sisters in this way. He did not mean to be the divide in Heaven. He did not mean to cause wars and anguish. Yet, he could not figure out why he seemed destined to it.  

                With these memories, the full understanding of Nathaniel's contempt hit him like a tsunami. They hadn't heard from or seen Nathaniel since he'd abducted Cas. It certainly helped that all three of them were cloaked and the bunker heavily warded. It was possible he would never find them, yet all they needed to do was summon him. Cas didn't want him near them though. He remembered Nathaniel's threat and had no idea what it could mean. The last thing he wanted, was to invite him anywhere near the bunker, Sam or... Dean. After healing Sam, Cas knew for certain now, his vessel retained at least a small portion of Grace after his fall. Nathaniel hadn't been lying about that, which just made Cas more uncomfortable about what else Nathaniel had told him. He wondered how much worse it would really become.

***

                When Dean left after breakfast, Sam thought he should check on Cas. He clicked the laptop shut and spun his mug on the table top as he considered. They needed to leave for Montana in a couple days, to see Garth and Bess as planned. He really hoped Cas would be better before they made the trip. Now he worried Cas might not even go with them. He padded down the hall to Cas' room with the remainder of his coffee in hand and knocked on the door.

                "Come in." Cas' muffled voice replied.

                Sam cracked the door open slowly and slipped inside. "Hey Cas."

                "Sam."

                Sam looked at the TV. Cas was watching something on Netflix that he hadn't seen before. He tried to be casual. "What ya watchin'?"

                Cas paused the show and looked at him impatiently.

                Sam's expression wilted and he cleared his throat as he straddled Cas' desk chair. "Right. I just wanted to see how you're doing." Sam enveloped his mug with both of his huge hands.

                "Fine." Cas dropped the remote on the bed.

                Seeing that Cas had no intention of immediately resuming his program, Sam took that as a sign. "You know, if you need to get anything off your mind..." Sam rotated his mug, "I'm here to talk."

                Cas exhaled. "I know."

                "Wherever you want to start." Sam added, still hugging his mug. His hands seemed so big, Cas thought he might accidentally crush it.

                "Where _do_ I start Sam? From when I used people? Angels? Or when I killed thousands? Perhaps it should be from when I almost destroyed Heaven." Cas' gravelly voice revealed how precarious he was feeling.

                Sam tried to lift the mood, poorly. "I almost destroyed the world too, so I can relate." He lifted his mug as if to offer 'cheers' to brotherhood.

                Cas ignored his flubbed attempt to make light of the situation. "Some of my brothers and sisters still haven't forgiven me. Perhaps they will never forgive me. I don't even know if I can..."

                "Cas..." Sam's usual gentle persona fell over him.

                "I stole Grace. I killed so many brothers and sisters. Caused them to fall from their home!" Cas was on the verge of tears.

                "Maybe it was good for them to experience humanity Cas. Eye opening."

                "Very few of them understand as I do Sam."

                "Which is why it would be good for them." Sam's eyebrows came together a little.

                "They don't... change." Cas looked away.

                "You did." Sam nursed his mug.

                Cas looked back up in surprise. "I-" His mouth held the shape as his words trailed off.

                Sam relaxed his arms over the back of the chair. "Maybe that's why you're here Cas. Maybe Chuck did this... maybe he understands you better than you know." He smiled delicately.

                Cas quietly mulled over the possibility.

                Sam stared into his coffee as he thought about Dean's behaviour lately. He could tell that the relationship between Cas and Dean had taken on a new hue since Cas returned as a human. Sam always knew there was something special between them. They'd even said so without so many words, but this time something was a little, different. The path they were on diverged. It was still as irritatingly slow and awkward to develop, but it was developing _more_ somehow. Finally.

                All Sam ever wanted was for his big brother to be happy. Dean had taken care of him his whole life, protected him and Sam only ever wanted to give back what he could. He knew Cas was the ticket to Dean's happiness, even if Dean couldn't see and understand it. He'd witnessed Dean's many one night stands, hopeless flings and shameless flirting, but it was all fleeting. The only real relationship he'd ever tried for was with Lisa and she wasn't in the life. Deep down Dean must have known it wouldn't work out. Sam knew it was lop-sided from the beginning, but of course, he didn't have a soul at the time... still, he gave them a chance. Sam knew Dean needed someone in the life, like when that small spark appeared between him and Jo. Cas knew the life, hell, Cas _was_ the life!

                "Dean is worried about you, you know." Sam took a sip from his mug.

                Cas' demeanour changed instantly. Consternation melting into curiosity. "He is?"

                Sam feigned apathy. "Yeah. Of course." He swished the remaining coffee in his mug a couple times.

                "How can you tell?" Cas' brow furrowed deeply.

                "Well you know. He's got a funny way of showing he cares." Sam took another sip, concentrating on his mug. "He's my brother, I can just tell."

                Cas resigned. _Why won't Dean just tell me?_ He sighed heavily.

                "We want to help you deal with all of this Cas," Sam leaned forward and took on his typical gentle expression. "but you've got to let us in first."

                Cas nodded softly in agreement.

                "Come with us to Montana. It'll help take your mind off everything for a bit." Sam sat up again. "Sometimes, when we look at something after a break, we can see things differently."

                "Yeah. You're probably right Sam."

                "Great! This will be our first real Christmas, all together. " Just then, they heard the bunker door slam. Sam got up from the chair. "There's Dean now, he'll be glad to hear it!"

                Cas shot up on the bed. "He- what?" but Sam was out of the room in two huge strides, leaving Cas bewildered.

***

                Cas could hear Sam greet Dean in the common room and offer to help put away the shopping. He wondered if Sam would tell Dean what had just transpired between them. He thought again about what Sam said. What if Chuck had done this to him... was he free now? Why would Chuck leave his Grace intact though? Surely, he would know how to remove it completely, safely. His Father did not seem to be the most likely culprit.

                He found himself wondering if it was Zadkiel. He was the last Angel he remembered seeing, after all. Zadkiel was understanding, merciful and benevolent. Surely he would understand Castiel's free will... but he hadn't when Cas failed to get an assignment on Earth. Cas wasn't sure if or why Zadkiel would do this to him either. About one thing he felt certain, Nathaniel didn't do it. If anything, Nathaniel seemed angry that Castiel should get what he might enjoy. It wouldn't make sense for Nathaniel to do it, unless of course... it was all part of his plan to build Castiel up, so he could tear him down.

                Cas had lunch in his room while he finished binge watching a series on Netflix, but joined Sam and Dean for dinner later that night. Dean had made a lasagne, something Cas quite liked. He enjoyed Dean's cooking immensely and, for the first time in a long time, he felt elated when Dean came out of the kitchen, with two huge oven mitts on, carrying the casserole dish. Cas still wasn't sure if Sam had told Dean what they'd talked about earlier and he suddenly felt excruciatingly nervous. _Angels never felt particularly nervous... how convenient._ Dean sat the dish on the table, then took his seat. Cas cut and placed a large chunk of lasagne on his plate, even though he wasn't certain he would be able to eat it all. As everyone cut into their food, he worked up the courage and finally spoke.

                "I'm coming to Montana for Christmas." He said to no one in particular.

                "Oh? That's good Cas." Dean didn't even look up from his food.

                _This is Dean glad?!_ Cas wasn't sure what he even expected anyway, Dean was Dean.

                Sam looked up from the laptop, where he was researching as usual. "I'm glad Cas." He smiled at him. "I called Garth and let him know this afternoon."

                "While I was out?" Dean interjected.

                "Yeah." Sam looked back to his laptop. "I had a chat with Cas."

                Dean looked at Cas curiously.

                _So, Sam didn't tell Dean._ Cas' stomach unknotted itself. _What was I so worried about?_

               "I don't see any cases on the way so far." Sam took a bite of his food.

                "Maybe the monsters are laying off for the holidays." Dean joked.

                Cas laughed lightly as Sam glared at Dean. "There's still a couple days before we go. I'll keep an eye out."

                "Yeah, yeah." Dean's lasagne wiggled as he stabbed it with his fork.

                The trio went quiet. Cas studied his plate a moment, then cut into this lasagne with the side of his fork. As he looked up to eat the bite, he saw that Dean was looking at him.

                "I'm glad you're coming Cas. Wouldn't be the same without you." There was a hint of a smile before he stuffed an oversize portion of lasagne into his mouth.

                Cas smiled back and resumed eating his lasagne with renewed enthusiasm. Sam glanced up at him from over the laptop and, when he caught Cas' eye, gave him the slightest of winks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> Let it be known, I feel like this is the weakest Chapter of the fic at the moment. =/ It's 100% required character development, but I don't feel it's as good as it could be? It's time to deviate from the characters I know a little bit and add elements to them that would occur should Dean and Cas enter a romantic relationship. I guess that makes me nervous. This chapter may someday see some level of rewrite.
> 
> Again I used Dean's inner monologue to show his feelings about everything, because he's just not fully at a point to be open about it, it's possible he may never be 100% there.
> 
> Sam is particularly out of character in this chapter, trying weird things to help Cas. >.> He's also happy for them and wants things to work out for Cas and Dean, but doesn't want to show any eagerness about it, though he feels impatient for them to figure it out.
> 
> I think the dialogue over dinner gets back to character a little bit, but I'm still worried about it anyway.
> 
> I have no clue why I picked lasagne, but I found out it has two appropriate spellings. xD


	17. I WON'T BACK DOWN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys head to Garth and Bess' for Christmas and have a lovely holiday night. However, the next day, Dean hears someone call for help and the visit takes a dangerous turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3

                When the boys returned to Garth and Bess' place on Christmas Eve, there was a blanket of snow over the house. The small cabin Garth and Bess had appropriated, glowed in the early evening light. The illuminated tips of a string of lights poked through snow along the edge of the porch roof. There was a modest wreath on the door, that looked homemade. Dean was thankful Garth had shovelled out the driveway, knowing Baby's undercarriage was taking a beating in this particularly cold winter. The mountain snow was soft underfoot and barely made noise as they approached the house. The air was dry and felt thin, and the forest surrounding the house was silent, except a bird calling in the distance. Sam and Cas each carried bags of cooking supplies and some presents they'd brought along, leaving Dean to announce their arrival. Just as Dean was about to knock on the door, it opened.

                "Hey guys!" Garth was shining like the sun as he welcomed them inside. It appeared as though he'd been standing by the door all day waiting. "Come in, come in!" He ushered them all through the doorway with one arm.

                Dean made a face at the hideous Christmas sweater Garth was wearing as he passed out his hugs to each of them. Bess appeared, carrying Garth V and greeted them all warmly. Inside the house it was toasty, due to a roaring fire in the next room. Garth had made significant renovations to the once abandoned cabin. The furniture and decor had greatly improved since their last visit as well. The smell of a Christmas dinner cooking also made it seem that more homely. The trio was glad to see Garth and Bess so well and happy. Bess invited Sam and Cas to follow her to the kitchen to unpack their bags. Before going, Cas handed Dean the other bag containing the gifts they brought. Dean went with Garth into the living room where the fireplace was, to a small Christmas tree in the corner.

                In the kitchen, Bess traded Sam the baby for his groceries. Sam did his best to entertain little Garth while she put everything away.

                "Thank you so much for bringing this to resupply us." She said as she stocked the pantry. "We live so far out from town, we only make so many trips as we need and with the snowfall lately, it's been getting harder to get the car out of here."

                "It was hard getting a car _in_ here." Cas handed her more supplies from one of his bags. "Even Dean was driving cautiously."

                "And that's saying a lot." Sam added, laughing. Garth V cooed at Sam's laughter and touched his mouth. Wrinkles appeared in the corners of Sam's eyes as he smiled down at the baby.

                Bess laughed. "It really is." She pulled a knowing expression before turning to continue stocking the pantry.

                In the living room, Dean was handing Garth festively wrapped packages from the bag Cas had given him.  He could tell exactly which ones Cas had wrapped, because the folds and creases were absolute perfection, almost inhuman. By contrast, some of Dean's were coming apart and had tears at the corners from being pulled too tightly. He thought about the other night, when they sat at the table in the war room, wrapping them. He could hear the gentle laughter as Cas and Sam chatted merrily. The soft whoosh of scissors as Sam ran them across the paper, cutting smooth edges. The way Cas fiddled with the tape on his finger tips, to make sure it was placed just so on the folds he created. How they laughed at him for his messy, crooked wrap jobs. He felt he'd have been better off rolling the gifts in a chunk of paper and wrapping tape all the way around them. He scoffed to himself.

                Garth looked at him, curious. "It's great to see everyone getting along so well." He commented.

                Dean looked at him, jolted out of his daydreaming. "Huh?"

                "The three of you look pretty happy. Seemed like you and Sam always had something to argue about."

                Dean thought about it for a moment. _I guess having Cas around, really brings a balance to things._ "It's been pretty good lately. Other than a little Angel trouble here and there, it's pretty quiet." Dean replied. "Just your standard monster problems."

                "How is Cas adjusting?" Garth stuck a small box among the lower branches of the tree.

                Dean dropped the package he was holding out before Garth could grab it. "Uh..." _I can't tell Garth how much Cas has been moping, it would ruin everything and I'd never hear the end of it._ "He's adjusting. Takes a while to get used to everything. I think he likes being at the bunker though."

                "Oh, he stays with you guys?" Garth asked as he picked up the package Dean dropped.

                Dean opened his mouth, but just then, Bess entered the room carrying baby Garth and informed them dinner was just about ready and that Sam and Cas were setting the table in the kitchen. When Dean entered the room, Sam had just finished setting out the last dishes.

                "Please, have a seat everyone!" Bess said as she strapped Garth V into the baby seat by her chair.

                The table was a bit small for the group, being a four top, and Sam had sat across from the chair likely reserved for Garth. Dean noticed that left the two chairs crammed in next to each other across from Bess, for him and Cas. He shifted nervously.

                Dinner went off without a hitch though, and before he knew it, the kitchen was clean and everyone had retired to the living room to warm by the fire. They alternated between stories about baby Garth and reminiscing about past hunting jobs.  After about an hour, Bess excused herself to nurse baby Garth and put him down for the night. When she returned, everyone excitedly opened gifts. They kept the noise to a minimum, but there was still quite a bit of commotion. Sam and Dean had stayed traditional, picking out gifts at convenience stores for one another and Cas. Bess was particularly impressed at the boys ability to pick out good presents for a family with a new baby. Garth and Bess had a quiet moment together as they exchanged their gifts. As Sam opened an ancient text from Cas, it seemed no one but Dean had noticed Cas hadn't given him anything.

                As it got late, Garth and Bess said goodnight and went to their room. Sam took the only other spare room across from the baby's room, leaving Dean and Cas to camp out in the living room. The pair sat quietly for a bit, until Cas suddenly got up and went to the entry. He pulled a long slender box from the pocket of his trench coat and returned to the worn out couch where Dean was waiting.  Wordlessly, he sat and handed Dean the box shakily.

                Dean stared at the box a short while. It was wrapped in a shining pearlescent white paper with a silver ribbon wrapped around it and tied neatly. It looked perfect and holy.  He slid the ribbon off the corner and it fell away from the box smoothly, still in once piece. Dean didn't dare rip the paper Cas had so carefully applied, so he popped the tape on one end and slid the box out from inside.

                His hands shaking, he slowly lifted the cover off the box, aware of Castiel sitting next to him, nervous and still. He peered at the contents. Laying on top of smooth white tissue paper was a single pristine black feather. It shone in the firelight, reflecting beautiful blue, green and indigo colours like a raven's feather. It was much too large to be from a raven, or even a crow though. The diminishing fire snapped and popped as Dean stared at the gift in his lap, until Cas' voice pierced the silence.

                "I know you have many Angel feathers Dean," He started anxiously. "But, this one is- was, mine."

                Dean looked at Cas softly a moment, searching his eyes. "But, how did you..?"

                "It was in my room." Cas replied simply. "I think, I always meant it for you..." Cas' voice trailed off. "I'll forever be your Angel Dean. I'm not giving up."

                Dean couldn't reply. Instead, to Cas' surprise, Dean turned and hugged him tightly as the fire dimmed and turned to coals.

***

                The next morning after breakfast, Dean put on his coat, gloves and a knit ski hat to go out and clean the fresh snow off the Impala. Armed with a snowbrush, he gently pushed the piles off her, humming CCR to himself. He stopped when he thought he heard something in the distance, to consider if it was an animal calling. When he heard it again, he thought perhaps it could be someone screaming. Instantly, he dropped the snowbrush in the bank and ran back into the house.

                "Bundle up, we gotta go!" He grabbed Sam and Cas' coats from the hooks in the front entry and threw them over.

                "What's going on Dean?" Sam asked as he put on his jacket, then pulled a beanie from the pocket and put it on.

                "There's someone out there that needs help." Dean replied while Cas, already adorned with his trench coat, applied an Ushanka-like bomber cap.

                "Let me grab my things." Garth offered as Sam and Cas pulled on gloves.

                "No." Dean replied, " It would be better if you stay here with Bess and the baby." Dean had already reopened the front door. Garth started wringing his hands, but agreed.

                With the fresh snowfall from the night before, there was no way they'd get the Impala out fast enough. Besides, Dean wasn't even sure where the scream came from, he only had a general idea of the direction... and that didn't include a road. Stepping out into the drifts of snow, the trio found their bottom half of their pants were immediately soaked. Cas was particularly despondent, being the only one wearing dress shoes, which were completely inappropriate for the conditions. It was a short time into the trek and he already felt like every step was effort to haul an ice block.

                The farther they travelled from Garth and Bess' cabin, the thicker the woods became. Thankfully the trees blocked some of the snowfall and the thickness of the drifts lessened. Every once in a while, they would hear rustling or twigs snapping, but Dean never veered off course.  Then Dean suddenly stopped.

                Cas bumped directly into him. "Dean? Wha-" Cas' mouth stayed open as he looked into the distance. 

                Hearing Cas, Sam stopped and instead looked up as well. Not far from them, a large Moose blocked the path, casually ripping bark off a tree. Sam couldn't help smiling to himself.

                "Shh." Dean warned, before deciding on a detour.

                The trio quietly crept off to the left of the original path, moving around behind the Moose. Cas and Sam quietly trailed Dean as he moved an arc around his original course to avoid the gigantic animal. Once they were clear, Sam looked back one last time to see the Moose still peacefully munching on the tree bark.

                They continued forward again for another two minutes or so. Dean moved at a good pace, never questioning his trajectory. It seemed as if he was being directed to the spot, as though he instinctively knew where to go. Whatever he was looking for, could have been silently calling out for him in a voice Cas and Sam could not hear. 

                They came upon a small frozen creek, where Dean suddenly turned to follow the direction it would flow. In another few minutes time, the creek opened up to a small clearing, where piles of rocks surrounded a frozen pool of water. A short distance from them, there was a woman sitting among larger stones. Her once light grey pantsuit was dirty and torn. Her raven locks were frizzy in the dry air of winter and tiny snowflakes collected amongst her curls.

                As they approached, Sam realised he recognised her. "Hadraniel?" He exclaimed as he moved around Cas and Dean. 

                Upon hearing him she turned to look, her sad onyx eyes, meeting his. Tears glistened on her cheeks and her full lips were parted, quivering with silent sobs.

                "Are you okay?" Sam knelt down in the snow and put a hand gently on her shoulder.  "What happened?"

                She issued a small cry as she fell into him and, wrapping her arms around his neck, she began weeping into his shoulder.  The snowfall that had collected in her hair created a small flurry around them. Sam put his other mammoth hand gently against the back of her head and held her. He looked over to Cas and Dean, compassion in his eyes.

                "I couldn't do it." She cried quietly into Sam's coat. "I couldn't stop him." Sam looked down to her, but as he was about to speak, she suddenly looked up. "I'm so sorry Castiel!" Hadraniel wailed.

                Castiel was taken back. Dean glanced at him as he stumbled through the snow to Hadraniel and Sam. "You didn't..." Cas started.

                "I tried to talk him down. I tried to make him see what he is doing is wrong." She wiped the tears from her cheeks. "But he wouldn't listen. He attacked me..." She choked back another sob. "He- he took my Grace."

                Shock came over the boys. 

                "Hadraniel-" Cas began as he took another step toward her and Sam.

                She raised a hand to stop him. "No Castiel. I wanted to help you. Nathaniel is a fool. He is overflowing with hate and anger." She looked down, pressing her forehead into Sam's chest. "Not like you." She whispered. She looked at Dean, then Cas. "You're so full of love..."

                Cas and Dean looked at each other.

                Dean's voice broke the sharp winter silence."You must be freezing. Let's get you back to the cabin."

                "That's a good idea." Sam agreed. He slowly moved, encouraging Hadraniel to sit up, then turned and offered his back for her to climb onto. "Come on, I'll carry you." Once she was on Sam's back, Castiel wrapped his trench coat over her and Dean passed her his hat and gloves. 

*** 

                When the group finally saw the cabin in the distance, dusk was already creeping up on them. They'd been out in the woods searching most of the day. They couldn't wait to get back and warm up again. Cas feared frostbite on at least his toes by this point. As they approached, the string of lights on the porch flickered on. They climbed out of the snowdrifts and onto the driveway where the snowfall wasn't as deep and Sam hunched down to allow Hadraniel to climb down from her perch.  With Dean in the lead, they naturally filed into a line to enter through the front door. Dean gave a small tap on it, before he opened it, to pre-announce their arrival. 

                "We're back!" He called as they entered. The light in the house was dim, but he could see the flicker of a fire in the living room. Dean removed his coat in the entry, then made a move for that room. Sam and Cas followed suit, with Hadraniel on their heels. Dean stopped short as he entered the room.

                It was obvious there'd been a struggle. Garth was nowhere to be found. Bess was sitting in one of the chairs, holding the baby and cooing. She looked disturbingly comfortable and out of place in the mess.

                "Bess?" Sam asked cautiously. 

                "Welcome back." She replied smoothly. Then she looked up at them, her eyes inky pools of jet black reflecting the firelight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> Snow snow and more snow! I love snow... probably cause I haven't had to live in it for about 15 years. xD
> 
> I wanted it obvious that Garth and Bess are really off the grid, hence the boys bringing supplies. Garth is still living a hunter's way of life, without the hunting bit.
> 
> *Inserts cute little Christmas gift wrapping flashback* ^__________^
> 
> Garth used to tell off Dean at every visit about issues between him and Sam. I thought it was important to note that Garth too has noticed the difference in him.
> 
> Everyone chats over dinner, while that element should be there, I preferred to feature the quality time after and the opening of gifts. When I got older, we always did it late on Christmas Eve, instead of in the morning on the day. Perhaps that's why it ended up like this... or perhaps because I wanted an excuse for the DeanCas gift exchange.
> 
> What did Dean give Cas? The world may never know. >.> Something from a convenience store. xD
> 
> I love featuring Dean taking care of Baby. I find it to be an important and prominent character trait.
> 
> Almost forgot to mention the hat research. xD I looked up what to call a beanie that has ear-flaps and found Ushanka as the top result. It wasn't the hat I was looking for, apparently we just call those ski hats, but I had to amuse myself by making Cas wear the Russian style head wear. Naturally, Sam wears a beanie... or tuque.
> 
> We're in a place with Moose, out in the woods... so I just had to include a Moose. xD
> 
> She must have been freezing and also had inappropriate footwear, because cold doesn't effect Angels... so of course Sam carried her. Poor Cas must be a meat popsicle at this point, but he knows his Grace will take care of any issues.
> 
> Originally I was going to have Cas be possessed out in the woods after getting separated, but scrapped it. Then it became Garth, but being a hunter, it didn't seem as likely he would be as susceptible... so Bess... here we are.
> 
> I should also note that the timeline working out so that this chapter happened on Christmas was 100%, no shit, a coincidence. Because this is my life. >.>


	18. YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys deal with the situation at Garth and Bess' place. When they return to the bunker, Sam tries to get everyone back into routine hunting, but Cas and Dean are otherwise distracted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3

 

                "We can make this really simple." Her voice was like velvet. "I just need that one." She pointed behind Castiel. Looking out from around him, Hadraniel was shivering. Whether from the cold, or from fear, was anyone's guess.

                "Well, that's not gonna happen so-" Dean began.

                "The baby Dean." Sam glowered, hands clamped into fists.

                Dean clenched his teeth, as if preparing to chew his threat.

                Cas stepped forward. "We can work this out." He held a hand out toward the Demon.

                Dean looked at Cas in surprise, a hint of fear showing in his emerald eyes. Next to him, Sam began to mutter an exorcism under his breath as Cas kept the Demon busy.

                "You're right, we can. Give me her!" The Demon whipped Bess' arm out in a violent point at Hadraniel again and baby Garth began to cry.

                "What do the Demons want with her?"

                "Let's just say, I'm 'for hire'." The Demon formed a smirk with Bess' mouth.

                Cas brought his eyebrows together as he looked down to the floor. _Nathaniel..._ "How about me instead?" Cas offered.

                Dean's eyes narrowed into slits. "Cas..." he menaced.

                Cas ignored him and continued toward the Demon. "You don't _really need her_ , do you?"

                The Demon considered a moment. "No. That's not the deal!" She screamed. "Her!" Baby Garth's wails took on a new pitch. 

                "Where the hell is Crowley when you need him?" Dean grumbled to no one in particular.

                Just then, the Demon cried out in pain, or maybe just anger. Sam's chanting had reached a high point and finally began effecting the corrupt soul. In an instant, many actions happened at once. As the Demon cried out, she lost control of baby Garth. Cas lunged forward and grabbed the tumbling baby before he could fall to the floor. Found out, Sam heightened his chant and increased the power of it. Dean took the crying baby from Cas and moved back a safe distance to protect him. Cas resumed a protective stance over Hadraniel, who had wrapped herself up as tightly as possible in Cas' trench coat, as if it were a shield.

                "Shut up! Shut up!" The Demon screamed. As if throwing something invisible, the Demon flicked Bess' arm out toward Sam and he flew through the air, crashing into the wall at the entry. Dean hollered Sam's name, but he was unable to help him, because of the baby.

                Cas picked up the chant right where Sam left off. "Omnis legio, omnis congregratio, et secta diabolica..."

                There was no break in the power of the spell over the Demon, but that didn't stop her from making a pathetic attempt to stop Cas. From behind him though, Cas heard Dean's voice join his chanting. The Demon grabbed Bess' head and hollered, as if it were about to explode. Sam regained his footing and joined the chorus of chanting. Within seconds, Bess' open mouth was filled with black smoke, pouring forth like a volatile poison. It smacked into the ceiling before coming down to the floor around her like ebony clouds. Suddenly, the floor appeared to be scorched by fire, as the dark cloud sunk through the floor boards, back to the depths of Hell.

                Sam cleared the room in just a couple strides and held Bess as she woke up. Giving Cas the baby back, Dean left the room to look for Garth. Hadraniel leaned gently against Cas' back and he thought, as he looked over his shoulder to her, perhaps it was out of relief. Once Sam calmed Bess, Cas brought baby Garth over and handed him to her. She fussed over the baby profusely. Cas then motioned for Hadraniel to have a seat on the couch and took the cushion next to her to comfort her. Sam remained in a squat on the floor by Bess and the baby, ready for anything.

                Dean returned from the kitchen. "No Garth. I'll check the bedrooms." He disappeared again, this time down the hall. There Dean found him, in his own room, tied to a chair and struggling.

                "Hey! Hey..." Dean knelt down next to him and removed the gag in his mouth.

                "It's got Bess Dean!" Garth let out a grunt as he fought the against the chair.

                 "Bess and the baby are fine. Stop moving, I'll get you out." Dean loosened the restraints.

                Garth rubbed his wrists and stood up. "You're sure, they're okay?"

                "Certain." Dean turned to go back to the other room. "Come on."

                As the pair entered the family room, Bess jumped up to greet them and her and the baby were enveloped in Garth's arms. Dean saw Sam smile, but then he noticed Cas and Hadraniel on the couch, immersed in quite conversation. He approached them.

                "Is she okay Cas?"

                "A little shook up," Cas' crystal blue eyes met Dean's leafy greens. "but she'll be okay."

                "That's good." He tried to smile at her, but his heart felt like it was being squeezed as he watched her rest her head on Cas' shoulder. Instead his voice continued, harsher. "You wanna tell us what that was all about?"

                "Dean." Cas replied flatly. "We're tired, freezing and I'm sure we're all hungry." He glared at him. "We can talk after..."

                Dean looked away from Cas' disapproval. "Yeah." As he turned for the kitchen, he spoke to Bess. "I got dinner covered for everyone."

If Dean thought Christmas dinner was going to be awkward, it had nothing on this one. With another mouth to feed, everyone was really crammed into the table now. At first, conversation was stagnant as everyone recovered from the attack. There was a short talk about the Demon finding its way back or reporting to Nathaniel, but what else could they do? No one could hurt Bess. The group discussed the possibility that Garth and Bess would have to leave, but Garth refused. They'd just gotten settled. He felt confident he could handle any issues that arose. No one dared bring up that he'd been gagged and bound by his own, petite, wife.

                Hadraniel explained that Nathaniel had beat her, then stolen her grace and banished her as a traitor. She did not know he'd sent Demons to recover her, and was unsure why he'd want her back after what happened. It seemed to everyone that it was just a coincidence she happened to appear near the cabin, however Dean speculated that the Demon may have known the location prior. There were too many questions without answers. However, Cas backed Hadraniel's claim that she didn't know Nathaniel was working with Demons. To Dean's annoyance, Sam agreed, having seen her behaviour at the warehouse in Wyoming.

                Bess invited Hadraniel to stay with her and Garth as long as she needed. Hadraniel was surprised, but grateful. She was too scared of the answer, to ask Castiel if she would ever recover her Grace. Dean protested once again, stating that the Demon knowing the location of the cabin puts everyone at risk, but Sam suggested they all get anti-possession tattoos as soon as possible. He noted Hadraniel will also need a match of Cas' tattoo as well, to hide her from Nathaniel and his group. Outnumbered, Dean removed himself from the conversation.

                After dinner, Cas and Hadraniel resumed their positions on the couch. Until she could get to a tattoo parlour, Cas offered to draw the warding on her. Turning her back to the group, she removed her suit jacket, unbuttoned the first few buttons of her shirt and lowered it off her shoulders. Cas gently moved aside her obsidian curls, exposing the smooth flesh of her back. As he carefully wrote out the Enochian spell across her shoulder blades, Dean sat on the floor across the room, attempting to ignore them by doing something on his phone. Sam conversed with Garth and Bess well into the night, but eventually everyone retired to sleep. Sam offered Hadraniel the guest room and stayed with Dean and Cas on the floor of the family room.

***

                The boys left the next morning after breakfast. Hadraniel seemed safe and happy. She had instantly taken to baby Garth and he, to her. She was the Angel of love, after all. Castiel smiled at them as he left. Sam of course, offered Garth to contact them anytime he needed anything. Garth promised he'd keep in touch, and hugged everyone tightly before seeing them off. Dean wanted to hug the Impala, when he saw he neither had to dust snow off her, nor dig her out.

                When they stopped for lunch on the way home, Dean shamelessly flirted heavily with the waitress, to Sam's annoyance. Whatever he was trying to do, it wasn't working. Cas just didn't seem to understand what he was up to. Instead, Cas cheerfully pointed out new dishes on the menu, which he hadn't tried. Sam decided he would just enjoy his salad. By the end of the meal, Dean had given up altogether.

                Before they knew it, they were back home at the bunker. They took on a new case nearby during the week and returned again, on the weekend. New Years Eve came and went. Cas had surprised them with party hats, noisemakers and party poppers he got at the nearby Gas-N-Sip. They watched the ball drop in Cas' room together, but Dean had fallen asleep from boredom before midnight. A few days passed and Sam found a case in Tennessee. They were there, twenty-four hours later, eradicating a banshee.

                It got on to mid-January and the snow that had followed them home in December had completely melted. The weather threatened new flurries the following week. Sam seemed to have slipped right back into routine, looking up cases day and night. Dean seemed preoccupied and was keeping to himself more so than usual. Cas however, had Nathaniel on the back of his mind, constantly. Why would he cast Hadraniel out, just to try to get her back? Maybe he realised he could use her against Castiel. When did he start working with Demons and why? Was there no one in Heaven who could see his plans? No one who would stop him?

                Castiel had a long list of questions, none of which had answers. He still didn't even know how or why he was on Earth, _mostly_ human. He tried to keep his grip on those things which he knew to be true. He'd been an Angel of the Lord. No... he still was, he still had some amount of Grace. He'd fallen to Earth somehow, for some reason. Nathaniel hated him for it and wanted him to suffer. Most distressing of all, he knew Nathaniel understood exactly how to do that, he just didn't know when, or how, he would.

                It was January eighteen, a Thursday, and Dean had spent most of it in his room. Over the last couple weeks, Sam and Cas had begun speculating what could possibly have his attention so frequently. That night, Cas decided he would try to talk to him about it, find out what he was holding so secret.

                "Dean?" Cas tapped on his door, but it wasn't set fully in the jamb and swung open a crack. There was no response from inside. Through the crack he could see Dean, laying on the bed. He pushed the door open just far enough, so he could slip into the room. Dean appeared to have fallen asleep while browsing on his phone. It was loose in his hand, the screen still illuminated.

                Cas crept over to the bed and looked down at it. It was open to a webpage about the Enochian alphabet. Cas carefully slid it out of Dean's hand. He pressed the little double square button in the corner and an array webpages fanned out on the screen. As he clicked each one, he saw pages about Angels, Heaven, meteorites, Enochian, Angelic symbols, fallen Angels... the pages went on and on.

                It had been so simple and so obvious. Dean has been researching what happened to Cas.

***

                The next morning, Sam and Dean had breakfast alone. They were used to Cas sleeping in most the time. As it turns out, he was definitely not a morning person. Dean nursed a cup of coffee, while Sam continued to do research on the unusual case he found in California the night before.

                "Ugh!" Sam slammed his hand down on the table.

                "What?" Dean did not look up from his phone.

                "I can't figure out what the heck is going on out there!"

                "Where?"

                "In California Dean!" Sam pushed the laptop away from himself, across the table in frustration. "I told you about it last night. Were you even listening?"

                "Oh. Uh huh."

                Sam crossed his arms. "I think we better head out there. There's definitely a case and it's gonna take two days just to get there."

                "Alright."

                Sam stared at Dean for a bit, then tried to see what he was looking at on his phone. When he couldn't, he let out a huge sigh. "I'm gonna have a shower. Wake up Cas soon."

                "Okay."

                Sam exhaled loudly as he got up and left the table.

                A few minutes later, Dean went to Cas' room and opened the door without knocking. As expected, he was still asleep. He flicked on the light and called out to Cas softly. When there was no response, he walked over and sat on the edge of the bed.

                "Cas?" He bent over him and put a hand on his shoulder. "We got a long drive today. Sam wants to head to California." He felt a slow steady breath as Cas' chest rose and fell, but otherwise Cas did not stir. "Cas..?" Dean began to panic. "Come on Cas, stop fucking around!" Another steady breath passed through him. Dean felt anger welling up in his chest. He rolled Cas onto his back. "Cas I mean it!" Dean became desperate upon seeing Cas' angelic face. His eyes began to well with tears, but he choked them back. He shook Cas' shoulders. "Cas? Cas!"

                Sam suddenly appeared in the doorway behind Dean, still damp and in nothing but his towel. "Dean? What's going on?"

                "It's Cas, Sammy..." Dean didn't bother to hold back his tears anymore. Silently they dripped down his cheeks. "He's gone again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> I realised I haven't included Demons or Crowley in this novel at all. I'd like to change that, but I don't see how Crowley works in this story line unfortunately, so I at least slipped a Demon and mention in there.
> 
> Originally, I'd written the sex of the Demon as, "it", but I really didn't like that. We don't know this Demon, or what sex they are, but being in Bess, I decided to change all the references to female.
> 
> I checked the Latin on the Superwiki and used the most recent version of the exorcism as used in the show.
> 
> I miss writing paragraphs of descriptions and details, now that there are so many characters interacting, the story is very dialogue heavy. I decided to show passage of time with descriptive paragraphs here, instead.
> 
> I wanted to make sure readers know, I haven't forgotten Cas' original issues or that Dean desperately wants to know why everything happened. Well, everyone is in for a surprise pretty soon...
> 
> I picked January eighteen, a Thursday, because, Angel of Thursday of course.
> 
> You know, I reckon Cas would be a morning person, but for this story, he's not. xD
> 
> I love the Sam and Dean breakfast dialogue actually. To me it's so, throwback typical of them.
> 
> Dean is finally starting to let down his emotional guards. Huzzah!


	19. GODSPEED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel goes on a journey. Dean tells Sam to go to California without him and as a result, finds out who is behind this whole mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3

 

                Castiel was in white room, no, a white space. There was no floor, no ceiling, no walls. He was just seemingly floating in a white space of nothing, but of everything at the same time. _Castiel._ A voice whispered in his head. To his surprise, the white somehow got brighter, as a glowing mist appeared before him. As it gently dispersed, it slowly revealed Chuck.

                "Hello Castiel." He said calmly.

                Castiel understood immediately. "Hello Father."

                "It seems a lot's happened in Heaven while I've been gone." Cas looked away, but Chuck knelt down to him. "It's okay Castiel." He put a hand under his chin and lifted Castiel's eyes to his. "You've done nothing wrong."

                "But I have-" Castiel began.

                "You did what you were told. Now, you've been human. You're allowed the privileges that come with it." Chuck stood and, without effort or control of his body, Castiel did as well. "Walk with me." In this, Castiel had a choice.

                He moved along briskly with God in the vast white everything. "Father, do you know why this has happened to me?"

                "I talked to your Garrison, if that's what you mean."

                "Who did this? Was it Zadkiel? Nathaniel?"

                "No Castiel."

                "You?" Castiel's blue eyes were bright and shining as he looked at Chuck nervously. Chuck laughed and shook his head. "Then who?"

                Chuck stopped. "It's not important who did it, but what you do with it."

                Castiel deflated a little. "You know how I've behaved, don't you?" He looked at what would be the ground.

               "Of course. I know everything that happens." Chuck bent at the waist and tried to look up into Castiel's eyes. "I want you to be happy." Castiel raised his head again suddenly. "I want you to enjoy life."

                "Really?"

                "Yes!" Chuck was enthusiastic now. "I've come to understand how wonderful it really is. How I wish I could take you to see the creations Amara and I have been working on!" He spread his arms wide, gesturing at the vast white something.

                "The Angels Father..." Castiel took a hesitant pause, but Chuck stopped and focused to hear him out. "They do not understand like we do."

                "Some do Castiel," Chuck looked solemn, regardless of his words. "but you have to understand, they don't see they're no different. They take sides, cause war. Have prejudice and hate. They think they are above these things..." Chuck looked down briefly. "Heck, even I used to think they were... but they're not."

                "I'm sorry Father."

               "No! That's just it!" Chuck looked cheerful again. "When I left before, I saw the world I created. Really saw it. When I returned, I thought I'd failed..."

                Cas looked at him curiously.

                "But I hadn't! There is a balance to all things. You have something very important you're teaching the Angels Castiel." Chuck wandered ahead a little. "Very important."

                "I do?" Cas' head tilted slightly to the right and one eyebrow raised.

                "Yes, free will." God stopped and turned to him. "There are many who are coming to understand... and of course there will always be opposition..." Chuck walked back to Castiel. "but I'm not going to be here to hold their hands forever. Amara and I have many exciting new projects."

                "What am I supposed to do Father?" Cas brought his eyebrows together.

                "That is the beauty of it! It's for you to decide Castiel."

                "But you have seen what comes of my choices Father!" Castiel threw his arms up. "How am I suppos-"

                Chuck put his hands on Castiel's shoulders as if to ground him, as he cut him short. "You've always done what you said you would. You took responsibility for your actions. You tried to do what you felt was right. No one can fault you that."

                Cas relaxed. "You really think..."

                "Yes, Castiel. You are my son and you are special, just like Lucifer was, but in a very different way." Chuck released Castiel's shoulders. "It's up to you to decide now."

***

                Sam entered the room holding his towel with one hand. "Dean?"

                "He won't wake up Sammy. I've tried."

                Sam stepped forward, cautiously. "Is he..?"

                "No, he's just unconscious, but-" Dean sniffled, "who knows for how long."

                "Dean... I'm sor-" Sam reached out to place his free hand on Dean's shoulder.

                "No! Don't say it!" Dean stood up and toppled the chair behind him at the desk. Sam backed up again. "Don't say it..." Dean's fists we're clenched, but he held back. "If you say it, then..."

                Sam pulled his hand back. "Okay Dean. I won't."

                Dean exhaled. "I'm not coming."

                "Huh?" The heat of the moment threw Sam off.

                "To California. I'm not coming." Dean looked back at Cas, lying peacefully on the bed. "I can't leave him here like this. What if he wakes up?" He paused. "What if he doesn't..."

                "I can stay too if you-"

                "No. It's alright." Dean turned to Sam. "You need to get on that case. You said something was off about it. It'll need the best."

                "If you're sure..." Sam hesitated.

                "I'm sure." Dean turned again to Cas.

                "Okay Dean." Sam slumped. "I'll get dressed and call some other hunters out that way. I'm sure I can find someone for back up."

                Dean didn't move. "Good idea."

                Less than an hour later, Sam reappeared, fully clothed. He had a duffle bag over his shoulder and another one in his left hand.  "Dean?"

                Dean was sitting in the chair at the desk now. He looked to the doorway. "Well, look at you..."

                "I can still stay Dean..."

                "Nah." He turned back to Cas.

                "If you wan-"

                "We'll be fine." Dean clenched his teeth and threw Sam the keys to the Impala blindly over his shoulder.

                Sam caught them in his right hand. "Alright. Don't worry about me either then, okay? I got Elliot meeting me out there."

                Dean looked up. "Who?"

                "Remember? Helped us with a Rugaru down in Mississippi?"

                "Oh." Dean rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah."

                "Yeah." Sam smirked a little despite himself. "I knew you'd remember."

                "Alright. Get out." Dean's voice was gruff and he looked at Cas as he waved Sam off.

                "I'll call you..." When Dean didn't respond, Sam turned and headed down the hall.

                Dean jumped when the bunker door slammed shut. Then, the only sound was Cas' breathing. Dean wasn't sure how long he sat and simply listened. He didn't know what else to do, what else he _could_ do. As long as he heard that sound, then there was chance Cas would come back. It seemed like every time they finally got close to each other, he was taken away again. As if some sick fate had made it impossible for them to ever be together. Of course, Dean didn't believe in fate... he'd kill Atropos and her sisters, if he had to.

                The hours of the day slowly ticked away. Dean didn't eat. He alternated between nodding off and over thinking. He thought about good times with Cas, which for some reason, always ended up in a memory of an argument between them. He passed some time researching again on his phone, trying to figure out how Cas got back and why he was passing out. He thought about the months he spent without Cas. The emptiness and loss he felt. The possibility that now, without Cas in his life, something would always be missing. He remembered all the times he prayed to Cas while he was gone and the resulting anxiety he felt while waiting for him to respond... to just, appear in front of him. Then he realised what he had to do.

                Desperate to help Cas, Dean took to his knees. "Look, I don't ask for much and I really need your help..." Much as he did for his brother after The Trials, Dean prayed to no Angel in particular, looking for anyone who would help Castiel. Anyone who could bring him back.

                Hours passed and Dean had taken up post on the hard wooden chair from Cas' desk again. Just as he was nodding off, the flutter of a bird's wings, jolted him awake.

                "What seems to be the trouble, sport?"

                Recognizing the voice, Dean jumped up. "What the hell are you doing here?!" He instantly took a defensive stance. "I thought you were dead."

                "It's what I do." Gabriel replied casually as he gave a small curtsey.

               "How the fu-" Dean saw Gabriel raise an eyebrow. "Never mind. What do you want?" Dean asked with aggravation.

                "Well... it seems my side project has gone awry." Gabriel tried to move closer to Cas; still lying on the bed.

                Dean blocked him. "You're not touching him."

                Gabriel held up his hand, index finger extended. "I should really probably check my handiwork..." He slowly curled his finger down to point toward Cas as he spoke.

                Dean thought he could detect a hint of sarcasm in Gabriel's voice. "What the fuck did you do?!"

                "I just wanted to give my little brother a present Dean." Gabriel smiled slyly.

                Dean looked down at Cas, once again unconscious. "And what a shit job you did."

                "Hey! I resent that!" Gabriel pointed his finger at Dean. "I did a great job. It was that dick Nathaniel that cracked it."

                "Cracked what?" Dean growled.

                "The seal I put on Castiel's Grace of course." Gabriel crossed his arms and breathed annoyance. "Before I sent him to you?" He tapped his foot impatiently.

                "What the hell are you talking about?" Dean glared at the Archangel.

                "Oh please!" Gabriel started pacing now. "He was being _so_ depressing in Heaven. So, when Zadkiel sent him to his paltry _time out_ , I figured I'd do him a favour." He turned to give Dean a look that said he was now in on some big secret.

                Dean narrowed his eyes. "What favour?"

                "Come on, let's be honest. You know what." Gabriel gave a telling smirk with a side order of wink. "We can see what is in your heart of hearts, Dean."

                Deans face went pale and his eyes wide as the realisation set in. Cas knew. Cas always knew. Every action, every word, everything Cas did ... he did while he knew. Deep down Dean always wondered, always thought it might be possible, but he was the king of denial. He could stuff his issues down into himself so far, even he didn't know what they were anymore, but he couldn't keep it from Cas. Cas knew what love Dean felt for him. Every inclination, every desire, every thought... Cas always knew.

                _He was so patient with me._

                Gabriel had continued talking during Dean's epiphany, "...the way I had things, he should have eventually remembered everything without issues, but Nathaniel... he's gone and cocked it all up." Gabriel gestured at Cas' current state. "Castiel is probably talking to dear old dad, right now."

                "He's not dead asshole." Dean scowled.

                "Of course not! But Angels don't have to be, to visit Heaven." Gabriel raised an eyebrow.

                "You mean he's- he's still..." Dean stared at Gabriel, opened mouthed.

                Gabriel just smiled impishly. 

*** 

                Castiel and Chuck continued through the white everything. In the distance, Cas could just start to make out a field in the white fog. As they neared, he saw a colourful kite floating around among the haze of white. The closer they got, the clearer the scene became, until Castiel could make out the colourful flowers. He felt a sudden sense of peace, but only for a moment. 

                "Soon, you must make another difficult choice Castiel." Chuck stopped on the edge of the field, where it met the white space.

                "Father?" Castiel looked at him in shock, his mouth slightly open, his eyes fearful. 

               "I can't tell you. Sorry." Chuck watched the man fly his kite for a moment, then turned back to Castiel. "Just know, I'll understand, no matter what you choose."

                "How will I know when I am to make this choice?" Castiel began to panic.

                Chuck led Castiel into the field and stopped short of a large rock at the centre. He turned to Cas once again. "Time's running short." Castiel stared back at him, tears welling in his eyes. He put a hand on Castiel's shoulder. "Have faith Castiel, you'll know when the time is right." Even though they had entered the field, everything went blindingly white again.

                In that moment, Castiel remembered everything clearly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> First time writing Chuck and I think it turned out too Lordly. I wrote him like the Angels and he just didn't speak that way. So I went through and relaxed his dialogue.
> 
> Cas, to me anyway, really seems to dislike himself and seems to feel depressed often. He doesn't think he deserves happiness, or anything really... he tried to stay in purgatory and "kill" himself that way. When he failed that, he even mentioned to Dean he may kill himself. In S11, a lot of fandom was upset he didn't get to "talk with dad" like Lucifer did, I kept that in mind here. I wanted Chuck to give Castiel comfort and confirmation that he is wrong, regardless of his past mistakes, he does deserve a life... and a happy one at that.
> 
> Wet Sam in a towel... yup. >.> That just kinda, happened.
> 
> Dean sends out a mass prayer from their most secret and protected spot... obviously not thinking clearly...
> 
> Also first time writing Gabriel. I've been waiting so long for this reveal! I pulled up his episodes to study his dialogue an mannerisms to write him better. I'm not sure how well on I got, perhaps not as snarky...
> 
> Godspeed is an instrumental song by BT, that came on shuffle when I finished this chapter. It seemed a fitting title.


	20. HEAVEN FORBID

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabriel leaves and we join Dean for Sunday afternoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3

 

                Dean choked the words out. "He's still an Angel?"

                "Uh... kinda." Gabriel quipped.

                "What do you mean, _kinda_?" Dean's patience was drawing short.

                Gabriel recrossed his arms gently. "Well, yeah. He's all still in there." He waved one of his hands at Cas on the bed. "I didn't take his Grace, I merely sealed it off from him."

                _Sealed? What the hell does he mean, sealed?_ "Wha-"

                Gabriel gave a little shrug and talked right over Dean. "And it was supposed to stay that way, until Nathaniel got his grubby hands on it. He would have been passably human."

                "Passably." Dean was unamused. His temper lost, he was shouting now. "You know, you can't just fuck with whoever and whatever you want!"

                "Nothing's ever stopped me." Gabriel smirked again, lifting his head a little in defiance.

                "Just go the hell away." Dean waved him off and turned to Cas.

                Gabriel raised his hand like a kid who wanted to ask to use the bathroom."It would be best if you at least let me check on him."

                "Oh, because you care so much!" Dean rolled his eyes.

                Gabriel threw both hands in the air. "I showed up didn't I!?" He moved toward Dean confidently as Dean turned to him again. "I don't see any other Angels here Dean! But congratulations on giving away the address of your secret base!"

                Dean opened his mouth, but said nothing. He relinquished the fact that Gabriel was right. He couldn't argue, no other Angels answered his plea and he'd been foolish to give away the bunker's location. He allowed Gabriel to approach Castiel. Gabriel touched two fingers to this brother's forehead and took on a serious look of concentration which Dean couldn't recall ever seeing on him before. After a few moments, Gabriel removed his fingertips.

                "He'll live."

                Dean waited a moment for him to continue, but Gabriel said nothing further."That's it? He'll live?" Dean's mouth was agape.

                "Yup." Gabriel shrugged. "Nothing I can do, but he'll be back."

                Dean puffed up defensively. "Back? Back from where?!"

                Gabriel smiled sheepishly.

                "From Heaven?" Dean was desperate for answers.

                Snapping his fingers, the Archangel disappeared.

                "Son of bitch!" Dean punched the dresser next to him. 

*** 

                He didn't even know what day it was when his phone woke him up. In his dream, he couldn't find it and it was incessantly ringing. Finally, the veil between sleep and wakefulness lifted and Dean realised his phone really was ringing. Annoyed, he answered without checking caller ID.

                "What?"

                "Dean?" Sam's voice came through clearly. "It's Sam."

                "Oh. Hey Sammy. " Dean rubbed his hair. "Sorry."

                "Did I wake you?" Sam sounded incredulous, given the time.

                "Nah."

                Doubt seeped through the speaker into Dean's ear. "Sure."

                Dean let out a grunt.

                Sam's doubt quickly became sincerity. "How's Cas?"

                Dean glanced over. "Still out cold."

                "No change?"

                "Nothin'."

                "I'm sure he'll wake up soon Dean."

                "Yeah." Dean rubbed his eyes.

                "I made it out to California." Dean could hear a woman's voice in the background trying to tell Sam something. Sam lowered the phone and spoke to her a moment. Dean heard the scraping sounds of the phone returning to his brother's ear less than a minute later. "Elliot says hi."

                Dean stared at Cas a moment, until he saw his chest rise and fall fully. "Tell her hey." He replied, absentmindedly.

                Having his brother's voice on the phone, was comforting. So as Sam explained the case and told Dean about the lead Elliot found, he finally took a moment to leave Cas' room. He shoved the phone into the crook of his shoulder as he reached the toilet. He made the customary noises of someone paying attention, as he took himself out and urinated for what seemed like a good thirty seconds. He was pretty sure Sam didn't notice from the other end of the phone, so he zipped up and wandered out of the bathroom without flushing.

                Dean realised just how long Sam could ramble on about research, given a chance, as he entered the kitchen and looked for food finally. He wasn't sure when the last time he had eaten anything was, but his body was making not so subtle indications that it was in a disagreement with him about the frequency of the requirement. Luckily, there was some left over take out in the fridge and, switching shoulders, Dean pulled it out and ate it cold at the table while Sam continued to fill him in.

                Dean was sure at least ten minutes had passed where he'd said nothing more than grunting noises, when Sam finally finished. Sam seemed to take no notice to Dean's unavailability. When Sam told him he'd call again later, Dean mumbled something in agreement and hung up. Leaving the now empty take out container on the table, Dean went back down the hall toward Cas' room. He peered in the door and watched Cas breathe again. Then, he sniffed under his arm and made a face at the odour he'd emitted.

                For the first time in possibly days, he decided to abandoned his post and made his way to his own room. He sat his phone on the desk and stripped naked, throwing his smelly clothes in a seemingly neat pile on the floor. He went back to the bathroom in his birthday suit, grabbed one of the fluffy towels with an embroidered Aquarian Star on it and left it near the shower. Then, he hopped in and turned the water on without testing temperature, just taking it as it hit him.

                Dean pressed his forearms to the tiles of the shower and bent his head down, closing his eyes. He let the hot water and steam envelope him. Water splattered off his shoulders and ran down his back, chasing the curves of his muscles the whole way. He knew it must've been at least two days, since Sam was now in California and well on the hunt. He tried to make a mental note to check the date when he got out. He sighed and held back the urge to break down. He wouldn't cry again, not again. Physically he was in the shower, but mentally, he was still back in Cas' room. As he grabbed the soap, he made an effort to focus on the task at hand.

                Part of him wanted to remain in the shower forever, so he would never have to feel again, but another part of him screamed at him to go check on Castiel. A conflicting feeling of hope he'd be awake when he returned and dread that he'd stopped breathing, passed through Dean. He forcefully shut the water off, as if the faucet had scorned him. He was angry at everything. He stood in the hot air a moment and tried to relax, before opening the door and allowing the steam to escape into the room.

                Grabbing the soft Man of Letters towel, he dried himself off quickly, dripping all over the bathroom floor. _Man, Sam would kill me if he were here..._ He could almost hear him. _I almost slipped on the floor Dean!_ He could see Sam's resulting 'bitch face' clearly in his mind's eye. He almost laughed, but as he looked up from drying his legs, he saw his reflection through the condensation on the mirror.  His normally vibrant green eyes, looked grey in the mist and reminded him of his mother. She was back with them for such a short period of time... He felt glad that, at least he was able to see her and Castiel meet.

                He dropped the towel on the floor and swiped it around with his foot in a pathetic attempt to mop up some of the water he'd dripped everywhere. He reached over and flushed the toilet before exiting the bathroom. Back in his bedroom, he pulled on a t-shirt and jeans at random and shoved his phone back into his pocket. He couldn't lie to himself about the urgency he felt to return to Cas' room. When he arrived, Cas was still lying on the bed as he'd left him, breathing steadily.  The hope in Dean forced him to call out to him involuntarily.

                "Cas?" His voice was weak and quiet. There was no response from Cas.  He sat again in the hard wooden desk chair and resigned that the only meaningful way to pass large blocks of time now was sleep. He put his bare feet on the end of the bed, folded his arms and leaned back. 

*** 

                When he awoke, Dean remembered to check his watch. _6:46 pm, January 21st._ Somehow, he'd lost all of Saturday. Cas had been out for almost 3 days. Another rise and fall of Cas' chest accompanied Dean to the kitchen. The take out container he'd left on the table that afternoon had already started to give off odour and small bugs were flying around it. _How do they even get in the bunker?_ Dean threw it at the bin in aggravation. He opened the fridge again. There was nothing to eat, that he wouldn't have to cook first. He removed a beer from the door. _Liquid dinner._ He made his way back to Cas' room, beer in hand.

                The beer was at Dean's lips as he entered the room again, mentally prepared for the worst. He took a swig and as he lowered the bottle, he noticed that Cas' eyes were open. The bottle effortlessly fell from his hand, spilling the remaining beer all over the floor in the doorway. Luckily, it didn't shatter.

                "Ca..s?" Dean was stupefied.

                Cas' voice was weak. "Hello Dean."

                He couldn't move. He wanted nothing more than to go to Cas, he'd waited so long, but in the moment he was paralysed with shock.

                "What happened?"  Cas stretched under the covers.

                "Y-you never woke up."

                Cas was still dazed. "What?"

                "I came in to wake you. Sam wanted to head to California... but-"

                "Sam is gone?" Cas sat up, causing the sheets to slip off his bare chest.

                "Y-yeah."

                "You stayed with me?" Cas titled his head, quixotically.

                "I..." Dean rubbed the nape of his neck. "Yeah."

                Cas' eyebrows came together. "What did you do?"

                "Uh, mostly I slept... but Gabriel was here." Dean gritted his teeth.

                Cas was suddenly more alert. "Gabriel?"

                "Yeah, turns out he's not dead." Dean rolled his eyes. "Again."

                "What did he say?" Cas' voice was sober.

                "He took credit for this." Dean scoffed. "He told me he wanted to give you a _present_."

                _A present_... Castiel considered the meaning of this. He knew that, while a pain in the ass, Gabriel was well meaning when it came to Heaven and the Angels. He wanted the best for his family. He stayed out of the wars and conflict as much as he could. Castiel felt certain Gabriel probably never meant for Nathaniel to become so hostile, because of his actions. Surely, he didn't know Nathaniel would react like this. 

                Dean had finally moved closer, he was standing at the side of the bed now. "Cas?"

                The sound of Dean's voice brought him back again. "Sorry Dean. It's been a long... how long has it been?"

                Dean sat on the edge of the bed. "About 3 days."

                For Castiel, it was as if each day had been an hour in Heaven. He felt it was impossible that he'd been gone so long.

                Dean spoke again in Cas' silence. "Where have you been Cas? Are you okay?"

               "I spoke to Father. I think I'll be fine now Dean." Cas smiled at him lightly. "I remember everything. Very clearly. It is as if I was never gone."

                "Gabriel said-" Dean swallowed. "Are you..." He took a breath. "An Angel again?"

                Cas' smile disappeared. "No, I'm still human Dean. Father fixed what Nathaniel did and re-sealed my Grace. 

                "But how can you be, when-"

                "I am as human as I was last time." Cas drew up his knees under the sheets and leaned on them. "Before, when Metatron took my Grace from me."

                "Why would Chuck do that?"

                "He said, he wants me to be happy." Cas smiled again.

                Dean made a face. Admittedly, something about Castiel seemed different. He was more relaxed somehow.

                "I don't want to regret another day Dean." In one clean motion, Cas shifted and leaned over to Dean. He wrapped his arms around Dean's neck. Dean couldn't react from the sheer surprise of the embrace.  After a minute, Cas leaned back again to face Dean. He locked onto Dean's jade eyes for a brief moment. Then, closing his own, he pressed his lips to Dean's softly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> Gabriel totally didn't have to snap his fingers to leave, I just like when he does that, seems snarky.
> 
> 30 seconds may not seem like a long pee, but did you know that all mammals regardless of size average 20 seconds? =P
> 
> Nope, Dean didn't wash his hands... eww.
> 
> Originally I wanted Sam and Dean to have a full conversation and go over what Sam found in California... but I saw the perfect opportunity to finally get into Dean's head, so I had to take it.
> 
> Sam's loss at noticing how distant Dean was being does bother me, it seems a little ooc... however he could just be distracted by his case.
> 
> Both Dean and Cas have just sat/laid in that room for days... they haven't done much to get gross, but hey, he should shower anyway. He hadn't changed clothes either, I mean, come on... I swear it wasn't just a gratuitous Dean naked scene. >.>
> 
> Strangely, I quite liked the Men of Letters towel design in my head. xD Fluffy white, like luxurious nice towels in a hotel, but with a brown embroidered Aquarian Star and border at the bottom of one end.
> 
> I don't know what will happen to Mary come the end of Season 12. Since this is written when the timeline of Season 13 would happen, I wanted to leave the fact that she's missing very open to options. Maybe she's just out on her own, maybe she died again, who knows?
> 
> Liquid dinner seemed so Dean to me. xD
> 
> This chapter was supposed to end with Cas waking up, but this ending was great too.
> 
> Gabriel will never die! =o
> 
> I realised that Cas was being healed by his Grace, even before Nathaniel cracked the seal. Sorry... I'm not fixing that. Assume he can still be very slowly healed by it, since it does still exist within him. The fact that he can not willingly tap into it, is what makes him fully human. He can die, if the injury is severe enough.
> 
> Cas is about to do some very un-canon Cas things, so I required Dean to acknowledge that he seems very different now for us.
> 
> The name of this chapter was changed when this song by The Fray came up on shuffle today. The previous title of this chapter is more appropriate for the next chapter, to which it was actually originally assigned.


	21. TAKE ON ME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We spend Monday and Tuesday with Dean and Cas, picking up where we left off...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3
> 
> *THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS DESCRIPTIONS OF SEXUAL ACTS AND IS SOMEWHAT SEXUALLY EXPLICIT*

 

                Dean's eyes remained wide and open at the affectionate gesture from Cas. His heart was racing, but he didn't know what to do. He was frozen in place. It felt like time had stopped, but in reality only an instant had passed. Suddenly, Dean felt relaxed and he slowly realised he was naturally reciprocating Cas' kiss. It felt like magic, like everything he'd ever dreamed it would be. He closed his eyes as he lifted his hand and placed it against Cas' neck, he wanted him closer, as close as he could be.

                For a brief moment, he caught himself wondering how Cas had become such a good kisser. Perhaps some people just fit together. As he felt Cas' soft tongue massaging his, he also noticed his own arousal pressing uncomfortably against his jeans. Dean's inhibitions were completely lost now, he pressed forward on Cas, forcing him to shift and fall back onto the bed. Neither of them had said a word or come up for air. Years of waiting, of tension, were being unleashed and nothing would stop them now.

                 As Dean pressed onto Castiel, he could feel Cas' manhood pressed up between his groin and thigh. In a natural response, Dean's hips thrust against Cas gently. Cas had moved to kissing along Dean's neck, as Dean leaned over his shoulder, simply trying to keep breathing. As Dean felt Cas' hands undo the button of his pants, he let out a guttural sound. He could tell from the movement of the breath against his skin, that Cas laughed a little. Cas licked Dean's ear lobe then whispered, "I love you", before he took Dean into his hand. The words raced around in Dean's mind. Over and over and over again. He was overwhelmed with sensations... so much so, he was physically panting now. Regardless, he lifted himself up a little and after momentary eye contact, pressed his lips to Cas' again, hard.

                Dean wanted Cas to feel how he was feeling. He moved his hand down and pressed it to the form in Cas' boxers, impressed. He stroked him gently once, as he slowly pulled away from Cas' grip. Cas looked at him expectantly. Dean moved down, stopping randomly to plant stray kisses on Cas' abdomen and groin, as he removed Cas' boxers, freeing him from their confines. Dean smiled devilishly at Cas before he licked the length of his shaft, then thrust the full size of him, into his hot, wet mouth. Cas had never felt anything like that before and he couldn't help the sound he emitted. He could feel Dean's small laugh due to his success.  Cas moaned breathlessly as Dean pleasured him. He gripped the sheets and couldn't help thrusting upward as he climaxed in Dean's mouth.

                Dean licked his lips, then crawled back up to Cas' level. Cas was breathing hard, but they affectionately kissed again. Dean was still incredibly aroused and felt Cas take him into his hand again. Dean took that as a signal that Cas wanted more. From this moment on, Dean knew the rest of his life would be nothing like it ever was before. He leaned down to kiss Castiel again. He couldn't wait. 

***

                Cas and Dean spent the next entire day in Cas' room. They left only for the essentials and Dean made food when they got hungry. While Dean made breakfast, Cas took a quick shower. Cas never recalled a day spent without ever putting any clothes on and he felt strangely free. He'd never seen Dean so happy before either... or so talkative.

                Dean made it difficult to watch anything on Netflix. If he wasn't trying to simply talk to Cas about anything at all, he was laughing, smiling, and generally vying for Cas' attention. It was as if Dean was a new animal. It wasn't that Cas' minded, quite the contrary, he adored Dean's affections. He just wasn't sure they completed a single episode of any show without interruption. 

                A few times, Dean fell asleep throughout the day and Cas took these opportunities to get back at him. At first, he would simply watch him sleep. Little did Dean know, it had already been a bit of a past time for Cas on quiet nights in the bunker when he was an Angel. He tried to read a little once, but he couldn't resist Dean. He was finally his. Dean started to become accustom to waking up to the pleasures Cas offered.        

                They passed the entire day in the comfort of each other. For twenty-four hours there were no monsters... nothing Supernatural and no big bad to go after. It was just them. The final time Dean fell asleep that day, Cas was too exhausted to wake him. Instead, he snuggled up next to him and held him as he too, fell asleep. He had the best night's sleep he'd ever known.

                Dean was nowhere to be found when Cas woke up the next morning. He finally decided to take leave of his room. He'd only seen his four walls and the nearest bathroom for more than a day. He pulled on his boxers and a pair of navy trousers, then went to leave, stepping in the sticky beer pool on the floor in the doorway by accident. _Ugh.. oops._  He rubbed the bottom of his foot on his pant leg, then made his way down the hall, following the smell of bacon and eggs. As he came around the corner, he saw Dean in jeans and an apron at the stove. He was just finishing up plating breakfast, obviously intending to bring it to Cas in bed. Cas smiled to himself,  before breaking the moment.

                "Morning Dean."

                Dean turned around abruptly, luckily not holding any food. "Cas!" He managed to make something clatter loudly anyway.

                Cas chuckled and made his way to the table. "Here is fine."     

                "You know Cas, I meant to tell-" Dean began.

                But Cas stopped him. "You don't have to Dean."

                "I want to. No more regrets, remember?" Dean sat a plate of bacon, eggs and toast in front of Cas.

                "Thank you."

                Dean smiled and set down his own plate, before going back for coffee. After removing the apron, he brought back the whole pot and two mugs. He poured Cas a cup, then himself and sat across the table. "I should have told you sooner."

                "I understand." Cas poked the yolk of his egg with his fork and it spilled all over his plate like golden lava.   

                "I didn't... and we've missed out on so much-"

                "We didn't miss out Dean." Cas took a bite of egg.

                "But we could have been-"

                Cas pierced through him with his blue eyes. "I was _always_ going to be here."

                Dean looked down. "You weren't though." The words slipped past Dean's lips in instant regret.

                _Same old Dean_. "We both know I couldn't have stayed away forever Dean." Cas smiled.

                Just as Dean was about to reply, his phone began ringing in the pocket of his jeans. Dean sat silently staring at Cas. The ringing seemed to be offering Dean some alternate reality, where if he answered, the last two days would not exist.

                Cas held his fork up to his mouth, but didn't take the bite. "Are you going to answer that?" Cas noticed Dean still hadn't touched his breakfast.

                "Huh?" Dean blinked. "Yeah..." He pulled out his phone and looked at the caller ID. It was Sam. He swiped the circle on the screen.

                Cas could hear Sam's voice clearly in the excellent reception provided by the bunker. "Dean?"

                It took Dean a second to answer and all he managed was, "Sam."

                "Dean, I've been trying to call you since yesterday." Sam's voice sounded urgent and he bombarded Dean with questions which he'd been waiting on answers. "Is everything okay? What's going on? How's Cas?"

                Dean still felt like he was in a dream. "Cas?" Dean looked up and saw Cas stuff his fork into his mouth finally. "Fine. Cas is fine."

                "Dean, what?" Sam sounded confused. "Is he awake?"

                "Yeah."

                Cas reached over the table and gently took the phone from Dean. He was met with no resistance. Cas didn't hear what Sam was saying and simply spoke over him. "Sam?"

                Sam instantly shifted gears. "Cas! How are you?"

                "I'm good Sam. How is California?"

                "Good, we got the problem taken care of."

                "Good." Cas was still looking at a seemingly catatonic Dean.

                "Actually, I'm on my way back already. I tried to call Dean to let him know yesterday. I'm in Colorado." Sam cleared his throat. "I should be home tonight."

                "Okay Sam, I'll let Dean know."

                "Is he alright? Is... everything alright?" Sam sounded sceptical.

                "Yes." Cas smiled through the phone. "We'll fill you in when you get back." Cas said goodbye, ended the call and placed Dean's phone on the table top. Dean still hadn't touched his food. "Dean?"

                Dean looked at Cas, his racing mind now present all over his face. "Cas..."

                "What is it?" Cas titled his head a little as he peered at Dean.

                "What do we do now?"

                "What do you mean?" Cas took another bite of his breakfast.

                "I heard Sammy. He's on his way home." Dean's fingers played with the edge of his fork, refusing to pick it up.

                Cas lifted his mug and took a sip of coffee. "Yes."

                "What do we tell him?" Dean eyes were wide with worry.

                "It'll be okay. Sam already understands." Cas took a bite of toast.

                "He- he does?" Dean was incredulous.

                Cas smiled. "Yes. Eat your breakfast Dean."

***

                Dean and Cas' spent a portion of the afternoon cleaning up Cas' room. Dean scrubbed at the sticky puddle of beer on the floor, as Cas removed the sheets from his bed to put in the wash. There were dishes lying on most the surfaces of the room, which Dean piled up and carried off to the kitchen to be washed later. If he didn't get to it in time, it wouldn't seem unusual if they were at least in the sink. Cas was fitting fresh sheets to the bed when Dean returned. He took the pile of dirty sheets and, grabbing the clothes he'd discarded on the floor of his room Sunday, Dean made his way to the laundry. Cas' room began to resemble the way it was before the weekend.

                Just after Dean had pulled off the jeans and underwear he had on to wash those too, Cas appeared with his dirty laundry to add to the mix. He eyed Dean off gratuitously as he handed him his clothes, then removed his own trousers and boxers to add in as well. Dean had nothing to hide his continued interest in Cas now and to his surprise, Cas suggested they should probably shower again, then turned and left the room. Immediately, Dean understood what he was insinuating and rushed to throw some detergent at the washer and turn it on.

                When Dean arrived at the bathroom, the water in the shower was already running. There were two fluffy white Men of Letter's towels on the floor.  He stayed in the doorway and watched Cas, who seemed to have not noticed he'd caught up yet. The glass on the shower had just started to fog up from the heat of the water and Cas was still somewhat visible. Dean watched in awe as the water cascaded down the glorious body before him. The body he'd been invited to share. The body, which after all this time, he was finally able to have.

                He stepped into the bathroom, so excited it hurt a little. He opened the steamy door, and Cas leaned out of the water and looked at him, droplets falling from the tips of his hair and running down his face. Cas smiled coyly at him and Dean couldn't help himself. The heat of the water didn't matter, he couldn't feel it, everything was just Castiel. The door slapped shut behind him as he pressed Cas to the wall and kissed him savagely, madly, as if this were possibly the last time he ever would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> I did not start this fic with any sexual material in mind. I have not written sexual material before. I do know however, I did not want it to get raunchy and over the top, not only, because that simply wouldn't fit the style of this fic, but because I simply don't write that way. (I suppose I could try later, in a different fic on purpose, but not here.) I thought it was important to show the love between Cas and Dean through the act and the urgency provided by their long wait to consummate.
> 
> I learned that apparently I prefer to allude to the events a little bit. Heh.
> 
> I realised "He couldn't wait" was a bit of a double entendre. I meant it as though Dean can't wait for his new life with Cas to start.
> 
> I felt it was important to include down time and show the changes to the relationship and to Dean. For character development, as well as the simple fact that they enjoy each other so much.
> 
> I thought it was natural that Dean would feel like he could lose this happiness at any moment. That going back to how life was, would somehow strip him of this new found part of his life. I also thought it was very important to include his feelings regarding Sam on the matter, and his worry and concern that Sam may not understand his relationship with Cas now. Dean never knew Cas and Sam talked about it and I think he simply isn't tuned in enough to others to notice Sam's encouragement.
> 
> I didn't mean to make Cas kinda just push Dean's worry aside, but I'm concerned his last dialogue reads that way... I'm not sure what I can do to change that at this moment, but know it is not intended for him to seem uncaring, just that Dean is worrying unnecessarily. I think I meant to convey a little naivety to worrying about something like that, having been an Angel, he may not understand why anyone would think anything negative of it.
> 
> I'm happy with the chapter overall, (all the more reason to worry about it xD) as well as, really happy with the wrap up on this one. =)


	22. SO HAPPY TOGETHER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam comes home, character development ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3

 

                Dean was doing the dishes, while Cas searched for cases, when Sam got home that night. Cas pulled out the secondary laptop and grabbed a snack, planting himself at the table in the kitchen, facing Dean. Stripped of his powers entirely and living at home in the bunker, Cas had completely given over to humanity. He'd decided this time, he really would be a hunter too.

                He'd watched Sam and Dean take on cases for enough years to know the basics. Everything they'd taught him in the last few months was also coming in handy. With Sam driving home, he knew there was no way he would be looking for a new case.  This was his opportunity to show the boys he could be useful. He could find cases and hunt too.  He was determined this would be his new life now. This is how he would be happy. This, would be his new life with Dean.

                As Dean scrubbed the dishes by hand, he glanced at Cas from the corner of his eye occasionally. Watching Cas shove another orange cheese curl into his mouth, Dean thought perhaps he should get Cas to start joining him for his workouts. He did notice Cas had this adorable bit of belly pudge developing. Smirking to himself with a quiet half laugh, Dean figured since, as an Angel, Cas had not needed food, his newfound love for it made sense. He remembered last time Cas was human and his love for PB&J. It was the sandwich Dean made him the day he remembered purgatory and wouldn't leave his room. 

                As Dean slotted the last plate into the drying rack, then grabbed the nearby towel to dry his hands, the bunker door slammed shut. He heard Sam's voice call out his arrival.

                "Hey guys! I'm back!"

                Dean called back that they were in the kitchen and as he was hanging the towel back on the hook, Sam entered the room. He dropped his duffle bag when he saw Cas.     

                "Cas!" Before Cas could turn all the way around to face him, Sam had made it across the room with his huge strides and enveloped him in a giant hug from behind.

                Cas couldn't help smiling in response and Dean realised as he watched the embrace, that he could count the number of times Cas had smiled as an Angel, probably on one hand. He too smiled at the scene and reveled in the thought that in just the last two days with him, Cas had doubled or even tripled that number. Sam finally released Cas and whipped a leg over the bench seat, straddling it as he sat down next to him.

                "Good to see you up and about Cas." He glanced at Dean then back to Cas. "We were really worried about you." As if he had something to apologise for he added, "I asked Dean if I should stay, but he-"         

                "Alright Sammy." Dean interrupted as he came over and sat down across from them.

                "It's okay Sam." Cas placed his hand on Sam's right shoulder for a moment.

                "So, did we learn anything new?" Sam looked again from Cas to Dean, and back.

                Cas removed his hand and replied. "I spoke to my Father. He corrected the damage Nathaniel did to my mind and restored my memories. I shouldn't black out again."

                "That's a relief." Sam looked again at Dean, pointedly.

                Dean cleared his throat. "Yeah. Well, Gabriel showing up didn't help me any."

                Sam's mouth fell open in shock. "Gabriel?! But he's-"

                Dean cut him off. "Not so much. Not dead, as usual." Dean looked at Cas. "But he is to blame."

                Sam's eyebrows came together as he waited for Dean to continue.

                "Gabriel took credit for Cas' situation. Said he sent Cas here..." Dean trailed off a moment. _For me, he sent Cas here... for me?_ Dean cleared his throat again. "Made him human. He was his typical unhelpful self, then just left."

                Sam's thoughts raced on his face. "How did he surviv-"

                "Who knows?" Dean interjected. "Anyway, he's gone now."

                There were too many questions arising from this for Sam to keep them all straight and get them all out in time. "Dean..." Sam started cautiously. "How did he find the bunker?"

                "Well..." Dean looked nervously at Cas for some kind of help, but Cas didn't really understand and just stared back, slightly tilting his head. "I- um, I might've prayed."

                Sam smiled kindly at Dean, but realised the repercussions immediately. "You know what this means right?"

                "Gabriel wasted no time pointing it out." Dean grumbled.

                "So have you warded the bunker then?" Sam raised his eyebrows.

                Cas finally spoke up again. "We will Sam. You just got back, why don't we all relax for a bit?"

                Dean jumped on that bandwagon. "Have you eaten Sammy? We haven't had dinner yet. I was just about to cook something."

                "No. I'll go unpack and have a shower while you cook then." He slapped Cas on the shoulder as he got up from the table. "Good to see you Cas. Really." Sam gave Cas a knowing look, then glanced at Dean. He frowned as he turned away and picked up his bag, thinking about what would have happened to his brother, had Cas not regained consciousness.

***

                Dean's door was closed as Sam made his way down the hall. Peeking in Cas' room, everything looked typical. He dropped the duffle bag on his bed and pulled off his clothes, tossing them at the laundry basket he'd added to his room. He went down to the bathroom in his underwear and immediately noticed the two towels in a pile on the floor. He eyed them suspiciously as he grabbed a fresh one and placed it near the shower door.

                He kicked the door to the tiny bathroom shut with his foot, as he opened the glass door on the shower. Flicking on the tap, the water kicked on full force. He let the glass door slap shut again without getting in and pulled down his shorts as he made his way to the toilet. After relieving himself, he flushed and turned, taking in the towels on the floor again. Smirking to himself in wonder, steam filled the bathroom as he got into the hot shower.

                In the kitchen, Cas pushed the open laptop aside as Dean brought him the pile of potatoes he offered to peel. Cas took up the peeler and ran it gently across each one, as Dean turned on the heat under a cast iron griddle plate on the stove. Dean basked in the domesticity of it all and possibly for the first time, found himself truly wishing for something beyond the hunting life. He knew he could either never tell Sam, or never make fun of Sam for it again.

                He thought back on his time with Lisa and Ben, now strangers, who had no idea who he was. This felt just like those times, but maybe now he didn't have to worry about the Supernatural. This time, Cas was already in that life with him. Maybe they could make this work. Maybe they could balance their relationship and hunting, as they always had. Things didn't have to get weird, right? Didn't have to be so different. As he worked it out in his mind, Dean didn't feel like he was trying to justify anything, he actually felt strangely certain that he was right.

***

                Over dinner, Sam explained the unusual case in California. As it turns out, it was their very first case of a Baku and even with what had happened with Cas, Dean was still pissed he missed out. Sam explained that apparently a woman's son had summoned it... and kept summoning it. Luckily, it hadn't killed the boy, but suddenly local kids were going into mysterious comas. Initially, Sam thought perhaps they had another Soul Eater on their hands, but when that came up empty, Elliot came across a lead in her research. They found that the Baku had taken too much liking to devouring the children's dreams, that it stopped taking just nightmares and began to prey on any dreams. Not inherently an evil being, the Baku wasn't taking enough to kill them, however the damage was done and the only fix Sam and Elliot saw, was to kill it. When the spirit dissipated, the local kids were released from its spell and slowly each one woke up.

                Shortly after Sam finished his explanation, an excited and proud Cas pulled out the secondary laptop to show them the case he'd found. There was a slew of strange deaths plaguing a small town in Virginia. No suspects had been found, but best police could do was consider that they may have a serial killer. However, Cas noticed that the victims all disappeared from the same place, at the same time. It seemed suspicious enough to him. Ever encouraging, Sam praised his effort and thought there could be a case to check out. As if it was required to balance life, Dean showed scepticism, but agreed they should check it out too, just in case. Satisfied with a job well done, Cas took his unfinished beer and excused himself to his room. Dean watched him go, longingly.  

                "He seems really good." Sam took a casual sip from his beer.

                "Yeah." Dean also took a sip of his own, as if to prevent the requirement for more words.

                "How'd things go while I was gone? When did he wake up?" Sam sat his beer down now and leaned on the table to settle into the conversation.

                "Uh, boring really. It was a long wait." Dean took another swig as he chose his words. "He woke up on Sunday I think?" Dean knew exactly when he woke up, to the minute.

                "And Gabriel... what the heck?" Sam crinkled his eyebrows and gave a one sided grin as he shook his head.

                "Yeah. What a pain in the ass." Dean lifted his beer again, but it was empty now. He sat it back on the table.        

                "So... he's one of us now huh?"

                "Yeah..." Dean picked at the label on his empty beer bottle. "Chuck uh, Chuck told him to be happy."

                Sam smiled. "He seems happy." After a short pause he added, "You do too Dean."

                Dean looked up. "We're uh, yeah. We are." He looked at the ripped beer label. "I don't know what we are." He mumbled.

                Sam leaned forward and down, trying to regain Dean's eye contact.  Dean could feel the motion and leaned back, abandoning his empty bottle. He folded his arms defensively. Sam leaned back again. "Did something happen?"

                Dean hesitated before speaking. "I-" He shifted uneasily. "I really care about him Sammy."

                "I know Dean." Sam replied gently. "I do too. He's like a brother to me."

                "I've never cared about someone this much, except you. And of course, mom and dad." Dean looked up across the table into Sam's eyes. "This is, this is different though Sammy. There's something else about Cas." Dean seemed to relax a little, now that'd he'd said it out loud.

                Sam smiled at his brother. "I understand Dean. I can see it between you and I'm happy for you." He couldn't stop a small laugh. "Honestly, I've been kinda waiting for this for a while now." He picked up his beer again.

                Dean unfolded his arms and grabbed the bench to stop himself from falling off. "You have?" He looked somehow offended.

                Sam gave Dean an amiable look. "It's obvious there's been something special between you two from the start." He took a sip from his beer bottle.

                Dean could say nothing, but instead stared at a nondescript spot on the table top, lost in thought.

                "Well," Sam stood up and grabbed his beer. "I'm gonna go see what else I can dig up about that case Cas found."

                Dean looked up at Sam through the fog of his mind. "Okay."

                "Maybe we can head out tomorrow or so."

                Dean appeared to be a million miles away. "Right."

                Sam chuckled, then turned and left the room.

                Dean sat at the kitchen table for a while longer, lost in his own mind. He'd gotten up after Sam left and grabbed a fresh beer. As he drank, he mulled over the events of the last few days. He couldn't imagine a better time in his life than right this moment. Sammy was home safe, there was no big bad Supernatural event or creature trying to end the world and Cas, Cas loved him.

                Dean got up and dropped his, now empty, second beer bottle into the recycle bin Sam had insisted on getting. He made his way down the hall to his room and opened the door. Just as he was about to step in, he noticed he could hear the tv from Cas' room. Leaving his door ajar, he instead made his way further down the hall. He stood outside Cas' door, considering. When he heard Cas' laughter at whatever he was watching, he smiled to himself and knocked.

                Cas' muffled voice replied for him to enter. The familiar Angelic face beamed at him as he came in through the doorway. Without a word, he smoothly closed the door, then removed his boots quickly. Dean slowly approached the bed where he was sitting. Cas, who'd completely forgotten whatever he'd been watching, opened his arms to welcome Dean silently. As he laid on the bed next to Cas and was enveloped in his tender embrace, Dean felt as though he were in a dream. He put his head against Cas' chest and heard his heart, beating softly. Cas felt Dean sigh and in response, he leaned down to kiss Dean's hair. Dean couldn't remember feeling this safe and loved, since he was little boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> After writing this Chapter, I realised that what I love so much about reading versus tv an film, is that you get that inner-monologue not always offered by the latter media types. You can really get into a characters psyche.
> 
> Cas is *so* eating a cheeto-like snack on purpose...
> 
> Again, this is another Chapter of 100% required character development. Dean and Cas have moved to a stage beyond what canon currently offers... so I'm doing my best. ^^; I feel this Chapter is stronger than the last one I noted was simple character development too.
> 
> More gratuitous undressed Sam for those who want it. xD Honestly, I think people do a lot of their thinking while doing mundane things like showering and exercising.
> 
> The all important conversation between Sam and Dean. Sorry to make Cas just wander away... This had to happen though, super important. I didn't think Dean capable of just flat out and telling Sam he loves Cas and I didn't think Sam would be too overburdening in his replies. He's typically a neutral mediator, so I think this worked out.
> 
> Dean gets stuck in his head thinking about a lot of things I didn't highlight toward the end there. Sam's instant acceptance for one, the regret that he lost time being afraid of this at all, which he told Cas about in the previous Chapter, what the future may hold... these kind of things. As we can see though, he finally feels content with his life and joins Cas in his room.


	23. THE BATTLE OF EVERMORE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next day the boys head out to start Cas' case. Naturally, shit goes down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3

 

                In the morning, Sam dragged himself down the hall to the kitchen still half asleep. He'd thrown on some sweats and a t-shirt and his hair was a disaster, complete bed head.  _Maybe I should have taken a break to sleep..._ After Dean didn't answer his phone, Sam panicked, wondering what was going on back at the bunker. He'd driven the whole way back in one go, no stopping to rest. 

                He scratched his hair and yawned as he passed the closed door with a metal seventeen on it, his socks, scooting across the smooth floor of the bunker with a light swishing sound. The door to room eleven was ajar as he passed by. Subconsciously, he took in the room through his peripheral vision.  After two more strides he stopped, taking in what he'd just seen. Stepping backward, he looked in through the doorway again.

               Dean's room was spotless. It was typically tidy, but it seemed untouched. The bed was perfectly made up and clean. There were no clothes from the week strewn on the floor or his desk chair. Sam crossed his arms and pondered a moment. He looked back to the closed door down the hall, light catching the shiny seventeen. Sam raised an eyebrow and dropped his arms. He looked again into room eleven and grinned. Turning, he continued on his way to the kitchen.

                Dean had left old coffee in the pot again, so Sam dumped it in the drain, then scrubbed the glass container clean. He set the pot on its base and started a new brew.  Sitting at the kitchen table, he grabbed one of the old newspapers which were laying at one end to bide time, having forgotten his laptop back in his room. He'd gotten in a couple hours of research on Cas' case before sleep overtook him the night before. Unfortunately, it hadn't yielded much new information. He couldn't find any links between the victims, they seemed chosen at random. The only thing unusual was what Cas already pointed out, one person per month disappeared from the same place, at _just about_ the same time at night. He knew they'd have to head out there to investigate.

                When the coffee pot beeped, Sam crumpled the old newspaper and threw it into the recycle bin on his way to get a mug. For a moment, the only sound in the bunker was the splash of his coffee hitting ceramic. Sam heaved a big breath and leaned against the counter, mug in hand. Things were looking up for once. He had a feeling things would be different from now on. Sam smiled at his coffee, thinking about Dean. He was thrilled his brother was finally happy. Cas had always been a typically good influence on Dean, he had a feeling this relationship would only lead to better things.

                As if he were still capable of hearing Sam's thoughts, Cas appeared in the doorway wearing one of the grey, embroidered, Men of Letters robes. "Good morning Sam." 

                Sam tried to hide his surprise at Cas' atypical attire. "Hey Cas." He resisted the urge to make a comment eluding to how Cas' night might have been." I looked some more into the case you found yesterday."

                "Oh?" Cas had grabbed a mug for himself and picked up the pot next to Sam to pour some coffee. 

                Sam couldn't tell how Cas felt about him continuing his research, he had considered it may hurt Cas' feelings, but he took the chance. "Yeah, inconclusive." He took a sip of his coffee to feel Cas out, but Cas didn't reply, just looked at him while swirling the coffee in his mug as he'd probably seen Dean do before. "Seems we'll need to head out there." 

                Cas lit up like a Christmas tree. "Great!" 

***

                After breakfast, everyone took turns cleaning up and packing up. Sam and Dean loaded the Impala and Cas threw his one bag on the backseat. The drive to the small town of Salem, Virginia would take 18 hours. As usual, Sam had to convince Dean to stop for the night in Indiana. Otherwise, the ride was one of the most joyful road trips in a long time. The journey was full of laughter. Over meals, they conversed about what others would consider boring domestic topics, for once there was no need to do any research on the case while eating. In West Virginia, they lost an hour explaining to Cas why there were roads you had to pay for, in order to drive on them.

                They arrived late Thursday night, Dean pulling off the freeway and taking a left onto Main Street. They passed a sign indicating the next town over. "Roanoke?" Dean looked at Sam. "Salem and Roanoke? Really?"

                Cas stared at them, brow furrowed, head titled, waiting to be filled in on what the joke was.

                Sam gave a little laugh, "Guess so Dean."

                Dean continued past a huge cemetery surrounded by every type of car dealership you could imagine. Just past the railroad tracks, there was a motel, with conveniently placed fast food restaurants next to and across from it. It was Dean's kind of place, so he pulled the Impala into the drive. Getting motel rooms had become a bit of trick, now that Cas had to sleep too and they ended up booking adjoining rooms again. Sam immediately excused himself to the first room with a sly grin, leaving Dean and Cas to take the other.

                In their room, Dean threw his duffle bag on the bed closest to the door and wandered over to the bathroom after a long drive. Cas set his bag next to the other bed and sat down. The digital alarm clock on the table glowed with the numbers 9:36. Late, but still early. Cas removed his shoes, then began unbuttoning his pressed white dress shirt, when Dean returned from the bathroom.

                As Dean walked by, he pulled off his t-shirt. "You know, we should really get you some other clothes." He threw the shirt onto a chair at the small table near the doorway.

                "Why?" Cas stopped undoing buttons and looked down at himself. "I feel comfortable in these." He looked back up at Dean, earnestly.

                Dean came across the room and knelt on the floor next to Cas, who was still sitting on the bed. "I think you'll find there are others even more comfortable." The green of Dean's eyes glimmered, even in the dim light of the cheap motel lamp. "Or maybe even more so, nothing at all?" Dean offered, as he leaned forward toward Cas, grabbing his shirt at the buttons where Cas left off. 

                "Well I-" Cas started before Dean grabbed his bottom lip with his own mouth, giving a little suck on it, before moving into a full open mouthed kiss. 

                Cas could feel Dean, taking his time undoing each of the remaining buttons on his shirt. He made a quiet muffled moan around the kisses and grabbed the waist of Dean's pants, flicking his belt from the loop and undoing the buckle. Dean finished with the buttons, flicking Cas' shirt off of his shoulders and interrupting Cas' work, to get him to allow Dean to remove it completely. As Dean began kissing Cas' shoulders and chest, Cas forgot what he'd been doing before. Dean undid the button and zip on Cas' trousers, a relief for which Cas was grateful. Suddenly, to Cas' disappointment, Dean stopped and stood up. However, Dean then undid his own pants and let them drop, displaying his own enthusiasm. He turned his bare ass to Cas for a moment and rummaged through his bag on the bed. He returned with a bottle of Astroglide, which he dropped on the small table between the beds, as he kicked his pants off his ankles and, almost literally, jumped back to Cas.

*** 

                The next morning, the trio started the hunt after breakfast. They did the usual rounds; interviewed the families and friends of the victims under the guise of FBI agents and visited the park where the disappearances occurred, pretending to be from another branch of government concerned about park safety at night. Still, they came up empty handed. None of the victims had any notable relation to each other. There were no security cameras set up to record at the park where the disappearances occurred. The only information they still had to go on, was the relation of the time and place of the disappearances.

                That night in the motel room, Dean flipped through the articles about the victims that Sam had pulled up on the laptop for him. A third set of eyes on a nearly clueless case. "So, the most recent death was January 17th." Dean clicked to another page, then another. "December 18th, November 18th, October 20th, September 20th, August 22nd. Any of these have anything in common?"

                Laying on the bed Dean had chosen the night before, Cas looked up from his phone. "They're around the same time of the month." He offered hopefully. 

                In unison, Sam and Dean seemed to realise a possible connection. As Sam started going on about moon cycles in lore, Dean was already pulling up an online chart. "16th of February." Dean stated flatly. 

                Cas looked over at Dean and Sam stopped pacing as he spoke. "Huh?" 

                "That's when it's gonna kill again, 16th February." Dean pointed at the screen. "That's the new moon."

                Stumped, everyone was silent for a moment, then Cas spoke up. "Maybe we can find it. It must be somewhere when it's not hunting."

                "That's a good start Cas, but first, we have to figure out what _it_ is." Sam replied as he went to sit across from Dean at his laptop.

                The three of them settled in for the night to research, after all, they seemed to have plenty of time before the next disappearance now. At one point, Dean took a break and ran across the street to a convenience store and got snacks and beers. Hours passed, chip packets and food wrappers littered the tiny table in the motel room. Empty beer bottles were beginning to pile up. Then, Cas cried out happily.

                "I've got something!" He climbed off the bed and brought his phone over to Sam and Dean at the table. They abandoned their research and turned to him. "This creature, similar to a werewolf, fears both the sun and moonlight. It only comes out on the new moon." 

                "That's great Cas... what is it?" Sam asked.

                Cas grinned. "A Manticore."

                Dean almost spit out his beer. "A what?" 

                "Manticore." Cas repeated. 

                Sam had already done a quick search of the creature on his laptop and began reading from the page. "The Manticore is a large lion-like creature with sharp teeth and claws. They often have wings and a scorpion-like tail, or a tail which shoots barbs at its prey. The sting of a Manticore is certain death, as it is coated in a heavy poison. Many Manticore have dragon-like wings and instead of stinging their prey, they may swoop down from above. Some reports of Manticore detail those which have the face of a man and are capable of speech." At this point, Sam stopped and looked up at Cas, then to Dean.

                "Great." Dean said lifelessly, flopping back in his chair. "Okay, how do we kill it?" 

                Sam looked back at the screen in front of him. "Um... it doesn't say. It uh, it says it's fur is impenetrable?" Sam offered, eyebrows raised. 

               "What the hell are we supposed to then? Can't shoot it, stab it, or remove its head..." Dean began to get frustrated. 

                Meanwhile, Cas was reading the lore on his phone. "The mouth." Sam and Dean looked over at him again. "It says here, the only weak spot is the mouth." Cas looked back at them helplessly.

                "So, can I shoot it in the mouth?" Dean asked impatiently. "Does it need silver bullets like a werewolf?"

                Sam checked his article, then looked up again at Dean, his hair falling over his eyes. "There's nothing Dean. Maybe use them just to be sure?" He rubbed his head, ruffling his hair further and returned to researching.

                "We've got time before the next disappearance. We'll figure this out." Cas encouraged, his Angelic face pleading with Dean.

                Dean sighed. "You're right Cas." He turned back to his laptop and continued his research as well. 

*** 

                Saturday morning they leisurely ate breakfast and discussed the plan for the day. They'd come to the agreement that since the creature hated both sun and moonlight, it would need to hide somewhere dark. Cas suggested the sewer system and that was where they would start. Sam got maps of the sewer under the area where the disappearances were occurring from online and they were going over it one more time at the table. To Dean's annoyance, Sam continued to stress repeatedly, that they should stay together. 

                They hadn't found any further weakness in the Manticore, other than to note that the only thing resistant to the poison was an elephant, but they weren't sure how that could possibly help. They had a full supply of weapon choices in the Impala's trunk, but Dean still stuck with shooting it in the mouth with a silver bullet. Sam decided to take a cross bow. If it should have poison spines it could shoot from its tail, he guessed they wouldn't get too close to it. In contrast, Cas elected to take a long blade sword, which just made Dean worry. 

                Sam lead the way down the sewer opening and dropped to the floor with a splash. _At least it's a storm sewer..._ Cas followed next, with Dean protecting the rear. With a vague idea of what to expect, they marched quietly through the network of tunnels. Just as Dean was opening his mouth to complain again, Sam shushed him. 

                "Do you hear that?" Sam turned to look back down the darkened tunnel, his hand still in Dean's face.

                "No." Dean grumbled.

                Sam turned and glared at him. "Shh."

                Underneath the sounds of dripping water and rats scurrying was a larger sound. A shuffling sound. The possible sound of something larger moving, somewhere down the tunnels.

                "I hear it as well." Cas confirmed.

                "Come on and keep it down." Sam finally dropped his hand and Dean rolled his eyes.

                They trudged forward in the damp and dark tunnel, Cas manning a flashlight, shining it at every opening. After a short walk, the beam of light reflected off something in the tunnel ahead of them. They quickly made out two glowing, green orbs in the darkness, shining like laser pointers. Sam froze and put his arms out, stopping Dean and Cas. Slowly, the shape before them grew out of the deep black space.

                It was taller than Sam and almost as wide as the tunnel itself. It had large paws and walked in a kind of hunched over way, as if it only half used its front legs for movement and could possibly walk on two legs given the space. It had no wings, but around its head was a thick mane of hair, much like a lion would have. They could hear something dragging behind it on the ground as it sauntered forward and Sam' assumed it was the tail. Its face was humanoid, but looked more like a cat than a man. Sam wondered if he'd be able to talk to it.

                Dean had raised his gun upon seeing it, waiting for a clean shot. Cas held is grip on the torch, but found his other hand wandering to the sword on his back. He had not worn his usual trench coat, so that it would not hinder him in the fight. Gradually the three of them found themselves slowly backing away from it. All at once, Cas drew the sword, dropping the torch, as Sam lifted his crossbow, but both were deafened by the shot Dean took. The gunfire reverberated through the tunnel and the noise was soon joined by a massive howl from the Manticore.

                As Dean watched, the beast lowered its undamaged head back down to look at him, as the slimy, blackish-green, giant tail came up and loomed over its shoulder. It had a massive ball on the end with a stinger, just like a scorpion would have. Sam prayed this meant it did not have the ability to shoot barbs at them. Before they had much time to think, the monster lunged for Dean in retaliation. Sam shot the tail which knocked it back, but the arrow just bounced off. A wide swipe at Dean, knocked him back down the tunnel, his gun clattering somewhere on the ground. Cas cried out for him and turned to see if he was moving. Sam ducked a second swipe and grabbed the torch while he was down. He scrambled back from the Manticore, following Cas, shining the light.

                Cas knelt down to Dean's side, as Dean groaned in pain. Somehow, the Manticore's claws hadn't gotten him, but he was sure his ribs were bruised from the sheer impact. Meanwhile, Sam used the torch to locate Dean's gun and took aim at the Manticore. He took a shot, using the torch as a sight. The bullet struck the Manticore in the left eye and it exploded in pus and blood, destroying the orb. The monster roared in pain and clutched its face, making it seem almost human for a moment. After recovering from the repeat gunfire, Cas turned just in time to see the Manticore's tail, swiftly making its way toward Sam's chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> I haven't written a lot from Sam's perspective in Chapters upon Chapters, so I'm happy to be here. =P
> 
> As usual, I looked up drive times and directions to the case location. It was actually going to be Roanoke, VA, but I saw little Salem next door and moved it, as the boys are usually in smaller towns. There really is a Salem next to a Roanoke, Virginia.
> 
> There really is a toll road there too, I thought, I haven't had a lot of good old, 'confused about humanity' Cas in this fic.
> 
> Dean, voicing the wardrobe change desires of the many...
> 
> Then I threw in some love, because, love. (Yeah, it had to be Astroglide. xD)
> 
> I adore when the nerdy smart Dean comes out.
> 
> Cas, giddy like a little kid by helping on the case. ^__^
> 
> Manticore have not been referenced on Supernatural to my knowledge. I again wanted something new that they can deal with. Most the time the show has stuck to monsters that can be portrayed by humans, but I'd love to see the VFX team kick out a Manticore personally. The banshee was great! Last night's hellhounds... I think they're up for it! =P
> 
> There was a lot of lore on Manticore, most of it contradictory, so I chose my personal favourite aspects, which made the most sense to me, to come up with my Manticore.


	24. DUST IN THE WIND

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We pick up where we left off...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3

 

                As Cas heard Dean cry out Sam's name, he took action. He picked up the sword he'd dropped when he knelt down beside Dean. Just before the barb could make contact with Sam, Cas used the sword to slice the whole ball and barb right off the end. The Manticore screamed with rage once again, as the poisonous ball bounced across the sewer floor.

                Sam looked at Cas incredulously. _What the hell sword did he choose?_ Cas took a moment to grin at Sam about his accomplishment, to which he was rewarded with a backhand to the chest from the Manticore, sending him flying into the wall. Cas' head hit the wall with a crack, the sword fell to the ground with a resounding clank. The Manticore was on all fours now, approaching Sam, who was almost flat on his back in the tunnel. As Sam crawled quickly backward, toward Dean, his hand hit something on the ground.

                It felt wet, but rough and kind of scaly. As he moved his palm about, swiftly inspecting it, he noticed it was large and round. _The stinger!_ He grabbed it just behind the barb with his huge hand and as the Manticore roared and lunged forward for him, Sam swung it around, shoving the barb into the Manticore's open mouth. A semi-clear yellow substance filled the gaping cavity as the barb pierced through its tongue and into the back of its throat. Sam scurried away backward again to avoid the poison.

                Shortly, blood began to pour from the Manticore's mouth and throat, turning its cries into gurgles. It finally fell to its side, recumbent. Its body began to convulse as if it were having a grand mal seizure. Sam had moved far enough back now, that he'd joined Dean and the pair of them could only stare in shock. In a matter of moments, the creature went still and began to shrivel up, taking on a mummified look. Cas came to and lifted himself up from the wall, rubbing his head. He took in the scene before him and, after looking in on Sam and Dean, approached the creature.

                "Cas!" Dean called, but he was ignored.

                Cas touched its now grey and shrivelled looking foot. In an outward pattern from that spot, the body began to turn to ash, until the Manticore was nothing but a pile of soot on the floor of the sewer. The trio stared in silent awe, the only sound was everyone's laboured breathing.

                "Holy shit!"

                Dean looked over at Sam, surprised by his outburst.

                Sam cleared his throat. "Well... it said the only thing immune to the poison was elephants, so... I guess that's what it does to Manticores." Sam smiled with half his mouth at Dean.

                Dean raised his eyebrows, then looked at Cas. Looking back at the pair, Cas just smiled too and gave Dean a shrug. Dean sighed, then fell back onto the soggy sewer floor with a groan.        

***

                Back at the motel, everyone took well deserved showers. When Dean came out of the bathroom after his, Cas noticed the horrible yellow and purple bruise that was already forming along his right side.

                He approached Dean, his hand hovering, trying to decide whether or not he should touch him. "Dean, that looks really bad..."

                Dean gingerly put on a shirt. "Don't worry about it. Besides," Dean turned back to Cas slowly. "You aren't looking so hot either."

                Cas looked down at his own chest, where there was a small yellowish spot developing from the Manticore backhanding him into the wall. "That's not so bad, it's this headache that's worse."  Cas began buttoning up his shirt resolutely.

                "Here." Dean threw him a bottle of aspirin from his duffle bag. "Only take _two_." He winced and tried not to let on that he'd just strained his side from the action.

                "Thanks." Cas looked at the bottle curiously. He remembered a time Dean told him to take the whole thing. That had been when he was still an Angel though.

                In the other room, Sam got cleaned up as well. He came out of the fight relatively unscathed, but horribly dirty. He took his time in the shower, considering both Dean and Cas would also need time to clean up. _A Baku and now a Manticore?_ Sam wondered if something was going on in the monster world. With the Angels hunting now too, maybe there was a decline in the Supernatural finally, making the cases more rare species.

                Sam hunched under the low motel showerhead. His long hair matted against his neck as the water rained over him. Considering the reports from Elliot when he met up with her in California, it didn't seem like there were less Supernatural beings to go after. She said she'd been just as busy with Vampires, Werewolves and Ghosts as she'd ever been. More and more hunters were becoming aware Angels were out there now, luckily she hadn't encountered any. Before he left, Sam filled her in on the best of his knowledge to help her, should she encounter any, _unfriendly_ , Angels.

                Sam shut off the water and stood in the shower for a moment, considering. When he stepped out, he dried himself the best he could with the scratchy motel towel. He was so big, he usually ended up using two when they were this cheap. Afterward, he pulled on a t-shirt and jeans, then repacked his bag. When he was certain he had everything, he knocked on the connecting door.

                Cas had gone in the bathroom for water to take the tablets, so Dean went over to the connecting door. Upon opening the it, he let out a guffaw. "Nice hair Sammy. You look like a drowned rat."

                "Yeah, ha ha." Sam replied, unamused.  He pushed past Dean and into the room. "I was thinking we could head back tonight, it's still pretty early."

                "Yeah, that'd be alright." Dean didn't want to seem too eager, but he felt like he'd been hit by a truck and it would be nice to be home as soon as possible.

                Dean resumed packing his bag and Cas came back from the bathroom, watching him closely. It was obvious Dean was in a great amount of pain and trying to hide it. For a brief moment, Cas wished he was an Angel again, so he could heal Dean and spare him the suffering. "Let me help." He tried to assist Dean in packing his bag, but Dean wouldn't be treated like an invalid.

                "I got it Cas." He replied gruffly, grabbing the clothes from Cas' hand and shoving them messily into his bag.

                "At least let me carry it for you." Cas offered.

                Dean gritted his teeth. "I'm fine Cas, I can do it."

                 They continued to argue and Sam gave up, heading to the motel office to return the room keys. Shortly after he returned to the Impala, Dean appeared, followed by Cas, who was carrying both duffle bags. Dean stopped a moment and opened the trunk for Sam and Cas.

                Cas handed Dean's bag to Sam and watched as Dean went around to the driver's seat. First, Dean tried gripping the roof as he attempted to crouch to get in, but then Dean's hand moved quickly to his right side as he let out a grunt. Cas had come around to get in the back on the passenger side, but stood at his open door, watching Dean helplessly. "Dean-"

                "I'm fine Cas!" Dean growled, clutching his ribs.

                When Sam slammed the trunk closed and came to the passenger's side, he saw what was happening. "Dean." Sam refuted, "You can't drive like that."

                Dean was finally seated behind the wheel, but left the door open. "Yes I can Sammy." He put his hands purposefully on the wheel at ten and two.

                Sam leaned down and spoke to Dean through the open passenger window. "Move over Dean, I'm driving." Dean glared at him.

                Cas got into the back of the car. "Dean please. Let Sam drive. You're in no condition."

                Dean huffed and looked at Cas in the rear view mirror. Cas' blue eyes were wide with concern and Dean softened a little.

                Sam was at the driver door now. "Come on Dean, slide over."

                "Fine." Dean acquiesced. "But _he's_ not driving." Dean glared into the rear view mirror, where Cas looked affronted. "He doesn't have the experience to drive a car like my Baby." Dean rubbed the dash, before gently sliding over on the seat.

                Sam sat down and just silently shook his head. Cas crossed his arms, pouting, and looked out the window as Sam pulled away from the motel.

                They made stops than usual, mostly for Dean to get out of the car and move around a bit. To his pretend distaste, Cas had taken to helping him in and out of the car. Dean was just grateful he could at least enjoy a burger at dinner. They got a motel later that evening in Illinois. Even in the bed by himself, Dean didn't get much sleep. It was near impossible with the pain throughout his right side and ribcage.

                The trio pulled into the garage at the bunker late Sunday night. Tired and beat from the fight with the Manticore, paired with the travel, duffle bags lined the floor around tables in the war room. No one wanted to bother unpacking. After Cas dropped his and Dean's bags, he scrambled back up the metal stairs to help Dean down. Sam left Cas to it and said goodnight, heading to his room to try to catch up on sleep, still fatigued from skipping a night earlier in the week. After reaching the landing, Dean hobbled down the hallway to his own room, Cas on his heels.

***

                Dean lay cuddled up on his left side next to Cas, the only light in the room, the soft glow of something playing softly on Netflix. They'd been laying quietly like this for probably an hour, Cas watching whatever show was playing. Dean was having trouble sleeping again from the pain, so Cas stayed up with him as best he could. Dean was sure Cas had drifted off a couple times, but when he woke again, he acted like it never happened.

                Unsure if he was asleep, Dean slid his fingers across the muscles of Cas' chest, then felt Cas' bicep flex as he tightened his arm around Dean's shoulders in response. Seemingly out of the blue, Cas spoke.

                "We should tell Sam." He adjusted so he could kind of look down at Dean.

                "Huh?" Dean slid back a bit, so he could look up and meet Cas' eyes. They looked a bit grey in the dim light.

                "About my Grace, Dean." Cas' face was stern, even though the light from the TV was creating an irresistible gold sparkle in Dean's green eyes. 

                "Oh." Dean looked down again and snuggled gently against Cas.

                "Dean."

                Dean released a breath. "I don't see why he needs to know. Chuck said you're as good as human."

                "We don't know what will happen Dean. Before he got back, we agreed not to ward the bunker, because it may ward me."

                Dean continued to stare inattentively at the TV. "And we don't know that for sure!"

                "Perhaps we should have tested it. What if Sam decides to ward it himself?"

                Dean shifted and made a grunting sound.

                Cas was unsure if it was discomfort, because of his ribs, or what he was saying. "Dean-"

                "He won't."

                "You can't know that." Cas replied quietly.

                Dean didn't respond, so Cas lifted his hand and softly stroked the hair above Dean's ear. He heard Dean sigh, which made him smile. Unfortunately, the sigh caused Dean to wince in pain again. Cas eyed the cloth on the dresser which had a zip bag of water in it now. He gently started to move away from Dean, so he could get up.

                "Where you going?" Dean accused.

                "I thought I'd get more ice." Cas had gotten far enough away now, to sit at the side of the bed. "For your side." He continued, looking at Dean over his shoulder. 

                "Oh." Dean tried his best not to look ashamed. "Thanks."

                Cas rose from the bed and quietly made his way to the kitchen in the dark. It was after 3 am and he didn't want to wake Sam. He poured the tepid water from the bag into the kitchen sink, then grabbed fresh ice from the freezer. Wrapping the bag back up in the cloth, he took the bundle back to his room for Dean.

                As he padded down the hall. Cas considered the outcomes of not protecting the bunker. If Angel warding did banish him because of his retained Grace, then what would they do to keep Nathaniel and his cronies out? He considered, for Sam and Dean's safety, that he may have to leave his home again. Perhaps he could stay with Garth and Bess. In that case, he considered that he could also check on how Hadraniel was doing as a human.

                It wasn't a bad plan, but he knew Dean wouldn't let him leave. This time, he seemed determined to put everyone at risk, if it meant keeping his family. Cas would have to stay. There was no way he could just leave without telling Dean, not after everything they'd been through, even  if he thought it was in Dean's best interest. He knew they'd moved past that behaviour now.

                Back in his room, Cas gingerly placed the icepack on Dean's side. Dean put his hand over it to hold it in place, so Cas turned to the desk, grabbing the aspirin and glass of water Dean left on it earlier that night. With a grunt and help from Cas, Dean sat up and took two, then lay back down against the pillows, on his back.

                "Thanks Cas." Dean smiled at him weakly.

                "You're welcome." Cas leaned down and kissed Dean on the forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> We'll never know what sword Cas chose. I just knew I needed one. Haha I thought of having the stinger cut off and Sam stabbing it into the Manticore from the get go, I just needed to make it work. Thankfully, only the fur was impenetrable in lore.
> 
> I completely made up my own death for the Manticore, simply because the lore didn't actually have one. The reason it turns to ash is, because I didn't know what else they'd do but leave a random Manticore body in the storm sewer and... I just can't explain that. Haha
> 
> I can see Dean so clearly in my mind, exasperated and laying back down on the sewer floor annoyed.
> 
> The middle of the chapter is mostly character development, but also reminding us that Dean is still good old Dean.
> 
> Sam's part in this section was originally only a couple sentences, but that felt really short and unfair.
> 
> I don't know why Dean is so mean about Cas driving, it just felt right somehow... maybe he's seen how he drove the pimpmobile and now his stolen truck... heh.
> 
> The last part of the chapter is to allow Cas and Dean more time together, to develop their relationship. However, it also moves the plot forward in a very Supernatural way, keeping secrets.
> 
> Originally I wasn't going to let the reader in on their secret from Sam so obviously either, but it made sense to do so and seems very fitting to the typical use of drama in Supernatural. To not address it would have possibly left lots of room for questions later.
> 
> For this chapter I researched Dean's injury, bruised ribs, as far as treatment, recovery options and recovery time.
> 
> Originally, this chapter continued for a little longer, so if it feels like it ends abruptly, that is likely why. I didn't feel the additional content added anything necessary to the story.


	25. THE SOUND OF SILENCE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three weeks pass as Dean recovers. Sam and Cas have been going on cases and leaving him at the bunker, but this time, things don't go according to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3

 

                The first week of Dean's recovery was complicated... and grouchy. Cas barely got any sleep at all. Sam still found cases and reluctantly, but at Dean's insistence, Cas went with him on a couple, leaving Dean at the bunker to fend for himself. Week two was smoother. Dean wasn't wincing or groaning quite as much as he had been, so Cas let up a little about Dean not letting him help. It was the start of week three in Dean's recovery and he was considering joining them on a case, but Cas had been putting up a fight about it.

               That morning Dean was having breakfast in the common room, going over news stories on the laptop in preparation, when Sam entered the room to get Cas.  As Sam crossed the room hesitantly, as he could tell from Cas' posture against the table, that he was arguing with the seated Dean before him.

                "Please Dean." Cas was practically begging. "You need more rest. Your ribs are still bruised."

                Dean didn't even look up and Sam figured they'd been going at it a while. "I can handle myself Cas."

                "What if something happens? What if you're attacked?" Cas appealed for Dean's attention. "You'll be further injured."

                Dean made a sound that said he obviously wasn't going to entertain that idea, just as Sam came up next to Cas.

                Cas looked up to him pleadingly.  "Sam, you know I'm right."

                "Well, you're not wrong," Sam smiled, "The extra rest wouldn't hurt you Dean." He folded his arms, towering over Dean's seated figure.

                Dean finally looked up and threw his hand out at Sam, looking appalled. "Why are you taking his side?!"

                Sam put his hands up and stepped back. "Hey, there are no sides here, just what's best for you."

                "You can still help with the case Dean." Cas offered. "You can research here. We'll call you if we need-"

                Dean cut him off, muttering. "Whatever." He sat back again, skulking in defeat.

                Cas continued anyway. "We'll be back later today. The case is local and-"

                Dean cut him short. "Yeah." He picked up his empty plate and stormed off.

                In the kitchen, Dean could hear the muffled sounds of Sam consoling Cas. Whatever he said must've staved him off, because the next thing Dean heard was the bunker door opening, then slamming shut. _Didn't even bother to say good bye!_ Dean threw his dish at the sink. Luckily, it didn't shatter.

                He knew the case was only a couple hours out. Whether consciously or not, Dean returned to the common room and his research. He lost track of time looking into the details of the case, his phone face down on the table beside him. It vibrated and he picked it up.

                The screen told him almost 3 hours had passed since Sam and Cas left without another word. He noticed the reason for the vibration was a text from Cas. It was an apology, asking Dean to call him, but warning he didn't have much time before Sam got back. Dean ignored it and sat the phone down, releasing his breath in a whoosh as he leaned back in his chair again. He wasn't mad at Cas, but he wouldn't let him off the hook so easily.

                The phone skipped across the surface of the table in little jolts as it vibrated again. Dean eyeballed it for a moment, considering whether or not to pick it back up. In his deliberation, it vibrated a third time. He gave in and reached for it, more messages from Cas, more words. As he held the phone in his hand, it went off one last time.

                "I love you."

                Dean opened the messages properly and dropped the cursor into the text box, so that it was probably leaving those annoying reply dots on screen for the other party. Just as he was about to begin typing a message back, there was a loud noise from the war room next door. Startled, Dean dropped the phone on the table, the message for Cas still open, but unfulfilled.

                As the familiar tall red-headed figure made his way into the common room, Dean stood up, the chair flying away from him with ferocity. He realised, safe in his home, he was dismayingly under-armed for this type of invader.

                Nathaniel spread his arms wide, as if offering a friendly hug to an old friend. "Thanks for the prayer invitation Dean."

                "It wasn't for you." Dean growled.

                He made a show of looking around the room. "Where's your rogue Angel?"

                "Not here." Dean leaned heavily on the table. "I guess you'll just have to come back later, dick."

                "Smug and overconfident as always I see." Nathaniel leaned in and grabbed Dean under the chin.

                Dean let out a grunt, but found he couldn't move away, he was stuck in place.

                Nathaniel made no effort to hide his pleasure in watching Dean struggle. He removed his hand and gestured at the overturned chair. "Oh no, please. Have a seat Dean." The discarded chair slid back around and came up behind Dean. As it pressed into the back of his knees, he was complled to sit in it against his will, by an unseen force. "I'll wait." Nathaniel smiled fiendishly.

*** 

                Sam and Cas climbed into the Impala, parked in her usual spot in the garage. The slam of the doors rang out against the concrete walls. They didn't speak, neither was sure what else could be said about Dean. As Sam pulled out of the bunker garage, the mix tape cassette of Dean's favourites which Cas had put on during their last case, began playing. Much to Sam's dismay, Cas had naturally taken to Dean's taste in music and Sam could do nothing to convince him otherwise.

                The 2 hour drive south to Great Bend, Kansas was pretty uneventful between the pair. Occasionally, Sam could hear Cas' mumbled singing along with the songs, which made him smile. Before they knew it, they were travelling down Main Street, on their way to the Great Bend Police Department. Sam hoped the case was as straight forward as it seemed; take out the ghost and head home.

                Together they flashed FBI badges to the Sheriff, Cas had finally gotten the hang of showing his in an upright position, which gained them access to the full records of the local man's death. Thirty minutes later they found themselves at the local hospital. There was no body to see, as the man had already been cremated, so alternatively, they looked over the autopsy report as well. The step by step process went like clockwork and next they were on their way to the address that was listed for the man's wife, about ten minutes away.

                Sam got out of the Impala at the woman's house and realised Cas wasn't with him. He leaned back on the car door, into the open window.

                "You comin' Cas?"

                Cas seemed distant, but looked over to Sam. "I think I'll wait here."

                "You sure?" Sam raised an eyebrow.

                Cas looked away again. "Yes."

                Sam Shrugged. "Alright." As he turned toward the woman's house to go question her, Cas pulled his phone out of his pocket.

                When Sam approached the car again shortly after, he saw Cas staring at something on his phone. Cas was watching the little dots of a reply in progress from Dean, but when Sam got to the door, he pressed the power button on the phone, blacking out the screen. He put the phone in his pocket again as Sam got into the car.

                "Everything okay Cas?" Sam placed his hands on the wheel, the key to the Impala dangling from his fist.

                "Yeah." Cas could tell Sam didn't believe him and would try to push him again. "I just... I didn't like leaving Dean like that."

                "It's Dean, he'll be fine." Sam moved the key to the ignition and started the car, her rumble echoing through the quiet neighbourhood. "Don't worry, he never stays mad at you."

                "You're probably right." Cas conceded, but in the back of his mind, he wondered why he hadn't felt the reply from Dean vibrate his phone yet.

                "We'll be back in no time Cas. We just need to head to his guys work and figure out whatever is tethering him there."

                "Okay." Cas looked up to Sam and gave him a faux smile.

                Smiling back, Sam pulled off from the curb and headed to their next destination.

                Cas was relieved at how easy it was for them to find the object tethering the man's spirit to Earth. With Sam manning a shotgun full of rock salt, he had no trouble destroying it in record time. He was anxious to get back to Dean, since it had been over an hour and he still hadn't replied to his messages. As he got back into the Impala with a satisfied looking Sam, he knew it was just a matter of hours before he'd be reunited with Dean and could reconcile.

                Sam and Cas' voices travelled down the stairs and into the bunker ahead of them. As they entered, they celebrated what ended up being what Dean would call a "milk run". The door slammed as they reached the landing and quickly, the pair felt the eerie mood in the bunker drape over them. They went quiet as they crossed the war room together, toward the common room library. The sight ahead of them stopped them both dead in their tracks.

                Nathaniel rose from a chair. "Welcome home." He sneered.

                The air was still and the room silent as Sam and Cas stood in the doorway of the war room, bewildered. Dean sat in the same chair where they left him, with his new companion now standing in the space between them. The laptop and books were scattered on the floor. Deans face was bloodied and bruised and he was slightly slumped over. From the odd way he was seated, it was obvious he was unable to move of his own accord. Cas was momentarily stupefied, believing that somehow this was his fault for insisting Dean stay back alone.

                In contrast, Sam's voice broke the silence as he burst into the room. "Dean?!"

                Dean moved his eyes to give Sam a warning look. "I'm fine Sam." Dean's eyes narrowed as he glanced at Nathaniel. "We were just having a _chat_ while we waited for you to get back."

                Nathaniel laughed menacingly.

                Cas stepped forward anyway. "I'm here now Nathaniel, we can take this elsewhere." His voice was flat and cold.

                "It's always about _you_ , isn't Castiel?" Nathaniel sneered as he turned to face the former Angel.

                "Isn't that what you want?" Castiel rebutted, the blue of his eyes seemed to be almost glowing with hatred.

                Feeling the release of Nathaniel's power over him, Dean stood and quickly scanned the room for any kind of weapon. Meanwhile, Sam had pulled a pocket knife and sliced his hand open.

                "Want you?" Nathaniel's voice was venom. "Oh no Castiel. I want nothing to do with you. You're a traitor to your kind. To your very being!"

                Cas was visibly hurt, but ignored the remarks. Instead he cautioned Dean against the course of action he was watching unfold behind Nathaniel.  It proved to be a mistake, as Nathaniel then turned his attention onto Dean once again. His maniacal laughter filled the room as, with a flick of his finger, Dean went flying over a table and crashed into the nearest wall.

                Cas' voice rang out. "Dean!"

                With renewed anger, Sam's fingers worked quickly against the nearest bookshelf, drawing out the patterns etched in his memory.

                "Oh, poor, fragile little Dean..." Nathaniel mocked as he turned back to Castiel. The joy of his game obvious.

                Dean groaned, but got up, his still bruised ribs now throbbing. He stood unsteadily, his hand putting pressure on his right side, holding his ribs.

                Cas' voice was like a low growl. "Just leave Dean out of this. You've got me... let's go."

                "You just don't get it, do you?" Nathaniel seemed annoyed now. "Don't you see the whole point Castiel?!" He turned partly back toward Dean, throwing a hand up in his direction again.

                Dean rose up off the floor, pressed to the wall he'd been thrown against. He rose higher and higher until his head almost touched the ceiling of the bunker.

                Cas looked on, helpless without his Angelic abilities. "Stop this!" He cried, his voice breaking.     

                Finally finished, Sam called out a distraction. "Hey Nathaniel!" Sam watched as Dean slid back down the wall, little by little to a safer height, as Nathaniel turned to see what Sam was doing.  "Later, asshole!" Sam yelled, as he slammed his palm against the sigil on the bookshelf.

                Dean's voice was strangled by the pressure of Nathaniel's grasp as he tried to call out. "Sam, no!", but it was too late and bright white light enveloped their vision,  the room and its contents disappearing for a few brief moments. When Dean looked up from his new spot on the floor, able to focus again, Nathaniel and Cas had vanished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> In the current timeline, this Chapter would take place around February 18th, 2018.
> 
> Now that their affections are out, Cas has become much more vocal and obvious that he cares for Dean. Dean however, is still quite stoic, a personality trait I feel he wouldn't lose quickly or easily.
> 
> Nathaniel... we knew this would happen eventually. It's all downhill from here...
> 
> I wanted Sam and Cas' case to be an open an shut, but I wasn't sure how to present it, thus the worlds fastest questioning of a woman ever. Haha. Kinda ended up being a play-by-play of a standard case really.
> 
> Again Cas is being much more open about Dean, until he sees what's happened and then there's the same old self berating Cas.
> 
> In canon a powered up Angel's eyes glow blue. Hm.
> 
> Dean just got healed up, I feel terrible beating the crap out of him again.
> 
> I can't decide if Sam saying asshole seems out of character or not...
> 
> My take on Angel Banishing Sigils is that they work to remove any creature with Grace. Since Cas still has his Grace within his vessel, he would also be ejected or even banned from areas with sigils meant to ward Angels, regardless if his Grace is sealed off from him or not. Something Dean simply wasn't willing to admit to himself, since it would mean Cas wasn't truly human (unless his Grace is removed).


	26. I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO JOINING YOU, FINALLY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confrontation begins...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to apologise in advance... but please, don't fear the ending.

 

                Dean made a horrible guttural sound. 

                Sam was stunned for a moment, but recovered quickly. "Dean... where's Cas?"

                Dean glared at Sam, his head unclear. "You banished him!"

                Sam's eyes were wide. "What?"

                "His Grace! He still had his Grace!" Dean had stood up now and was making his way across the room.

                "His..." Sam stared at the floor a moment. "Why didn't either of you tell me!?" Sam glared at Dean's back, not willing to be completely at fault.

                Dean ignored him and made his way to the hall; hunched, limping and holding his side.

                "Dean." Sam stood and went after him. "Dean!"

                Dean entered the armoury and grabbed his .45 and an Angel blade.

                Sam's tone was full of accusation. "Dean..."

                "I'm going to find him Sammy." Dean pushed past and left the room.

                "He could be anywhere!" After a moment, Sam followed.

                Dean couldn't move quickly and Sam caught up within strides. "Where are you gonna go?"

                Dean continued to storm off toward the garage.

                "Dean!"

                He stopped and turned toward Sam a moment. "I don't know! Out!"

                Dean threw the door open and entered the garage, Sam nipping at his heels. He crossed the concrete floor with a renewed sense of purpose and made no hesitation getting in to the Impala, even though he had to be in immense pain. Sam followed suit, getting into the passenger side. 

                Dean stared at the steering column. "Get out Sam." 

                "No." 

                "Sam..." It was a threat.

                "No Dean. You're not going alone."

                Dean decided he didn't have time for this and with a roar, the Impala came to life. The sun was setting as they pulled out of the bunker garage and onto the driveway. Dean sped to the main road and picked a direction at random. He didn't know where he'd find Castiel, or if he would, be he'd be damned if he didn't try. Without access to his Grace, it was impossible for Cas to return to the bunker quickly, even if Chuck had repaired his wings. In the dim lighting of dusk, the Impala's headlights were already visible, flashing against the fields along the deserted two-lane road. So when the lights shone against a figure in the middle of the street, it was hard for Dean to miss it.

                Nathaniel stood in the centre of the road. Instead of slowing, Dean pressed the gas pedal to the floor and drove right for him. He heard Sam say something unintelligible and saw him grip the dash and door of the car in the corner of his eye. Dean sped forward as fast as possible, his heart full of determination to exterminate this Archangel.           

                In the blink of an eye, Nathaniel raised his hand and the Impala flew end over end down the road, leaving Nathaniel unscathed. The sound of metal bending and scraping echoed through the night. She finally landed on the passenger's side and slid off the road into the ditch.  Dean's vision blurred as he saw the fiery red hair of Nathaniel approaching his door. It was the last thing he saw before he blacked out.

***

                When Sam came to, Deans' music was still playing softly on the radio in the Impala. It took him a moment to realise that he was upside down, still strapped in the car. Something was dripping from the floor onto the ceiling. _Tap tap, tap tap._ He grabbed his aching head for a moment and his hands came back wet. As his sight came into focus, he saw there was blood on his palms. Outside the demolished car, it was pitch black. The sun had set and the car's headlights had shut off, or smashed. He came to realise, he had no idea how long he'd been there.

                "Sam!?" 

                Sam tried to pinpoint the source of the voice, but couldn't quite figure it out, his whole world was inverted.

                "Sam!" Cas appeared, kneeling down in the long grass next to Sam's broken window.  He was distraught. "Sam, are you okay? Where's Dean?"

                _Dean?_ Sam's senses were being slow to return. He looked at the driver's seat. The driver's door was open and Dean was missing.

                "Dean!" Sam didn't recognise his own voice.

                "Sam. Just a minute, I'll help you out."

                It was Castiel again. _Cas._ _Where did he come from? How did he find me?_ There was no time for these questions. For a moment, Cas struggled with the door, but he was unable to open it. Instead, he used an Angel blade to release Sam from the car and helped guide him through the small opening of the smashed window.

                Sam's clothes were stained with blood, but he had surprisingly minor injuries given the severity of the accident. He was able to stand up. "Where are we Cas? How long was I out?"

                "I don't know exactly." Cas' voice was gruff. "Nathaniel was with me when we were banished, but he didn't stick around. I followed the road... until I found you."

                Sam bent down again and rummaged around in the wreck that was the Impala for the weapons he'd grabbed in the armoury before they left.

                "It's been hours Sam."

                When Sam pulled back out of the car window, Cas was standing at the side of the road, looking out into the distance, seemingly at nothing in particular.

                "We'll find him Cas." Sam holstered his weapons as he waited for a response, but none came. "After all, you found me..." His heart ached from the argument he'd had with Dean before. 

                "He wants us to find him." Cas said, pointing to the horizon.

                "Huh." Sam looked where Cas was pointing. There was light glow along the edge of the skyline, as if a giant moon was just peering over. "What the hell is that?"

                "It's Nathaniel." Cas' voice said he knew something Sam didn't. "He wants me to come to him." Cas crossed the street and they abandoned the car.

                Kansas was a sea of farmland, so it was no surprise when, after a short walk, they ended up in a cornfield. Deep in the centre of the corn, the boys stopped. In every direction, cornstalks began rustling.  An Angel blade dropped down into Castiel's hand as Sam drew the knife he'd retrieved from the car.

                A gush of hot air came down on them from above and flattened corn stalks around them into a huge circle. From the edges, people began to emerge, their eyes bottomless black holes in their heads. There must have been half a dozen. Sam and Cas instantly knew, these were more Demon cronies working for Nathaniel. 

                "Cas! Get out of here!" When Castiel hesitated, Sam held up the dagger he'd pulled from the wreck. It had a curvy blade, etched with runes; the Demon Killing Knife. "Find Dean! Help him! I'll handle this." Sam gritted his teeth, plotting out his attacks in his head. 

                Cas gave a single solid nod and lunged for the Demon in his path. There was a short scuffle before he was able to plunge the Angel blade in and the Demon zapped out of existence.  He glanced back, as Sam also took down a Demon of his own, before obeying Sam's request to make his way to Dean. 

               Cas ran until he reached the other end of the cornfield. He bent over, hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath. The light of Nathaniel's presence was closer than ever. Ahead of him was a farmhouse and barn before the crest of a hill which would reveal the light source. Still slightly panting, Castiel made his way toward the house. 

                The windows were dark and it appeared no one was home. He gripped the Angel blade in his hand tightly, ready for another ambush. He approached the house slowly. There was a sudden rustle and a crash. He raised his Angel blade to the ready and a cat leapt from the darkness and ran into the field. Feeling foolish, he lowered the blade again.

                As he neared the house, he thought he saw something move in one of the windows. When he got close enough, he could see the glass had been smashed and the breeze was making the curtain sway.  He'd had enough of this. Resolute, he made his way past the house and toward the barn. It was the only thing standing between him and his adversary. He approached the barn without caution and just as he thought he was about to clear it, four of his brothers stepped into his path, Angel blades drawn. 

                A tall brunette man in a pristine suit stepped forward. "This foolishness ends here Castiel." 

                "Step aside brothers." Castiel brought up his Angel blade in defence. 

                "Forget this human and return to Heaven with us." A shorter, blonde man dressed casually stepped forward now.

                Castiel lost a little gusto. While these brothers agreed with Nathaniel, their method was not the same. "I don't want to hurt you."

                "You would do that for this human?" The tall brunette pointed his Angel blade at the hillside. "Stop this madness."

                Castiel gritted his teeth, contemplating what he may have to do to save Dean. "Move out of my way."

                "Castiel please." A third Angel stepped out of the shadow of the barn. "Can't you see you've lost your way? Come home with us. Come home and repent." 

                Castiel glared at the group in the dim light that was beginning to form. "I won't ask again." 

                Suddenly, the fourth Angel who'd remained silent, lunged for Castiel. One of the brothers cried out to stop him, but it was too late. Cas was ready, they clashed, Cas stopping the coming assault with his Angel blade. The angel stumbled past Castiel, but recovered quickly. He spun in place and lunged again, but Cas drove his blade from below, landing a blow into the abdomen of his brother. Grief coloured Castiel's face as light exploded from his brothers wound, then his eyes and mouth as he died.

                Castiel turned and faced the remaining three. "I don't want to do this, but I will defend myself. Let me through."

                Two of the Angels disappeared before him instantly, leaving the tall brunette as his only obstacle. Without additional words, this Angel too, lunged for Castiel. He spun around, dodging the attack by millimetres. On the Angels second attack, they clashed, falling to the ground together in a heap.

                They rolled across the field, Cas struggling to keep the Angel's blade from stabbing him. He received a slash on his arm in the turmoil. He was able to kick the Angel off him, but was not quick enough to move away and the Angel's blade sunk into his thigh. Castiel screamed in pain, but managed to hold onto his weapon.

                 With his Grace sealed from him, there was no flash of light from the wound. He merely bled like a human would. His brother seemed confused by this and, in the moment he was caught off guard, Castiel plunged his Angel blade into his chest. White light burst from his brother and he crumpled to the ground.

                Cas lay on the ground a few moments, recovering. As he stood, the dim light of dawn illuminated his brother's faces. He knew these Angels. Of course he knew them. He said a silent prayer and apology before he turned to face the hill which would lead him to Dean. 

*** 

                The sun was coming over the horizon as Cas approached Nathaniel. He had a bloodied and bruised Dean with him. He looked half dead already. Cas couldn't tell what was old injuries, what may have been from the car crash and what Nathaniel might have inflicted while he waited for Cas to arrive. Nathaniel held Dean like a ragdoll, an old used toy waiting to be discarded. 

                "I told you I would take everything from you. I just had to wait for the perfect moment." His hand on Dean's neck loosened a little and Dean fell forward slightly. "Oh how I waited Castiel. Then this boy gave me an invitation directly to your little hovel." The Angel blade in his other hand, waved circles in the direction of the bunker. "It was too good to be true! It was torture waiting to spring this on you, but the results are so delicious." Nathaniel licked his lips.

                Castiel felt hopeless. He lowered his Angel blade. "Just stop this..." Tears welled up in his eyes. 

                In response, Nathaniel sliced Dean's chest with his Angel blade again. Dean was so out of it, he made no response. Nathaniel slouched a little, his disappointment showing. "Looks like the fun is almost over Castiel."

                "Please. I'll do anything you want, just... please..." Tears left Castiel's eyes unabated now, as he begged. 

                "Look at you." Nathaniel used the Angel blade to point at Castiel. "Pathetic. Helpless. Human. It's disgusting." 

                Castiel's knees felt weak, he thought he would fall to the ground. "Nathaniel... please..." 

                Dawn broke the horizon and sun's glow hit them. Nathaniel lifted his head and, closing his eyes, breathed the light in. "Ah, sweet smell of sunshine." He looked down again at Castiel, not far from him, with a devil's smile. "Dawn, on the first day of your new life." 

                Castiel didn't understand. He looked up to Nathaniel, confused. Nathaniel lifted Dean up so he was fully standing. His body still hung limp and unresponsive, like a useless marionette. Castiel couldn't hold out any longer, he fell to his knees, desperate. Sunlight glinted and reflected into Castiel's eyes, as Nathaniel's Angel blade slowly protruded from Dean's chest. Nathaniel took his time, methodically twisting the blade. Dean emitted the smallest grunt. Castiel couldn't move. Then, there was no sound. The world stopped as Dean hung there in front of him, impaled through by the weapon, the light of the morning sun glinting off the blade like beacon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> It wouldn't be Supernatural if Dean wasn't irrational and arguing with Sam at some point... of course, Sam won't leave his brother to go it alone.
> 
> Minor S11 spoiler - After writing what Nathaniel does to Baby, I wondered, why didn't The Darkness do similar instead of just stopping her?
> 
> I hope it was clear that when Nathaniel took Dean, he flipped the car onto her roof, thus Sam is upside down.
> 
> Luckily, Nathaniel and Cas didn't go far. I always assumed if the Angels are banished, they will all go to the same random place. Where or how far that is, whether its Earth or Heaven, is never told in canon.
> 
> Clever Sammy and the Demon Killing Knife. Don't worry, we'll get back to what he's up to next chapter.
> 
> Lucifer proves there are Angels that go bad, but just as with humans, there are varying degrees of opinion. Though these Angels agree with Nathaniel, not all of them have his murderous intentions.
> 
> There he goes with his glowing blue eyes again...
> 
> I'm so sorry to get you this far, just to do this to you. Perhaps though, you saw it coming. Please stick with me, just remember this is Supernatural, there are many paths we can take from here...


	27. EVEN DEEPER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We pick up where we left off...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3

 

                Sam had managed to dispatch two of the six Demons and three remained, circling him. They were armed with various farming tools. Sam guessed that at least some were likely the family who lived on this farm somewhere, probably just trying to get a night's rest when the Demons entered their house and took over their bodies. He tried hard to justify to himself that he had to kill them. He knew he wouldn't be able to exorcise them under these circumstances.

                Certain there weren't other Demons waiting in the field, Sam backed himself up to the stalks of corn that were still standing, forcing the remaining Demons to stay in his line of sight. They swiped at him menacingly with their makeshift weapons, searching for an in to attack. He felt sure, after watching their two brethren go down on their own, that they would launch an attack together. 

                Being a large man, when they initiated their group effort, Sam did what was least expected. He lunged at the ground, going low and rolling out of the way.  To his surprise, two of the Demons actually ran into each other. He collected himself and made for the third, slashing the Demon's lower leg, ripping open the calf muscle. The demon fell to the ground, unable to stand, crying out in pain. Sam stabbed him in the chest before standing up and jumping back from the reach of the other two who had recovered. The Demon zapped out of existence with an electric crackle. 

                The other two looked at the scene in amazement, one would think they hadn't heard of Sam Winchester before now. While they were distracted, Sam went for them, slashing with his blade. He missed and received a wound to his back for his efforts. He let out a grunt, but turned back to the Demons. One was already coming for him, so, ignoring the fresh pain, Sam raised his blade again. He landed the blow into the Demons neck and with a spark, the Demon was gone.

                It was a game of one-to-one now. While this seemed advantageous, both parties knew the stakes were high. There were no distractions anymore, it was all or nothing. The Demon leapt at Sam with all his strength, sending them both crashing to the ground. The flattened corn stalks snapped and rustled as they tumbled across them. Sam used what was left of his energy to keep the Demon from slashing him with the sickle he'd chosen as a weapon.  Still, he could feel the sting of fresh cuts as the Demon landed blows. As he blocked with the Demon Killing Knife, he felt a powerful strike steal the knife away from his grasp and it slid across the felled corn stalks. 

                The Demon was close, laying in on Sam, ready for the final death blow. Sam prepared himself, then head butted the Demon hard.  While he was dazed, Sam separated him from his weapon and flung him off into the corn in direction, the weapon in the other. Then he scrambled along the ground to find the Demon Killing knife among the corn. Just as he spotted the blade shining among the stalks, he felt the Demon come down on him again, the weight pressing his legs to the ground. 

                The Demon was without a weapon now and so, was attempting to strangle Sam from behind. Sam leaned up on one elbow and jabbed the other backward into the Demon, knocking him to the side. It gave him just enough release to free his legs. He kicked the Demon and used the force as a push off to move closer to where the Demon Killing knife lay. As the Demon recovered and lunged for Sam, now on his back in the fallen corn, Sam gripped the knife and plunged it into the Demon's abdomen as he made his assault. There was a crackle of electricity and a flash of reddish light from the Demons eyes as he died. 

                Sam pushed the body off of him and rose from the crushed corn field, battered and bruised. He was bleeding from multiple cuts, unsure which were new and which were reopened from the car accident earlier. Without further obstacles, his mind was one tracked to find his brother. Unable to move too quickly, he made his way through the cornfield in the direction Cas had left, at the best pace he could manage.

                When he reached the edge of the field, light had pierced the horizon. He could see a deserted looking house and barn ahead of him. The glow he and Cas had been following to locate Nathaniel was gone. He was overcome with anxiety as he realised he was not sure which way to go from here. 

***

                Nathaniel released Dean's neck and his body slouched down on the blade. As Cas watched, Nathaniel ripped the blade from Dean's chest through his back and let his ruined body tumble to the ground.

                "Everything leading to this moment, was worth it for that look on your face Castiel." Dean's blood dripped from the tip of the Angel blade, staining the grass. "Enjoy your humanity."

                Castiel was stuck in shock, his brain had gone onto autopilot. His very core of his being became white hot with rage. As Nathaniel relished in his victory, Castiel's hand moved itself to grab the Angel blade it seemed he'd dropped eons ago. Nathaniel had lost himself in a fit of delirious laughter at Castiel's expense.  In a swift smooth motion, unknown to his conscious self, Castiel lifted the Angel blade as he came back up to his knees. Before he understood what he was doing, he'd launched the blade into the space between him and Nathaniel.  

                With inhuman precision it found it's mark, lodging itself into the space just below Nathaniel's ribcage, piercing his diaphragm. His laughter immediately cut off. A look of horror crossed Nathaniel's face as he looked down at the protrusion. He barely had time to comprehend what had happened before a burst of light tore from his chest. He was unable to scream properly and, as his own Angel blade fell from his hand, the bright light burst from his eyes and mouth. Without further panoply, Nathaniel's vessel fell to the ground in a heap, his essence extinguished.

                Castiel began uncontrollably crying as he came to realise what had just transpired. He shed no tears for this brother and felt no remorse, but looked at Dean, laid out on the grass before him. Sharking violently and blinded by the relentless tears, Castiel crawled along the ground to Dean's side. He lifted Dean into his lap, cradling him. As if by some miracle, Dean was still gasping for breath. Castiel could hear the rattle in his chest, a sign of the irreparable damage Nathaniel had done.

                "Cas?" Dean's voice was a breathless whisper.

                "I'm here Dean." Cas ran his hand through Dean's hair.

                Dean wanted to say more, but was overcome with difficulty and the sound escaped him as a wheeze. He stared up at Castiel with his one good eye, the other having bruised over so horribly, he was unable to open it. 

                Dean managed to gasp a single word. "Sa- Sammy?"

                "He's okay Dean. He's coming." Cas stroked Dean's cheek with his thumb, under his good eye. "He'll be here soon. Try not to talk."

                They spoke to each other without words. Cas staring into the meadow green of Dean's good eye. He wasn't sure if it was the morning sunlight that was making it take on a golden hue. The colour had become that of a field in summer, dry and desperate for rain. Dean felt he was crying, but his body could not produce the fluid required. As he looked up to Castiel, he saw tears in his eyes refract the light, causing the piercing blue to glow once again. Dean felt it was an ocean he could become lost in forever. He was beginning to have trouble remembering where he was and what was real.

                Castiel's face began to blur. "Cas..."

                "Shh." 

                "I-" Dean's chest heaved. "I love you." 

                "I know. I've always known." Tears dripped off Cas' chin. "I love you Dean."

                Dean seemed to be smiling. "Tell Sammy-" Dean made a dreadful rasping sound as his words cut out. "I lo-" He ran out of air, his lungs refusing to fill again.

                "Dean?" Cas could feel the stillness settle over Dean's body. "Dean?!" He resisted the urge to shake him. "Dean!!"

                Without warning, Castiel screamed at the morning sky. 

***

                Sam made his way past the house, glancing inside to find it empty. The barn was locked and he heard no sounds from within. Just as he turned away to face the hill in front of him, a scream pierced the stillness. Sam used the horrific sound to hone in on their location. As he came over the ridge, he saw Cas bring his lips to Dean's as he gently kissed him.              

                Sam was stunned by the scene. In the golden light of sunrise, Cas sat in the grass holding his brother, while Nathaniel's empty vessel lay nearby, useless. He fell to his hands and knees in the grass, his heart instantly shredded to pieces. Part of him wanted to rush to Dean, another part understood what interrupting Cas could mean. Silent tears streamed down his face as he watched Cas fall apart as he clung to Dean. 

                A white glow slowly began to emanate from Cas and Dean. Knowingly, Sam closed his eyes and covered his face with his arm. The explosion of bright white light that followed created a shockwave across the field. It slammed into Sam, knocking him back and he tumbled down the hill back toward the barn below.

                Once recovered, Sam made his way back up the grassy hillside. As he peered over the crest he could see Dean still laying in the field. Nathaniel's discarded vessel lay forgotten and Cas had disappeared. A flurry of black feathers was falling slowly to the ground all around Dean. In contrast to the events that had passed, something about the scene was incredibly peaceful. Sam rubbed his tears on his sleeve as he made his way over.

                "Dean..." Sam knelt beside him, sobbing. "Oh God, Dean." Tears ran unabated down Sam's face.

                Sam spent a few moments absorbing what had happened. He stared at his brother's almost unrecognisable face. He silently prayed, begging the Angels to come fix this... to put it right, but no one came. Dawn slowly faded into morning as the minutes ticked by. Sam could do nothing, but hold his brother and weep amidst the sea of black feathers.

                Finally, Sam decided he had to take Dean home. There was always a way out of this situation. They always found a way and he would again. He didn't care how far or how long he had to carry Dean, he would get him home. As he picked up his brother's lifeless body as he stood, the feathers stirred around them. In the resulting cascade, Sam noticed a few were white.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> I feel it's important that we go back and check on what Sam is doing. He's actually my favourite character in Supernatural. This far in and I'm still not sure I covered him as much as I would have liked.
> 
> This fight scene was much harder to write than the vampire ones. Maybe because it's just an open corn field? I hope the intended actions come across properly and make sense to the reader.
> 
> I don't know what to say. Cas is pissed. If only killing Nathaniel had been so easy earlier...
> 
> I envisioned the death scene between Cas and Dean very early on. As much as I put poor Dean through, it's a miracle he was alive for it... but he *is* Dean Winchester.
> 
> It was hard to write what Sam would do in this situation. In one respect, Dean is his whole life, in another, he's respectful enough to share that with Cas... I wanted to make sure to portray how important Dean is to him, but not without undermining the level of respect Sam has for others.
> 
> It wouldn't be Supernatural if Sam didn't try anything and everything to get Dean back.


	28. THE END

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story continues where we left off...
> 
> (This is not the end of the story, however misleading the chapter title.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3

 

                Sam walked the road carrying his brother for hours, numb to the pain of his wounds. Blood had soaked through his clothes from both Dean's wounds and his. Despite the distance, he moved effortlessly, the weight of his brother feather-light. Part of him felt dead to the world and useless, but another was determined to find a solution. He would carry his brother for eternity if required.

                As he passed the wreckage of the Impala, a surge of pain and emotions hit him. He relived the whole ordeal over again. In the sudden bombardment, he stumbled and almost lost his balance. He clutched his brother's lifeless body as he regained his footing.  He was holding the most important thing in the world, he wouldn't fall. In the morning light, he could now clearly see the extent of the damage to the Impala.

                The car was all but destroyed. The front end was completely smashed with both headlights missing. The grill looked beyond repair. The back bumper was gone, lost somewhere further down the road. The passenger's side had deep gouges into the metal, all traces of the shiny black paint worn away. The mirror had been ripped off and the door was bent in such a way it was no wonder Cas couldn't open it. When she'd been flipped onto her roof, it was obvious the force had caved it in. Sam sympathised with the car... she felt like a physical manifestation of his soul at that moment.

                Sam passed the car slowly, one foot in front of the other. He glanced back at her one last time before continuing to the bunker. He'd have to figure out how to come back for her, Dean wouldn't want her left out here like this. As he looked back he saw that miraculously the driver's side, Dean's side, seemed to be unscathed. The mirror was intact on the open door. The paint didn't have even a single scratch, the metal not a single ding. Sam narrowed his eyes for a moment, suspicious, then turned away and continued making his way home.

                In the bunker, Sam took his brother down the metal stairs and then down the hall to his room. He lay Dean on his bed in room eleven, still in the tattered and stained rags that were what remained of his clothes. Then, he collapsed on the floor beside Dean in exhaustion, huffing for breath.  For a few minutes, Sam sat there in the silence of the bunker, recovering.

                "Dean..." he leaned on the bed toward his brother. "I'm gonna fix this. I'm gonna find a way." He put a hand on his brothers arm. "I'll find Castiel. We can work together and we'll fix this." Tears began to drip silently down Sam's face again. "Dean..." Sam had worked his body beyond its capacity. He suddenly felt dizzy and without even knowing it, he slipped off the bed and fell to the floor, unconscious.

***

                When Castiel opened his eyes, it was obvious to him that he was in Heaven. He recognised the juxtaposition of this humble, yet somehow elaborate room. It was a room designed by Zadkiel. One in which, he spent most his time in Heaven. Castiel was sitting on a stylish, but comfortable couch. A good distance from him, he could see Zadkiel sitting behind a large, but modestly designed desk.

                Zadkiel seemed to pay him no mind for being in the room. As Castiel re-attuned to Heaven, he noticed the warm tingle of his Grace flowing through him once again. He became aware that even though he could feel it's essence, he was unable to tap into it. He could sense that the glorious wings which Chuck had previously restored for him, were now gone again. Castiel looked helplessly into his hands.

                After a moment, he abruptly he looked up to Zadkiel, still focused on his work at the desk. "Zadkiel, what has happened?!"

                Zadkiel silently looked up from his task.

                Castiel rose from the couch in haste and approached the him. "I must return to Earth! To Dean!"

                "Sit down." Zadkiel commanded calmly.

                Castiel did not comply. "What has been done to me?!" He leaned on the desk angrily.

                Zadkiel sat his pen down gently. "You have been stripped to your core element within your vessel Castiel."

                "But I have not-"

                Zadkiel continued despite the protest. "It is time for you to decide."

                Behind Castiel, one of the glossy doors clicked open and he instantly turned to face the newcomer. It seemed to take an eternity for the opening to expand fully, until finally he could see who had gained entry to the room. Dean stepped through the doorway, looking slightly confused. His composure changed as he recognised Castiel.

                "Cas?" Leaving the door ajar, Dean marched across the room. "What the hell!?"

               Castiel almost smiled, but he realised what this meant, all over again. "Dean..." Suddenly, he turned back to Zadkiel. "Where is Father? I must speak to him!"

                "I have done as He commanded." Zadkiel somehow appeared to sit up straighter in his chair. "He restored your base essence, but said you must do this on your own Castiel."

                As Castiel opened his mouth to protest again, white light enveloped him and the room disappeared, along with Zadkiel. When he recollected himself, he found he was in a grassy field near a large rock which was surrounded by flowers. _My favourite..._

               "Cas..?"

                Castiel turned to face Dean who was standing nearby. In the distance, a colourful kite fluttered through the sky in the eternal breeze.

                "Is Sammy-"

                Cas swiftly made his way to Dean. "No, he's okay Dean."

                Dean relaxed. "So, dead again huh?" He looked himself over. His wounds were gone and his clothes were clean, as though nothing had happened.

                "Dean, I'm-"

                Dean raised a hand, cutting him off. "Nah, don't worry about it Cas, this isn't your fault." Dean smiled. "Pretty common occurrence actually. At least this is one of the good ones. Who knows, Sammy is probably looking for a way out for me, right now."

                Castiel couldn't help himself anymore and pulled Dean to him in a tight embrace.

                Dean laughed as he held him in return. "Alright, alright." He backed out of Cas' grip. "So what now? Don't I get my own little special room or something?"

                The knowledge of the choices Castiel could make had been shown to him when they entered the field. He was frightened to tell them to Dean. "If-if that's what you want Dean."

                "I get a choice in the matter?" Dean looked incredulous. "Doesn't sound like the feathered dicks I know." He narrowed his eyes.

                Castiel hesitated to explain. "Well, we're under a set of special circumstances."

                "Oh? And what circumstances are those?" Dean crossed his arms impatiently.

                "We have a few..." Cas looked away from Dean. "I, have a few choices... but they all have setbacks."

                "So they all have a catch, naturally." Dean looked up and gestured at nothing in particular. "Now _that_ sounds like the feathered dicks I remember."

                "Actually it was Father who-"

                Dean's gaze shot back to Castiel. "Chuck is making you pick between crap and bigger crap?"

                "It's not crap Dean." Cas looked down. "Well, I mean, one choice is to go back to how things were... before any of this happened."

                Dean adjusted his weight on his feet. "Sounds like crap."

                "There is what I would consider a worse choice Dean." Cas looked drained.       

                "Look at me." Dean put his hands on Cas' shoulders and forced him to look at him. "I love you Cas. You're a Winchester, no matter what happens."

                "Dean..." Castiel appeared to blush. "I love-"

                Dean pulled him in close and interrupted his words with a fervent kiss.

                They separated again after a few moments. "I want to be with you Dean," the blue of Cas' eyes became glossy. "but no matter what I choose, there is a chance I could lose this."

                Dean's emerald eyes glared at him sternly. "You'll never lose this." Dean placed a hand gently on Cas' cheek. "Not now, never again."

                Cas closed his eyes and leaned into Dean's hand as if he would never feel him again. "Alright." When he opened them, Cas' cobalt eyes lit up. "I know what I must to do."

                "Okay, hit me." Dean released Cas and appeared to brace himself for the decision.

                "It'll be better if you don't remember this."

                Before Dean could say anything, everything went white.

***

                Castiel's shoes clicked against the stone flooring of the bunker as he made his way across the war room. The material of his navy trousers lightly swished as he continued down the hall. He had on a crisp white dress shirt, buttoned impeccably under his matching suit jacket. Once again he wore a tie. Brand new and bright blue to match his eyes when they are at their finest. His trench coat flapped in the gentle, swirling, breeze created by his brisk pace.

                He slowed as he approached the door to room eleven, all his little sounds ceasing to exist. The door was ajar and Castiel peered inside expectantly. He saw Dean's broken and bruised body on the bed first. Then, on the floor at the side of the bed, Sam was sprawled out and appeared to be sleeping. His chest rose and fell slowly, but steadily. Castiel walked over to him and leaning down, touched two fingers to his forehead.

                Sam groaned as he woke up and put a hand to his brow. He felt as though he had just been dizzy only seconds before and the room was coming to halt from spinning. He slowly recalled the events of the past day. As his senses came around, he could feel someone standing nearby and turned.

                "Cas?" He sat up from the floor, surprised.

                The same familiar gruff voice answered him. "Hello Sam."

                Sam brought his eyebrows together. "How did you get back?"

                "It was simple..." Castiel stood straight and proud. Behind him, the shadow of his wings started forming against the wall in the dim light of the bedside lamp. Suddenly, the shape took on form. Sam's mouth dropped open as brilliant, pristine, white wings materialised behind Cas. Even in the dim light, the white shone like a snowfield on a sunny day. The feathers seemed to glimmer and the blue of Castiel's eyes glowed gently. As soon as Sam could begin to comprehend what he was seeing, the haunting image disappeared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> This chapter is a bit shorter than I had intended, but I can't say much more than this, without giving away details I am not yet ready to disclose.
> 
> I didn't want to just rush past the fact that the Impala was left behind. She is to me, a character in the story of Supernatural, in the way KITT was in Knight Rider. How it came to be that she ended up as a metaphor for Sam's current state, I don't know... but I like it.
> 
> Originally, there were going to be a lot of characters and discussion in Heaven when Castiel returned, but instead I stripped it down to just Zadkiel, following his orders. We're still not sure any Angels know of Gabriel's whereabouts and Chuck is still keeping mostly out of the picture.
> 
> That whole discussion and debate ended up becoming a more meaningful scene between Cas and Dean instead, rather than some kind of intervention on Cas, which I think works much better.
> 
> The only hint I'll give you as to what's happening at the end of this chapter, is that to understand you'd have to guess at my own headcanon. xD


	29. THE BEGINNING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our story closes.

 

                Without another word, Castiel made his way to the other side of Dean's bed and sat on the edge. He looked at Dean a moment, taking in all the damage done by Nathaniel all over again. The bruises and areas of swelling. Dean was pale now and his eyes had been closed by his brother at some point. Cas ran his fingers gently through Dean's hair, possibly in an attempt to tidy it. Then, he took his hand and held it over Dean's chest.

                First, a soft white glow emanated from the space between his palm and Dean. As it grew in size, the colour became yellow, then appeared golden. The light spread out across Dean, illuminating his circulatory system under his skin.  It's radiance warmed the whole room and bathed it in gold light. As the brilliance subsided, residual light appeared to pump through Dean's veins like gold blood and the glow dissipated from Cas' hand.

                Cas removed his hand and suddenly, Dean's chest rose and fell sharply as his body unconsciously gasped for air. As Deans eyes opened, the dry meadow colour in his irises, which Cas remembered as he held him dying, faded away into the usual vibrant green. His face was flush with colour and handsome again, all traces of Nathaniel's onslaught gone. Cas smiled down at him as Dean's expression changed from shock, to confusion.

                "Cas?" Dean brought his eyebrows together.

                As Sam stood from the floor, he realised he felt great. The dizziness had only lasted a moment, he no longer had wounds from the car accident or the Demon fight and his fatigue from carrying Dean home had been alleviated.  He looked at himself in a astonishment for a brief second, then returned his attention to Dean. He looked from Dean to Cas sitting on the bed, amazed.  "Cas, how? How are you-"

                Castiel didn't move, but Dean looked over at the sound of his brother's voice. "Sammy?"

                "Dean!" Sam fell onto the bed and hugged Dean tightly. "You're back!" Sam continued to crush his brother with his hug. "I can't believe it!"

                Cas observed quietly as the brothers reunited in front of him.

                "Good to see you too Sammy." Dean tried to laugh, but couldn't get the air around the smothering hug.

                Sam finally released his brother, leaving his hands on his shoulders as he sat up and looked at him. "Cas put you right, but-" Sam looked curiously at Cas. "How is this possible?"

                Cas looked gently at Sam, but said nothing.

               "Maybe I'm fixed, but I'm starving..." Dean let out a grunt and sat up, causing Sam's hands to slip from his shoulders. "And I could really use a drink."

                "I got ya." Sam got up and hurried out of the room.

                Dean stared at the blankets on his lap for a bit. Cas remained still and silent as Dean tried to come to terms with what happened.

                "Cas... you-" Dean lifted a hand to touch Cas' cheek. "You're-" Cas' eyebrows came together as his expression saddened. "An Angel again?" Dean finished.

                "An Archangel Dean." Cas corrected gently.

                Deans voice filled with concern. "How'd it happen? What does this mean?"

                "I had to make a choice." Cas leaned into Dean's hand as he had in Heaven, only minutes before. "I chose you."

                Dean was speechless. As his hand began to slowly fall from Cas' cheek, Cas' hand joined it and held it in place instead. Time and time again Cas had saved him, chosen him. He didn't know why he deserved his own personal Angel.

                "Because I love you Dean." Cas smiled at him again.

                "Huh-" Dean felt like he was slowly realising something.

                "I love you." Cas repeated. 

                All at once, everything leading up to this point became clear again to Dean. The loss, their reunion, the arguments and their confession. Their love, the sex... then Nathaniel and their separation, the torture, the agony. Finally, death, dying. Dying in Cas' arms.

                "I died..." Dean whispered to himself.

                Cas waited patiently for Dean to absorb everything again. He knew he would never remember what happened in Heaven and how it came to be that they are here now. It was the moment of truth.

                Finally Dean looked at him again. "Does this mean you have to go back to Heaven again?" Dean seemed like a child asking for permission to stay with his friend.

                "I made the best choice I could Dean." Cas lowered his hand and it allowed Dean's hand to finally fall away from his cheek.

                Dean made a face, as this did not answer his question. "What does this mean for us Cas?" His voice was bit more gruff than he intended.

                "I need you Dean. Sam needs you. I had to save you." Cas' eyes pleaded with Dean to accept his answer, but Dean wouldn't have it vague.

                "Cas..."

                "The only way I could stay human, was to lose you. Had I returned human, you would have had to stay..." Cas couldn't use the word dead. "...in Heaven." Dean looked away from Cas at this news. "I could have returned to my previous Angelic state and either, reset everything, or picked up from here, but..." Dean looked at him expectantly. "I would have to report to the Garrison as always."

                "So..." Dean started.

                "So, I chose the only path I thought would allow us to be together again Dean."

                Dean's expression turned to one of hope. "So you don't have to return to Heaven?"

                Cas smiled lightly and gently shook his head. "No. Not unless I want to go."

                "Cas I-" a tear slipped down Dean's cheek. He put his arms around Cas' neck and kissed him passionately. Dean had been free, he'd truly been loved and in love. In this experience, he'd found himself, known himself better than he ever had. In the end it was worth it, worth all the hurt and the pain. He was here now, he'd be here always, with his Angel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Trivia! I thought it would be fun to share some of my thoughts from the process of writing this fic with you dear reader...
> 
> For my head cannon Angels have black wings and Archangels have white. I haven't subscribed to the other colours that have been given, such as the frequency which Gabriel is depicted with gold. He very well can be, it's not mentioned in this fic.
> 
> Typically, Cas' powers have shown white when he heals, I stole the idea of making them golden from the S12 finale, when he is taken over by the Nephelim and for some reason they changed. I used it as part of his change to Archangel.
> 
> I feel like the interaction between Sam and Dean after he is revived is a bit short, but I didn't know what else to say. Also, Dean wasn't fully aware of all the events yet, his brain and body we're still resetting after being brought back. We don't actually know how much time had passed for them with Sam unconscious on the floor, before Cas returned.
> 
> Perhaps due to his insecurities, Cas didn't want to tell Dean too much of how he came back and what had to be done for it to pass. He wanted to make sure Dean really did love him in return still and was afraid things would have changed. He would know the answer to this, being an Angel of any type again, he can once again read Dean's thoughts. However, Dean is super stubborn and we know he wouldn't put up with that.


	30. EPILOGUE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our story concludes in the months that followed.

 

                That day, shortly after Dean was revived, he and Cas joined Sam in the kitchen. No one ever fully explained to Sam, just what happened to bring Cas back as an Archangel, but he accepted having his brothers back as a win. Later that afternoon, Sam called around to check in with other hunters after the ordeal. When he phoned Garth and Bess, Castiel said he would be leaving for a short while.  They came to find, he went to check on them in person and speak to Hadraniel about returning to Heaven to attempt to reacquire her Grace.  It turned out she was so happy with the family, she wanted to stay. This simple fact gave Castiel comfort, for he was not the only Angel to love humanity.

                Life slowly returned to normal. Cas had retrieved the Impala for Dean, transporting her to the bunker garage. The damage was so extensive, the repairs were taking months. Since Dean was still working on fixing her, they used other vehicles from the bunker when they went on cases. They fell back into the traditional monster of the week routine and found Angels were no longer hunting their friends. It seemed as though order had been restored to the Garrisons after an inquisition by Zadkiel. Many of Nathaniel's lackeys had been imprisoned and the Demons of course, simply moved on.

                Cas returned to joining the boys on hunts as a fellow hunter and lived a human lifestyle in the bunker.  He'd been learning to cook and while he missed the taste of food, he cooked for Sam and Dean out of the sheer joy of it. Occasionally, Dean would even let him watch while he worked on the car, in an effort to learn how to repair the Impala. Other times, he would sit with Sam and they'd research new cases together. He was quickly learning how to use the internet and it appeared he might even out Google Sam someday. By watching Sam interview on cases, he was perfecting his techniques for interactions with humans while undercover. He was learning more and more about human society every day, but still retained the quirkiness that made him Cas. 

                He used his Angelic abilities only as necessary, in an attempt to recapture the human life he'd adored for so many months. No one came from Heaven to retrieve him. As an Archangel without a Garrison, he was freed of Heavenly duties. It seemed as though Chuck may have found a loophole for him. Sometimes, late at night as Dean slept, he found himself wondering if this was Chuck's plan all along. Cas wasn't unhappy as an Archangel, in fact, he was glad to have the abilities to once again protect Dean and his brother when required. To be able to heal and comfort them when needed gave him a sense of peace.

                Light flickered from the TV, as Cas watched more Netflix while Dean slept. He couldn't remember the last time Dean slept in his own room. He enjoyed the feeling of Dean's body pressed up against his, Dean's arm draped over his bare chest, and every subtle little movement of Dean's deep breaths of restful sleep. Cas would watch over him all night, after all, time had been meaningless to him as an Angel. Though, down in the bunker, it was impossible to tell when morning was coming, so Cas had purchased a clock. When it came close to dawn, he would eagerly await the moment when Dean would wake again. 

                Castiel was finally home. From the moment he met Dean, he knew he would be forever changed. He fought with all he had to find his place in the world. Here he was, finally happy and with his family, surrounded by love. Though he would have to watch as Dean's human life passed by, he knew he would always be there to comfort him, protect him and love him, till the very end. When Dean's soul would finally pass to Heaven someday, to stay, he knew that there too, he would watch over him always. He leaned down to the sleeping figure pressed against him and gently kissed his forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for reading! This is the first short novel I've written that I have shared publicly. If you enjoyed the story, please feel free to leave kudos or even a comment about what you enjoyed. Constructive critique is also welcome, so that should I write another short novel, I might improve in the future. I appreciate your interest in my story and I'm glad I was able to entertain you. Take care of yourselves readers! <3


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